Good for a Laugh [Archive] - Page 2 - The Border: An Eagles Message Board

Perfect Little Sister

10-24-2007, 06:29 PM

HOW MEN AND WOMEN SHOWER DIFFERENTLY . . .

How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.

Molly

10-24-2007, 07:33 PM

LOL, Lissa! OMG!! Someone has set up a video camera in my bathroom!

Glennsallnighter

10-24-2007, 08:50 PM

:lol: :rofl: :hilarious: God PLS I'm :weep: :weep: :weep: ing that was so funny!

EasyFeeling

10-25-2007, 08:04 AM

It's hilarious. :lol: :rofl:

Mrs Frey

10-25-2007, 08:23 AM

:lol: I enjoyed that very much, PLS! It helped to brighten my otherwise awful day!

DonFan

10-25-2007, 03:14 PM

In case you're a little foggy on your Biblical history, let some junior church students help you with this complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays.
------------------------------------

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, "As a matter of fact, I was.") During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus, he just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the Book of Revolution.

Glennsallnighter

10-25-2007, 04:04 PM

You know, DF, some of that is probably a more accurate version than that which is written in 'stone' :D

Brooke

10-25-2007, 04:34 PM

That is hilarious DF! Thanks for the laugh! :D

sodascouts

11-01-2007, 02:37 PM

As a cat owner, when I saw this, I got a huge laugh out of it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmwqpHsMExg

Brooke

11-01-2007, 03:43 PM

:rofl: I love it Soda! Thanks!

Molly

11-03-2007, 11:12 AM

HOW TO HANDLE A HUSBAND ....
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Monteg Bay, Jamaica.
People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of
their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in
America ," explained the man.
We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took a trip, down to
the bottom of the canyon,
by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and
she almost fell off.
My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my
wife quietly said, "That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third
time. My wife quietly removed
a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot
the poor animal like that.
Are you crazy?"
She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."
"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."

sodascouts

11-03-2007, 12:03 PM

Smart guy. ;)

DonFan

11-03-2007, 12:54 PM

Soda, I loved the cat one! That reminds me so much of our cat Muffin--without the baseball bat of course!

Perfect Little Sister

11-05-2007, 01:12 PM

:laugh: :lol: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
I LOVE it Molly!!!

Glennsallnighter

11-05-2007, 05:39 PM

Excellent Molly! :hilarious: :rofl: :lol:
My parents will be celebrating their Golden in February! I must draw their attention to that!

DonFan

11-12-2007, 06:11 PM

Walmart is more than the exclusive distributor of the new Eagles CD. Read on:

Wal-Mart announced that, sometime in 2008, it will begin offering customers a new discount item ---- Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 - $5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. "But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar

2. Grape Expectations

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either White Meat (Possum) or Red Meat (Squirrel).

Brooke

11-14-2007, 04:09 PM

:rofl: Good one, DF!

sodascouts

11-15-2007, 01:47 PM

lol DF!

Glennsallnighter

11-16-2007, 05:07 PM

Yes, very good DF! :lol:

Billy

11-20-2007, 05:38 PM

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was

flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to

the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My

problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken

to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to

keep them on the road all day. Could you possible take them to the zoo

for me? I'll give you $100 for you trouble."

"I'd be happy to, "said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were

ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped

into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of

San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking

down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the

amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the

blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you

$100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over--so

now we're going to Sea World."

glenneaglesfan

11-20-2007, 06:03 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Lol, Billy!

Df, cool wine labels!

Glennsallnighter

11-20-2007, 06:08 PM

:lol: :rofl: :hilarious: Very Good Billy! I wonder did she take them to McDonalds after Sea World?

Molly

11-20-2007, 06:19 PM

OK, Billy, you asked for it!

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."

And they say blondes are dumb...

sodascouts

11-20-2007, 06:57 PM

LOL Billy and Molly! These jokes are always a nice pick-me-up. It helps that I'm a brunette female and therefore unaffected by both. ;)

DonFan

11-20-2007, 09:22 PM

Love 'em, Billy & Molly! :rofl:

Billy

11-21-2007, 09:59 AM

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of
ten million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first
place.

It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he
might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10
million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he
embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money
is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and
says,

"Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you

if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in
Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger."

Billy

11-23-2007, 11:10 AM

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door........

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain,
is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in The morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys
helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here.... on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

sodascouts

11-23-2007, 01:44 PM

hahaha! Well, at least that kind of push takes less effort. ;)

Billy

11-29-2007, 01:40 PM

blonde joke
Body: blonde joke
Body: A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

DonFan

11-29-2007, 04:02 PM

This Year's First Christmas Joke and it's a groaner, for which I apologize. :wink:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

Glennsallnighter

11-29-2007, 05:20 PM

:lol:

glenneaglesfan

12-01-2007, 05:37 AM

Lol, df!!

