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Z
12-18-2006, 02:10 PM
I adore a good joke so I thought I'd share:

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother John to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience "Well, I treatd her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions." The minister inquired as to where he had taken her.

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, John. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary."

Brother John replied "I'm going to go get her."

sodascouts
12-18-2006, 02:58 PM
lol! Good one!

glenneaglesfan
12-18-2006, 03:46 PM
:lol: Nice one, Z!

Ive always been a dreamer
12-19-2006, 01:27 PM
Very cute Z. :D

EasyFeeling
12-19-2006, 02:52 PM
Damned, I understand all of that except the last sentence. :shock: The most important of the joke! Sometimes I hate to be a German. :evil:

Maleah
12-19-2006, 07:02 PM
Damned, I understand all of that except the last sentence. :shock: The most important of the joke! Sometimes I hate to be a German. :evil:

He left her in China EF, he's going to go get her :wink:

Ive always been a dreamer
12-19-2006, 09:53 PM
EF - You do a great job communicating on this board. I can assure you that your English is better than some Americans. I wish I could speak German as fluently as you speak English. Any time you need help with the language, do not hesitate to ask. I admire you for coming here. I definately couldn't participate on a German speaking message board. :)

sodascouts
12-19-2006, 11:37 PM
Same here. I'm terrible with languages and I always am impressed by people who can communicate so well in a language besides their native one. Even people who haven't mastered the language but are brave enough to try impress me, as I would have such a hard time with it!

EasyFeeling
12-20-2006, 04:42 AM
Thank you all for your compliments. :D
Sometimes I have problems to use the right words in your common speech. In our company we use business english and that's a bit different. I've never written in a letter "holy crap" or "to drool" http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/froehlich/g020.gif
When I don't know a word I have to look in the dic and there are various translations so it could be that I choose a strange one.

Thanks Maleah for your explanation. :wink:

Witchy Mummy
12-20-2006, 11:23 AM
EF, I second what everyone else has said 8)

Great joke, Z. That one made me giggle. I have one for you. It's more of a story than a joke, but it made me gasp then laugh. Can you imagine this happening to you? :shock:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck I
was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of
disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't
start behaving herself right now, she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in
a voice just as threatening, 'if you don't let me go right now,
I'll tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last
night'. After this enlightening exchange, the silence was
deafening.Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I
mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my
daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door shut behind me were
screams of laughter.

I hope it's not too rude :)

Brooke
12-20-2006, 11:36 AM
:shock: OMG, that's hilarious, WM! And welcome back. We missed ya!

Yours was funny, too, Z! Nice to have a laugh anytime!

EF, I'll vote with the others here. You do a great job! I could never go to any other language message board at all. I do well to just speak my native English properly!

Ive always been a dreamer
12-20-2006, 11:41 AM
OMG WM - that is hilarious. So, how many shade of red are there? And I'm so glad you made your way here to The Border. We are having a great time already. Hope you do too.

Witchy Mummy
12-20-2006, 11:49 AM
Thanks gals! It's great to be here, there is lots to catch up on. I'm loving it 8)

sodascouts
12-20-2006, 11:52 AM
LOL WM!! And let me add my welcome too - glad to see you!

EasyFeeling
12-20-2006, 12:27 PM
http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/froehlich/g020.gif http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/froehlich/g020.gif http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/froehlich/g020.gif That's too funny. Welcome back, WM!

Can I add that none of you needs to speak another language as english since it's the world/universal language. :wink:
Believe me as I decided to join Eagleland I was a bit afraid I could not make it with the language. But now it's ok I think.

Witchy Mummy
12-20-2006, 04:16 PM
Thanks soda and EF 8)

glenneaglesfan
12-20-2006, 05:25 PM
WM, I have just had the pleasure of bursting out in laughter at your joke!!! Welcome back , and we have missed you.

Molly
12-20-2006, 05:45 PM
Ah yes, having raised a child who had no what concept of what it meant to whisper until he was about 15, we had a few red-faced moments in public ourselves.

Your story, WM definitely would have meant changing banks, or maybe even moving to a new town!

btw, welcome back WM!

DonFan
12-29-2006, 11:09 AM
I spent the morning trying to get caught up on some of the posts I have missed over the holidays. The jokes are hilarious--and I am about to run to the bank, too! I know I will be thinking of that joke as the bank teller makes my deposit!

Maleah
12-29-2006, 02:14 PM
Thank you all for your compliments. :D
Sometimes I have problems to use the right words in your common speech. In our company we use business english and that's a bit different. I've never written in a letter "holy crap" or "to drool" http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/froehlich/g020.gif
When I don't know a word I have to look in the dic and there are various translations so it could be that I choose a strange one.