Love the jokes, everyone!

sodascouts

12-01-2007, 09:49 AM

A friend sent me this:

The Washington Post's Annual Neologism Contest
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v) Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v) To take coffee intravenously when running late.

7. Hipatitis (n) Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n) A degenerate disease.

9. Karmageddon (n) its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v) All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning.

15. Caterpallor (n) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

DonFan

12-01-2007, 10:52 AM

:rofl:
Those were priceless! Thanks, Soda!

Brooke

12-01-2007, 12:20 PM

:lol: Too funny Soda!

Glennsallnighter

12-01-2007, 06:43 PM

They are brilliant, Soda, and a ring truth in most of them I think! :hilarious:

tbs fanatic

12-02-2007, 01:49 PM

Those are really great. :rofl: :rofl:

Billy

12-06-2007, 04:28 PM

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her.
Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her.
Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her.
Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her.
Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love
letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.

sodascouts

12-06-2007, 07:31 PM

Thanks for letting me in on the secret. ;)

Glennsallnighter

12-06-2007, 07:49 PM

Thanks Billy! Now I know where I've been going wrong. Considering my better half doesn't like either chicken wings or footy on the telly......... :wink:

Billy

12-16-2007, 12:34 AM

Retirement in Alaska

Tom had been in the liquor business

for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress he quits

his job and buys 50 acres of land

in Alaska as far from humanity as

possible.

He sees the postman once a week

and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total

isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and a huge, bearded

man is standing there.

''Name's Lars, your neighbor from

forty miles up the road.

Having a Christmas party Friday night.

Thought you might like to come.

About 5:00."

Great", says Tom, "After six months out

here I'm ready to meet some local folks.

Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops.

"Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."

Not a problem," says Tom.

"After 25 years in the business,

I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave

and stops. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right.

I'll be there. Thanks again."

More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

Now that's really not a problem," says

Tom, warming to the idea.

I've been all alone for six months!

I'll definitely be there.

By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter.

Just gonna be the two of us.
_________________

DonFan

12-18-2007, 08:23 PM

LOL, Billy!

Here's another blond joke:

A blond goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blond says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

Glennsallnighter

12-18-2007, 08:30 PM

Billy!

DF!

Excellent Jokes!

I've lost my emoticons so I cant fully express my appreciation!

sodascouts

12-18-2007, 10:32 PM

Haha! Sometimes it IS nice to be a brunette. ;)

DonFan

12-31-2007, 04:25 PM

DARWIN AWARDS 2007

Once again, it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwins are awarded every year to the persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool.
This year’s nominees are:

Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI. was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck". Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft".

Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gun-powder ignited.

Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred, said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's
pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men
proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After Traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.

(Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The line from “Long Road Out of Eden” that says:
“All the knowledge in the world is of no use to fools” applies perfectly to the above examples. :lol:

Brooke

12-31-2007, 04:52 PM

:shock: Those are hilarious, DF! Thanks!

Freypower

01-01-2008, 12:16 AM

I love the Darwin awards! Thank you DF!

Glennsallnighter

01-02-2008, 05:17 AM

They were brilliant DF! We've all done a few crazy things in our time but....... :lol: :rofl: :hilarious:

DonFan

01-09-2008, 05:13 PM

Bought an iPod, cell phone or a computer lately? Then you can relate:

http://www.viralvideochart.com/youtube/mad_tv__ipod_nano_feist_1234_commercial?id=2i32NkW 0s94

sodascouts

01-09-2008, 05:58 PM

lol! I got SO SICK of the iPod commercial that is a spoof of which uses the Feist song. Way to go, Feist - make your rock song obnoxious to the extreme!

glenneaglesfan

01-10-2008, 06:29 PM

I loved those Darwin awards.

This is something I found in a joke book.

Six stages of marriage:

Tri-weekly
Try weekly
Try weakly
Try oysters
Try anything
Try to remember

(So true...)

Glennsallnighter

01-10-2008, 06:40 PM

lol GEF :lol:

Molly

01-13-2008, 04:49 PM

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you are walking to hospital all by yourself."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until your father gets home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

Ive always been a dreamer

01-13-2008, 06:02 PM

Aw yes - good ole mom. I particularly like #12, 13, & 14. :D

Glennsallnighter

01-13-2008, 06:16 PM

They are indeed hilarious! :lol: :rofl: :hilarious:

I particularly liked #4, #7, #14, #22!!

Billy

01-22-2008, 05:44 PM

MY NEW PARROT

Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word
out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think
of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him
in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said
'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'

I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change
in his behavior, the bird continued,

'May I ask what the turkey did?'

Glennsallnighter

01-22-2008, 06:10 PM

Oh Billy! They just get better and better. Are you going to any of the London gigs?

Perfect Little Sister

01-22-2008, 07:26 PM

Molly- #25 is beautiful indeed.

Billy- that's a riot! I cracked up laughing at that one.

Ive always been a dreamer

01-23-2008, 11:04 AM

That's a good one, Billy!

Billy

01-23-2008, 01:14 PM

Oh Billy! They just get better and better. Are you going to any of the London gigs?

Don't think so..... :cry:
Unless my wife get's one of the many hints about the concerts being around about our anniversary.

working on it :wink:

Billy

01-23-2008, 06:04 PM

Irish airlines
Ryanair pilot flying into Heathrow,the plane is in trouble! So he calls the tower, says "help,Easter Sunday, Pancake Tuesday,Boxing day"!

Voice comes back "Paddy the word you're looking for is Mayday"!!

Glennsallnighter

01-23-2008, 06:43 PM

Thanks Billy! I really appreciate that! (Is there a 'sarcastic' emoticon?)
Its as well I've booked Aer Lingus to go to the London gig!

Also an Irish pilot wouldn't say 'Boxing day'. We call it 'St Stephen's day' over here!

Good joke tho' :lol:

Billy

01-24-2008, 01:02 PM

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7 . When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Glennsallnighter

01-24-2008, 01:26 PM

Billy, I'm :lol: :weep: :weep: :weep: ing! Very Funny! But oh so true!

Billy

01-24-2008, 06:13 PM

Big People Words
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the
first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on
NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding
them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana.
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big
People' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alec thought
real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
Winnie the SH*T."

Glennsallnighter

01-25-2008, 06:05 AM

Great one Billy! I've heard it before but still laugh! I could share a few other 'big people words' but as its a family board, better not!

sodascouts

01-25-2008, 12:46 PM

You're on a roll, Billy! ;)

Glennsallnighter

01-25-2008, 05:18 PM

Its 11:30 pm January 1st 2007.

An elderly couple are on the main street of Dublin city centre. As usual they have been waiting a while for the bus.

Paddy : 'God! Its very cold tonight love, isnt it?'
Mary : 'Oh yes Paddy, coldest night of the year so far I think'

Billy

01-25-2008, 10:54 PM

Good one..

Just like the rich American guy who was driving a big,swanky car in Mid Ireland on business,trying to find the road to Dublin.He suddenly see's an old farmer tending his cattle in the field.He rolls down his window and calls the old farmer to him...He says "excuse me Paddy,but does this road go to Dublin?".
The farmer, more than a little annoyed at the tone of the guy,replies
"No sir,it stays there all the time".

Glennsallnighter

01-26-2008, 04:16 AM

Too True Billy :lol: Too true!

Congrats on becoming a 'Desperado' ! :D

Billy

01-26-2008, 06:30 PM

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a new born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor .. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Glennsallnighter

01-26-2008, 06:38 PM

:lol: :lol: :rofl: :hilarious: :hilarious:

However a cautionary word Billy. I may be a lot of things in my life and I intend to live long and die smiling. However I will never be an old man.

YOU however WILL :wink:

Billy

01-29-2008, 05:49 PM

A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant.

"Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic," he says. "I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks, "So, Seamus, how was your day?"

Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol."

"Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Seamus.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door op ens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing, and lies down on the table. She shouts, "Help me, I beg you! It's been five years since I've seen a man!"

"Thunderin' Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes

Glennsallnighter

01-29-2008, 06:13 PM

Now BILLY :nope: :nope: :nope:

But :applause: :applause: :applause:

Must find a few Scottish Jokes for pay back time :wink:

Perfect Little Sister

01-31-2008, 03:17 AM

Someone sent me this one today. I just couldn't resist sharing.:D

God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to
call It Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while
southern Europe is going to be poor.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is
a Continent of black people.

Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and
Covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area
and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There are
beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and
plains.

The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest,
intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they
will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of peace,
and producers of software!"

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But, what
about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots
I put there!"

Glennsallnighter

01-31-2008, 07:57 AM

:applause: :applause: :applause: :applause:

A bit like what he put into Leinster House! Our Parliament! :roll:

Billy

01-31-2008, 07:29 PM

Hey,
I'm Scottish, we now have two tiers of national government..in Scotland and In UK.....I can relate X 2.

glenneaglesfan

02-01-2008, 11:49 AM

Just catching up here! PLS, I love it!

Billy, congratulations on becoming a Border Desperado, and those jokes had me laughing out loud!

GA, good one!

Ive always been a dreamer

02-01-2008, 01:26 PM

Thanks Billy and PLS - those were a hoot as usual.

Glennsallnighter

02-03-2008, 06:05 AM

This was not a joke! It actuallh happened.

Yesterday evening Hubby offered to clean the kitchen after tea and promptly went up to 'clear out his emails' :roll: . Meantime the 8pm news came on followed by Saturday Night Love. As the first song here was POMPOY I cranked up the volume, started singing and began to clean the kitchen. Hubby returned and immediately went to turn DOWN the radio :nope: (Do we have an emoticon for 'Death Stare').
Then he suggested he continue and 'give me a break' :nope: .
He asked me if I wanted to have a shower or use the bathroom :nope:

And STILL he hasn't copped onto why I just wanted to listen to/ sing along to POMPOY even with that stupid grin on my face. (Even if I did have to clean the kitchen!)