Thanks Maleah for your explanation. :wink:

no problem my friend! :D And if you ever question something's meaning.......please feel free to ask!!!

Z
01-04-2007, 01:58 PM
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they are overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was over booked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too were over booked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

"The Pope said, "Where'd you get the horrible hairdo?"

EasyFeeling
01-04-2007, 02:21 PM
http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/froehlich/g020.gif http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/froehlich/g020.gif http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/froehlich/g020.gif

DonFan
01-04-2007, 02:31 PM
:D :D

Okay, be warned, this one is dirty, but I gave my hubby a book by Willie Nelson for Christmas and this was one of his favorite jokes:

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

A piece of ass so good that it makes your eyes water!

Toonlass
01-04-2007, 06:10 PM
Nice jokes all....I have a silly one for you:

Three Little Piggies went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. " I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the Piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggy. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy. "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?" The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

:D

glenneaglesfan
01-04-2007, 08:12 PM
:D :D

Thanks for a good laugh, everyone!

sodascouts
01-04-2007, 08:13 PM
LOL! This is a good thread to read after a hard drive home in the rain. Thanks for the laughs, guys!

Brooke
01-05-2007, 10:26 AM
Heehee! These are funny! Thanks!

sodascouts
01-12-2007, 01:44 AM
I got this one off of another forum I frequent:

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

- 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

- 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

- 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

- 5 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

- 6 to flame the spell checkers

- 8 to correct spelling/grammar flames

- 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

- another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

- 2 industry professionals to inform the board that the proper term is "lamp"

- 5 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

- 10 to post that this board is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb board

- 20 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forums about changing light bulbs be stopped

- 11 to defend the posting to this board saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this forum

- 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

- 2 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

- 1 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

- 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this board which makes light bulbs relevant to this board

- 33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

- 12 to post to the board that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

- 19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

- 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

- 4 to ask what is a "FAQ"

- 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

- 14 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

- 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

glenneaglesfan
01-12-2007, 04:44 AM
Lol, good one Nancy!! That's a bit like the workings of the National Health Service!

DonFan
01-12-2007, 11:20 AM
:D :D :D

Even funnier to me is the fact that, two years ago before I fell in love with the Eagles and Don and started frequenting message boards, I wouldn't have understood most of those references, and now I find them absolutely hilarious!

Ive always been a dreamer
01-12-2007, 12:11 PM
Oh - this is a good one. And now here we go ......

After doing a Google search and consulting the FAQ's, I totally agree with what you said DF. :D

DonFan
01-12-2007, 12:20 PM
Well, if the FAQ's substantiate it, and the forum moderators agree...

(This could go on forever! Somebody stop us! ) :twisted:

sodascouts
01-12-2007, 02:05 PM
I think we should take a poll. ;)

Brooke
01-12-2007, 02:20 PM
Me too! :wink:

EasyFeeling
01-12-2007, 05:25 PM
Me too. :D

Freypower
01-12-2007, 06:59 PM
I'm the moderator of this forum and I ask everyone to remember the guidelines. :twisted: :D :wink:

(that was 'gratuitous post by the moderator to remind the members that he/she is there'). 8)

sodascouts
01-12-2007, 07:46 PM
And as the administator I would like to repeat what everyone has said and say - me too! lol

Ive always been a dreamer
01-19-2007, 12:27 AM
And as moderator of the Eagles forum, I would like to say that the band concurs with the moderators. :D :D

And now for another laugh - I got this in an email today that was titled "He said, she said." I had never seen these before and while some of these are a bit naughty, ' I think most of them are REALLY funny. Enjoy!

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to
put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while
I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet
paper?
Sh e said . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring and good-looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

He said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is
every night?
She said . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and
go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

sodascouts
01-19-2007, 12:31 AM
Bwahahahaha!!!

EasyFeeling
01-19-2007, 04:01 AM
:laugh:

Brooke
01-19-2007, 10:42 AM
Too funny! :laugh:

glenneaglesfan
01-19-2007, 01:33 PM
:lol: :lol: Good one!!

Freypower
01-19-2007, 06:46 PM
All of us who are married will identify with that to some extent. :)

I had a couple of ideas on the 'light bulb' thing about 'how many Eagles and how many Eagles fans does it take to change a light bulb'.

Glenn doesn't change light bulbs. He delegates.
Don buys his light bulbs in bulk from Walmart but only changes then when he thinks it's environmentally safe to do so.
Joe got drunk while changing a light bulb once and hasn't done it since.
Tim does it obediently but when the others stand below in a circle watching him, he says to them 'it's not the circle of fear'.

Change light bulbs? Huh? The PAs & techs do that. Irving can't though, because he can't reach the fitting.