Ive always been a dreamer

02-03-2008, 12:43 PM

MEN! :headscratch: :shrug:

Billy

02-04-2008, 02:36 PM

A woman awakes during the night to find

that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in

front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the

wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his

coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why

are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee,

"I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started

dating.

You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so

sensitive.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father

caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside

him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my

face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail

for 20 years?"

"I remember that, too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out

today."

Glennsallnighter

02-05-2008, 05:54 AM

OH! BBBBBBBBBIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY YYYYYYYYYY
:roll: :roll: :roll:

Glennsallnighter

02-09-2008, 06:01 PM

Please excuse this one, the kids brought it in a few days ago and my 3 year old son just keeps repeating it to everyone :roll:

Knock Knock!

Who's There?

Banana

Banana who?

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Orange

Orange who?

Orange you glad you I didn't say Banana

Billy

02-14-2008, 12:11 PM

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,
'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who ya got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'

Ive always been a dreamer

02-14-2008, 12:53 PM

Oh that's a cute one, Billy. I can't resist saying this but, it looks like the Pope has been yearning for life in the fast lane. :wink: :wink:

sodascouts

02-14-2008, 09:42 PM

lol! I like that one!

Molly

02-20-2008, 08:09 PM

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know but it sure made a hole in Juan."

Brooke

02-20-2008, 10:22 PM

:rofl: Molly!

Billy

02-20-2008, 10:25 PM

cool

Billy

03-06-2008, 08:48 PM

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Maleah

03-07-2008, 01:34 AM

Billy I just got that one about the cop and the pope in an email the other day.......except instead of the pope it was Billy Graham. lol

Glennsallnighter

03-14-2008, 06:54 PM

I was working with a superintendent in the Irish Police force the other day. During our conversation it turned out that he is an avid Eagles fan. But he told me this (true) story which I hope you'll find funny. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

A few years ago when this man was stationed in the west of Ireland he got chatting to a neighbouring lady. She told him that she had been called up to her 8 year old son's school to meet with the principal. Assuming that it meant her young lad was in trouble she was thinking up what suitable sanction she would have to impose. It was on the lines of depriving him of some priviledge such as phone credit, his play station, the TV or his game boy. Anyway she met the principal who assured her that 'Johnny' was doing fine but had been picked on by another student and he wanted to inform the mother.
'Oh Thank God' she replied 'I was afraid that if he was in trouble I'd have to confiscate his PLAYBOY for a while'. Only when the principal started laughing did she realise that she'd mixed up 'Playstation' and 'Gameboy'.

Billy

03-15-2008, 04:04 PM

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given
the money, he turns to a customer and asks,
'Did you see me rob this bank?' the man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the man,
'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'

Ive always been a dreamer

03-16-2008, 11:48 AM

Oh GA that is funny. I'll bet that mom was so embarrassed. And Billy - well - uh - that last one is just wrong! :wink:

Perfect Little Sister

03-18-2008, 02:00 PM

Well I guess there's just something wrong with me as I found Billy's post amusing.:wink: Maybe it's just that I've been married too long. lol
GA, I enjoyed you little funny as well. It sounds like something I would do, unfortunately. :blush:

Brooke

03-20-2008, 04:40 PM

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y63/desperado74/Extras/easter-2.jpg

:lol:

Maleah

03-20-2008, 11:23 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: That was great Brooke!

sodascouts

03-21-2008, 06:01 PM

LOL Brooke!

Ive always been a dreamer

03-22-2008, 01:36 PM

Oh my - Thanks for that one, Brooke - that is great. :D

Glennsallnighter

03-22-2008, 03:08 PM

Nice one Brooke! :hilarious:

sodascouts

03-24-2008, 11:54 PM

This is an old joke from the 2000 election hubbub, but I'd never seen it before, so I thought I would post it. GEF, Devon gets a mention!

==================================

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you will go metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

Glennsallnighter

03-25-2008, 03:29 AM

LOL Soda :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I particularly loved those relating to language! Perhaps the word 'laboratory' could be added to 'Aluminium' in part !? :wink:

DonFan

03-25-2008, 11:21 AM

Apple Annoucement:

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on cup size. This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Glennsallnighter

03-25-2008, 05:56 PM

Oh DF :fingerwag: :fingerwag: :fingerwag:

But :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

sodascouts

03-26-2008, 12:25 AM

LOL! Good one!

DonFan

04-03-2008, 03:05 PM

Philosophies of the Famous

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill

Brooke

04-03-2008, 04:14 PM

:rofl: Too funny, DF!

glenneaglesfan

04-03-2008, 04:48 PM

Oh, I've missed these last couple of pages.

DF, love the quotes, and the iTit made me LOL!! (So true)

Soda, that election manifesto is priceless!! I'm going to print that off for my folks - they can still appreciate a good joke.

Brooke, love the cartoon!

Billy

04-29-2008, 10:22 AM

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

tbs fanatic

04-29-2008, 10:52 AM

Billy - you have resurfaced :shock: Did you get to any Eagles concerts in London?

Very funny everyone - some real rib ticklers there :lol:

Billy

04-29-2008, 12:12 PM

hey Jill,
no i didn't get to go...I dropped enough hints to the wife,but she didn't take me up on it....I even got tickets to see her favourite,Bon Jovi in June(think I'll sell them on ebay) :-(
Looks like I'll need to wait for the DVD.

tbs fanatic

04-29-2008, 12:47 PM

Oh that's too bad :( Good to hear from you again.

Glennsallnighter

04-30-2008, 05:43 AM

sodascouts

04-30-2008, 02:30 PM

So sorry to hear you couldn't go Billy! Thanks for dropping by with a joke though! :)

DonFan

05-06-2008, 10:15 PM

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

------------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the ommand: 'I Thought You Loved Me.exe' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Freypower

05-07-2008, 12:01 AM

That is a classic. In our house Grumpy Silence 2.5 runs at a premium, while I am told so does Nagging 5.3 :twisted:

sodascouts

05-07-2008, 01:09 AM

LOL! That's great.

Brooke

05-07-2008, 09:40 AM

That is hilarious! Thanks, DF!

Mrs Frey

05-07-2008, 09:57 AM

Gosh, I've missed so much in this thread, but DF, that last one is just brilliant! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

DonFan

05-07-2008, 11:17 AM

FP, I get a lot of Grumpy Silence 2.5 at my house too, especially when I am getting ready to go to Eagles concerts, like I am now! :wink:

Glennsallnighter

05-07-2008, 05:46 PM

Brilliant DF! There are so many of those applications I can relate to! :evil: :evil: :evil:

Mrs Frey

05-08-2008, 02:50 AM

I'm sorry, but I just find all of this very amusing! :hilarious:

It's obvious I'm not yet married!

DF, I think your hubby needs to up the ante on programs Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 if he wants to compete with Don Henley! :wink: :lol: Grumpy Silence 2.5 just won't cut it!

DonFan

05-08-2008, 06:57 AM

DF, I think your hubby needs to up the ante on programs Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 if he wants to compete with Don Henley! :wink: :lol: Grumpy Silence 2.5 just won't cut it!

That would be nice, but unless he is able to successfully install an entirely new application--Singing/Songwriting 5.5--he doesn't stand a chance! :wink:

DonFan

05-09-2008, 12:10 PM

I seem to be on a roll with baaaaad married jokes lately:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Three women, one engaged, one married, and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three decided to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, You are the woman of my life. I love you. Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

:rofl:

Ive always been a dreamer

05-09-2008, 01:14 PM

Wow - I'm just catching up on this thread, too. The last ones are great. DF - I hear ya loud and clear. If my SO tried to install Singing/Songwriting 5.5, I'm sure we'd have a system failure, so I don't even let him attempt it. I just let him upgrade NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Then, he's happy and so am I because I can then leave it to my beloved Eagles to run the Singing/Songwriting application.

:D :D :D

Mrs Frey

05-12-2008, 02:01 AM

Mrs Frey

05-12-2008, 02:02 AM

Billy

06-25-2008, 10:59 AM

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned, 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

THAT LITTLE S...

sodascouts

06-25-2008, 01:10 PM

lol! I think I've had a few of those errors!

Glennsallnighter

06-25-2008, 04:26 PM

Me too! :D

Brooke

06-25-2008, 05:16 PM

I've definitely had some of those! :rofl:

Billy

06-25-2008, 05:23 PM

STRESS RELIEF
Close your eyes and picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here, no one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of
serenity. You are so peaceful in this place and have no worries.
The water is clear, so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.

There now......feeling better?

Billy

07-03-2008, 02:31 PM

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.

And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'

Glennsallnighter

07-03-2008, 05:41 PM

:lol: :rofl: :hilarious:

You know, Billy, that was one of those jokes where you could see the punch line by the second sentence :D :D :D :thumbsup:

Mrs Frey

07-04-2008, 02:38 AM

:lol: That's a good one, Billy!

DonFan

07-09-2008, 11:39 AM

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
A blonde is out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a while and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY:

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

Mrs Henley

07-09-2008, 11:42 AM

Whaha great ones DF! :lol:

TimothyBFan

07-09-2008, 12:32 PM

DF-those were great. Sad but true, I had to read the knitting one more than once to get it! :blush: And yes, I am blonde!

Ive always been a dreamer

07-09-2008, 01:08 PM

Those are great, DF. However, I know some people like this and they aren't even blondes. :D :D

Mrs Henley

07-09-2008, 01:21 PM

Those are great, DF. However, I know some people like this and they aren't even blondes. :D :D

Oh, I know even a lot of no blondes like this haha :P

DonFan

07-09-2008, 02:49 PM

You don't have to be blonde to be like that.