1 Eagles fan says that Glenn should change light bulbs more often & when he does he should wear black T shirts & jeans.
Another says that Don should only wear black while changing light bulbs.
Someone else says that Joe would see better if he wore glasses to change light bulbs.
Yet another says that Tim always changes the same two light bulbs. Why not let him change another one?
Every Eagles fan in the world says that they should start their light bulb changing project in (insert city of your choice).

Etc.

Billy
01-19-2007, 07:22 PM
I have to protest in the strongest possible way,about that sexist Joke.......Only kidding.
Here is something i like to share with you ladies....something to show mans more sensitive side.
SOMETIMES

When you cry,no one sees your tears.

when you are worried, no one sees your pain

when you are happy,no one sees your smile.

try farting,and my god,see the attention you get.

(farting...Flatulence(lower)).

sodascouts
01-19-2007, 08:27 PM
Very clever FP - and Billy - lol!

I want to add to FP's but I've got to give it some more thought first. ;)

Z
01-19-2007, 09:15 PM
Very good, FP! Very good!

EasyFeeling
01-20-2007, 08:01 AM
Yep, I like it too, FP. :)
And Billy, good one.

DonFan
01-20-2007, 10:49 AM
Love it, FP!

My contribution to the day's laugh meter (with apologies for #14):
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously:


1. A day without sunshine is like? Night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

4. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

5. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

6. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

7. Support bacteria? It may be the only culture some people have.

8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

9. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

10. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

12. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

14. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

15. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

16. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

17. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

18. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"

19. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

Z
01-20-2007, 11:35 AM
Good ones, DF, especially #18. Here's my politically incorrect contribution for today:

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and KC. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife." KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?" "Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Cooter's widow'." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.".... then I said.... "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

sodascouts
01-20-2007, 12:49 PM
lol, guys! This is fun thread.

Billy
01-22-2007, 11:32 AM
Living in 2007

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.


2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.


4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.


5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.


6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.


7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.


8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.


10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.


11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.


12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.


13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.


14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.


15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

sodascouts
01-22-2007, 12:04 PM
lol Billy!! Um, way too many of those applied to me. :blush:

Maleah
01-22-2007, 01:13 PM
LOL! Me too soda :D Unfortunately even the last three :blush: :D

EasyFeeling
01-22-2007, 04:14 PM
Unfortunately even the last three :blush: :D

Me too, Maleah. :wink: That's a good "joke", Billy.

Perfect Little Sister
01-23-2007, 01:19 PM
That was great Billy!!!!

When my son got married a few years ago we spent all morning calling one another with last minute details (like the car breaking down, hair dresser needed baby's breath, etc.) and I wondered how I maganged to get married without a cell phone. lol

Freypower
01-23-2007, 05:39 PM
Guess what - I don't have a cell phone and I have no intention of getting one until my daughter is a teenager and will probably want one.

Billy
01-24-2007, 01:51 PM
Men strike back!]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
To the select few women who can handle the truth!

Perfect Little Sister
01-24-2007, 03:30 PM
Is it sad that I actually laughed at many of those? :blush:

EasyFeeling
01-24-2007, 04:27 PM
Me too! :hmm: :laugh:

Ive always been a dreamer
01-24-2007, 04:30 PM
Yep, me too! That list is too cute, Billy - totally incorrect - but cute! :wink:

Billy
01-24-2007, 04:49 PM
Yep, me too! That list is too cute, Billy - totally incorrect - but cute! :wink:

But,it should be correct. :cry:

Freypower
01-24-2007, 05:20 PM
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.


There's something very familiar about this one. :wink:

The late great Irish comedian Dave Allen had a line about 'you've heard that behind every great man is a woman. Well, the men died and the women lived on.... and on... and on....'!

Billy
01-24-2007, 06:02 PM
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.


There's something very familiar about this one. :wink:

The late great Irish comedian Dave Allen had a line about 'you've heard that behind every great man is a woman. Well, the men died and the women lived on.... and on... and on....'!

Dave Allen,was such a funny guy. :D

glenneaglesfan
01-24-2007, 06:52 PM
Billy, thanks for a good laugh! I completely fell for the computer one when I scrolled up to check about no. 9, and creased up!

Dave Allen was ahead of his time, pithy, witty and Irish. I used to love watching him.

sodascouts
01-24-2007, 09:38 PM
I guess we ladies deserved that, Billy! And they made me laugh in spite of myself. ;)

sodascouts
01-24-2007, 09:43 PM
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.


There's something very familiar about this one. :wink:

lol! I noticed that, too. In his comedy routines, Glenn doesn't mind borrowing from the classics. For instance, I believe it was George Burns who came up with the joke "I'm so old that when I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick." At least he's not telling the oldest joke of all time - "Take my wife... PLEASE!"

Billy
01-25-2007, 01:01 PM
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through
the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet, he
grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He
suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering
her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even
more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested
that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.