I have two daughters who are polar opposites. Bamagirl, my blonde, is very intelligent, a wonderful student. Christina, her sister, my brunette, hates to study, hates to even concentrate, and mainly likes to play all the time.
One day one of Christina's friends called her a coconut--brunette on the outside but blonde on the inside. :lol:

Brooke

07-09-2008, 04:14 PM

:rofl: Too funny on all accounts!

Mrs Henley

07-09-2008, 04:17 PM

:lol:

DonFan

07-25-2008, 12:21 AM

Corny joke of the day:

How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

The_Girl_Of_Summer

07-25-2008, 12:28 AM

haha :lol:

sodascouts

07-25-2008, 01:23 AM

Corny joke of the day:

How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

LOL!

glenneaglesfan

07-25-2008, 10:31 AM

ROFL, DF, those are great, and I love the 'coconut' comment!!

Glennsallnighter

07-28-2008, 05:30 AM

VERY GOOD!!

Billy

07-29-2008, 02:57 PM

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded
to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said 'Not until you have at least
seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure
onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a good appetite,
because they cut off my electricity this morning.
What part of 'broke' do you not understand?'

Glennsallnighter

07-29-2008, 03:46 PM

Oh Billy!!! :D :D :D

sodascouts

07-29-2008, 04:35 PM

LOL! I hate those pushy salespeople!

Glennsallnighter

07-29-2008, 05:46 PM

This happened yesterday...........

I was leaving my son into his old creche to do summer camp for a week to hear the principal on the phone. The fourth case of chicken pox in the creche this summer. But the poor mother on the phone had sent her hubby out to get 'breadsoda' to help the itch of the spots. He came home with 'Soda Bread Mix' instead :roll: :rofl:

TimothyBFan

07-30-2008, 09:43 AM

Here's a story for the Kids Say The Darndest things book--- One of the little girls I sit for told me yesterday that I look weird for a 45 year old! OK-I thought, I'll bite so I asked her why. She said because I don't have any wrinkles! God Bless her --in a round about way :D :D

Mrs Henley

07-30-2008, 01:32 PM

DonFan

07-30-2008, 03:00 PM

GA--can I ask two questions?
What is breadsoda?
And over here, a "creche" is a nativity scene at Christmas--what is it there?

Mrs Henley

07-30-2008, 03:06 PM

What is breadsoda?

Yes indeed..what is it? :)

Mrs Henley

07-30-2008, 03:07 PM

And over here, a "creche" is a nativity scene at Christmas--what is it there?

Maybe she means crèche

Glennsallnighter

07-30-2008, 05:17 PM

GA--can I ask two questions?
What is breadsoda?
And over here, a "creche" is a nativity scene at Christmas--what is it there?

Bread soda is Bicarbonate of Soda, which is used in baking. It releases carbon dioxide bubbles which help bread and cake dough to rise. It can also be used with citric acid to make the 'fizz' in sodas. As it is alkaline it sooths skin irritations caused by anything acidic such as nettle/bee stings and apparently chicken pox spots when the skin is bathed in a solution of it. Also used to clean things.

A creche is the term used here for a nursery or pre school. I havent worked out how to accent the e!! :lol:

Mrs Henley

07-30-2008, 05:22 PM

Ah Ok! Thanks for the info GA! :lol:

DonFan

07-30-2008, 10:45 PM

Thanks for the explanation. Over here we call it baking soda.

Glennsallnighter

07-31-2008, 07:32 AM

Aah, I see! :D

DonFan

07-31-2008, 04:03 PM

For the teachers about to go back to school out there:

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DAVID: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DAVID: Yesterday you said its H to O.
______________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
______________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
______________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
______________________________

Ive always been a dreamer

07-31-2008, 04:07 PM

Very cute ones, DF. :D

Brooke

07-31-2008, 04:44 PM

:hilarious: Love 'em, DF!

Glennsallnighter

07-31-2008, 04:50 PM

As a teacher DF I can concur with any and all of these!!

This one actually happened to me. I was giving the 17 year old biology class a test about 10 years ago. On a subject dear to all of our hearts one of the questions was

'Where does implantation occur'

To which one young 'gentleman' replied

'Anywhere between the back row of the cinema and the back seat of the car'

glenneaglesfan

08-01-2008, 11:48 AM

:rofl:
GA, I hope you gave him a star!!

Love those classroom jokes, DF!

Glennsallnighter

08-02-2008, 03:40 AM

He certainly deserved some commendation GEF!!

I have a few more such answers somewhere!!

Ive always been a dreamer

08-02-2008, 11:17 AM

Yep - that's a good one, GA. Some students are SO smart! :wink:

Mrs Henley

08-02-2008, 11:41 AM

Good one GA! :)

Glennsallnighter

08-03-2008, 03:03 AM

Thanks girls! They sure do think quickly :D

DonFan

08-28-2008, 07:18 PM

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

2. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

4. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

5. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

6. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

7. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A

8. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

9. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

10. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

11. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

12. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

13. A will is a dead giveaway.

14. A backward poet writes inverse.

15. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

16. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

17. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

18. A calendar's days are numbered.

19. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

20. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

21. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

22. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

23. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

ticky

08-28-2008, 08:29 PM

hehehehe

Brooke

08-29-2008, 09:07 AM

Very good DF! :hilarious:

Prettymaid

08-29-2008, 02:16 PM

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

glenneaglesfan

08-29-2008, 03:06 PM

DF, those are priceless!!

PM, lol! Reminds me of

A horse walks into a bar.
The barman says "Why the long face?"

Mrs Henley

08-29-2008, 03:54 PM

DF, very good :D!
Hahaha GEF, great one!

ticky

09-03-2008, 07:27 PM

Ok, So Wild-woman sent me this URL and I love this video. VERY funny and very cute. Check it out!

Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Blog!
http://www.drhorrible.com/

Neil Patrick Harris and Joss Whedon Production

DonFan

09-08-2008, 11:40 PM

(I apologize in advance, but I just couldn't resist) :laugh:

Confucius Say:

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

glenneaglesfan

09-09-2008, 06:25 AM

ROFL, DF!!! Those are brilliant!

Glennsallnighter

09-10-2008, 04:48 AM

Oh DF, they are priceless!! :hilarious::hilarious::hilarious:

sodascouts

09-10-2008, 11:56 AM

LOL! Those are funny! I have another one of those my dad used to tell when Mom wasn't within earshot:

Confucius say: Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.

(If you don't get it, just imagine an alternate spelling for "peas".... lol)

Brooke

09-10-2008, 02:49 PM

Those are all funny! :hilarious:

Glennsallnighter

09-11-2008, 04:16 AM

I've heard that one too GEF!! Very funny! :hilarious:

Prettymaid

09-11-2008, 05:24 PM

I used to wear contact lenses but one of them got stuck behind my eye and went up into my brain. I can't see anymore but I can think so clearly...

ticky

09-11-2008, 06:45 PM

LOL ^5 PM

sodascouts

09-11-2008, 07:28 PM

LOL PM!!

ticky

09-19-2008, 11:28 PM

Have Ya'll read this? I thought it was VERY funny!
The REAL meaning of Hotel California (http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1053/in-the-song-hotel-california-what-does-colitas-mean)
I dont know if its true or not, but its funny!

glenneaglesfan

09-20-2008, 04:16 AM

Very funny, ticky!! "Warm smell of colitis" ROFL!

TimothyBFan

09-20-2008, 08:54 PM

Seen that before. :hilarious: Cute.

DonFan

10-01-2008, 02:34 PM

Baptist Shampoo

While shopping in a grocery store, two Baptist church ladies happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second good Baptist sister answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first sister replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look, so the good Baptist sister said, 'This is for washing our hair.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer and said, "The curlers are on me."

Brooke

10-01-2008, 02:36 PM

Good one, DF! :rofl:

sodascouts

10-01-2008, 06:35 PM

LOL! That reminds me of a story my Mom tells. She is a life-long Baptist and does not drink. Back in the seventies, she decided to buy beer for her hair. All was well and good until one day, she had the pastor over for dinner... and he saw the beers in the 'fridge! She was so embarrassed; she worried that her hasty "That's for my hair" was not believed. ;) Needless to say, she tried different strategies for making that hair shine afterward!

ticky

10-06-2008, 10:10 PM

I had a hard time as to where to put this but the Vice Presidential debate forum just didnt seem right *G*
http://www.tickypages.com/JoeWalsh/flowchart.jpg

Sorry McCain Palin fans *G*

TimothyBFan

10-07-2008, 07:25 AM

Love it Ticky!!!!!!

Ive always been a dreamer

10-07-2008, 12:07 PM

That is hilarious and, unfortunately, I think it is for real. I'm guessing that was exactly the formula they used in their week-long debate training school for her. :worried:

Mrs Henley

10-07-2008, 02:40 PM

Great one Ticky!

tbs fanatic

10-08-2008, 04:26 PM

That is funny :hilarious:

tbs fanatic

10-08-2008, 04:32 PM

Glennsallnighter

10-08-2008, 04:41 PM

Thats brilliant Ticky!! Even in a country where there is scant coverage of your election, I am inclined to think it is apt!!

Glennsallnighter

10-09-2008, 05:34 PM

Hubby was having one of his periodic 'Eagle-bashing' phases. Tonight he held up 'Rolling Stone' and said to Laura 'Never do Drugs, Look what they do to you. They look so washed out'. He then proceeded to ask their ages to which I responded 61, nearly 61, 60 and almost 60! lol! His comment was 'Ageing' and another term which I won't post here as it may offend some.

I was so tempted to answer back 'If they are ageing and washed out, how come my T-shirt has one of THEIR names on it, rather than YOURS, and why isn't YOUR music in the background???' (SW was playing)

glenneaglesfan

10-10-2008, 12:33 PM

GA, my family have referred to them as a bunch of old has-beens, I think partly in jest just to rile me. GRRR.

Ticky, that flow chart made me laugh out loud! I haven't watched the debate, but our weekly news mag (The Week - a brilliant summary of the best of the press from around the world) has commented on 'the wink'!

ticky

10-10-2008, 12:39 PM

tbs fanatic

10-10-2008, 12:40 PM

DonFan

10-10-2008, 12:42 PM

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s**t.'

TimothyBFan

10-10-2008, 12:54 PM

Great one DF:hilarious: I will try to remember that one!

ticky

10-10-2008, 01:21 PM

Df hehehehe cute *G*

Brooke

10-10-2008, 01:34 PM

Oh my, DF! :laugh:

Glennsallnighter

10-10-2008, 06:02 PM

Brilliant DF!! :spin::spin::spin:

Ive always been a dreamer

10-10-2008, 08:03 PM

That is excellent, DF. :hilarious:

TimothyBFan

10-13-2008, 01:28 PM

Someone sent me this and I thought it was cute.

http://www.brandextract.com/catbowling/

ticky

10-13-2008, 01:38 PM

hehehehe that was fun!

Thanks :)

Brooke

10-13-2008, 02:59 PM

:weep: Those poor, poor kitties!

:-P

sodascouts

10-15-2008, 01:23 PM

Just got around to playing this. LOL! Most of my kitties survived. ;)

ticky

10-19-2008, 01:02 PM

Sarah Palin on SNL. The Sarah Palin Rap

Sarah Palin Rap (http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/update-palin-rap/773781/)

Prettymaid

10-19-2008, 01:22 PM

Hilarious! And as far as the opener, I can hardly tell the two apart!

ticky

10-19-2008, 02:20 PM

Me TOO!!! I saw Sarah Palin come on and thought "Is that Tina Fey?" Freaky!!

Prettymaid

10-22-2008, 07:34 AM

https://www.eaglesonlinecentral.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=15&pictureid=198

Hey everybody, check out my Trick or Treat album in my profile!
Happy Halloween!

TimothyBFan

10-22-2008, 09:26 AM

To funny PM!:thumbsup:

ticky

10-22-2008, 10:11 AM

PM, heheheehe too cute!!

DonFan

10-22-2008, 10:44 AM

Cute, PM!
Ticky, I love your "Joe Vote" pictures!

ticky

10-22-2008, 10:45 AM

Thanks! *G*

Brooke

10-22-2008, 10:54 AM

Those are great ticky!

ticky

10-26-2008, 11:41 PM

Now I know some people cant see these things and it can be really tricky, but I guarantee everyone can see this.. you just have to keep looking.. there IS a giraffe in this picture.. just keep looking.. close..

http://www.tickypages.com/picturebin/image020.gif

TimothyBFan

10-27-2008, 09:42 AM

:hilarious::hilarious:

Prettymaid

10-27-2008, 10:23 AM

I think that giraffe just gave me the stink eye!

eaglesvet

10-27-2008, 10:30 AM

Cute!

DonFan

10-27-2008, 05:41 PM

Here's a Halloween joke--an oldie but a goodie:

A cabbie picks up a nun.
> She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
> cab driver won't stop staring at her.
> She asks him why he is staring.
> He replies:
> 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
> She answers,
> 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
> and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
> hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
> say or ask that I would find offensive.'
> 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
> She responds,
> 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
> to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
> The cab driver is very excited and says,
> 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
> 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
> The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
> make a hooker blush.
> But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
> 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
> 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
> I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
> The nun says, 'That's OK.
> My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

Brooke

10-27-2008, 06:56 PM

:rofl: Oh my!

Ive always been a dreamer

10-27-2008, 10:26 PM

Very cute one, DF!!

TimothyBFan

10-28-2008, 07:54 AM

DF-I actually didn't see that coming--to cute!!:)

glenneaglesfan

10-29-2008, 04:53 AM

:hilarious:Priceless, DF!!

DonFan

11-01-2008, 08:53 AM

I accidentally rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were along the side of the road, and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Well, I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' :hilarious:

Prettymaid

11-01-2008, 03:40 PM

:rofl:DF!

TimothyBFan

11-01-2008, 03:41 PM

That's not nice DF---but I still laughed!:blush: :razz:

Ive always been a dreamer

11-01-2008, 07:50 PM

<hehe> That is BAD, DF.

Glennsallnighter

11-02-2008, 08:39 AM

Glennsallnighter

11-02-2008, 08:40 AM

TimothyBFan

11-11-2008, 03:36 PM

Here's a few that a friend of mine just sent and I thought I would share.

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I! should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'