This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage,
flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

Billy
01-27-2007, 09:38 AM
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.


Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.




Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Molly
01-27-2007, 11:36 AM
LOL! Billy, considering it's mostly females here, you really like to live dangerously, don't you? :wink:

Though I agree with the mother-in-law line! :pray: (I have an appointment with those rosary beads again)

Billy
01-27-2007, 12:12 PM
LOL! Billy, considering it's mostly females here, you really like to live dangerously, don't you? :wink:

Though I agree with the mother-in-law line! :pray: (I have an appointment with those rosary beads again)

say one for me,Molly :wink:

sodascouts
01-27-2007, 01:49 PM
lol, Billy, those ones certainly made me laugh!

Now it's time for 25 versions of revenge! ;)

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

DonFan
01-27-2007, 05:25 PM
LOL! :D :D :D

Brooke
01-30-2007, 03:14 PM
Those are both hilarious! :lol:

Here's one from me...

An elderly woman was caught shoplifting at the local grocery store. Her husband accompanied her to court.

Judge: "Mam, what did you steal?"
Woman: "A can of peaches."
Judge: "How many peaches were in the can?"
Woman: "Six."
Judge: "You realize you will have to spend some time in jail for this offense. You will have to spend 6 days in jail."

At this time, the woman's husband piped up and said, "Your honor, my wife stole something else, too."

Judge: "What?"
Husband: "A can of peas!"

Billy
01-30-2007, 08:40 PM
man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just
been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant... then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the
corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished
your round of golf didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself!

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!

For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. She'll need to bathed, diapered and fed and you'll be her care giver!
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "Just pulling your leg . She's dead.

What'd you shoot?"

Ive always been a dreamer
01-31-2007, 12:40 AM
Okay - these are all too funny - you all are on a roll. Billy, that last one is just cruel. :wink:

Witchy Mummy
01-31-2007, 09:54 AM
Loving these jokes!

Ways to Know If You Have "Estrogen Issues"

Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".

Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice!

Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".

You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Things Only Women Understand

Cats' facial expressions.

The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

Cutting your hair to make it grow.

Eyelash curlers.

The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

sodascouts
01-31-2007, 10:04 AM
lol, Brooke and Billy! WM - that durn dryer has shrunk all my jeans again, too! lol

glenneaglesfan
01-31-2007, 04:54 PM
:D Great jokes!!

Billy, I think it's time to get your own back again!

WM, in a household with three men I entirely agree about the trying to beat your best time thing! :roll:

Billy
02-01-2007, 08:51 PM
Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her I was pretending to be a light bulb so the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You're clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my blonde co-worker followed me, the Boss said to her, "And where do you think you're going?"

(You're going to love this.....)

J

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

[Now, THAT'S clever!!!]

sodascouts
02-01-2007, 09:37 PM
hehe. Good thing I'm a brunette!

Perfect Little Sister
02-02-2007, 11:44 AM
I don't get it. ;)

Ive always been a dreamer
02-02-2007, 02:19 PM
I don't get it. ;)

We know that, Blondie! :D :D :D

Now - since I'm a brunette, I totally get it, and it is very funny. Good one, Billy. And WM, since I am also old, I'm afraid I totally get the one you posted too. :wink:

EasyFeeling
02-02-2007, 04:05 PM
Billy, that's really funny! http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/froehlich/g020.gif http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/froehlich/g020.gif http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/froehlich/g020.gif

I just went back to read WM's joke. Good one. http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/froehlich/g020.gif

Z
02-04-2007, 12:53 PM
I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with the Bud Light Real Men of Genius ad campaign, but I found a site that has links to 64 of these commercials: http://thefuntimesguide.com/2004/10/bud_light_real.php

My favorites are #26 Mr. Tiny Thong Bikini Wearer http://thefuntimesguide.com/2005/08/flipflopsthongs.php
and #59. Mr. Ultimate Philadelphia Sports Fan
http://www.wmmr.com/upload/jaxon/budlight.mp3

I know, I have a sick sense of humor. What can I tell you? :P

sodascouts
02-04-2007, 01:53 PM
lol! Those are funny. I like the coffee one - "It's putting that tip jar out that takes REAL guts."

Molly
02-04-2007, 02:15 PM
OMG!! I've forgotten how funny those are. Living with 3 men, "Mr. Silent Killer Gas Passer" is one of my favorites. "Who did it? Who cares? For sweet mercy will someone please just light a match!"

I've forwarded that link to Peter so he and the other young scholars at his fine Jesuit university can enjoy it! Z, I'm sure the 3rd floor residents of O'Donnell Hall will be very happy!

Brooke
02-04-2007, 03:30 PM
All those Bud commercials are hilarious!

I wish they still had the frogs and lizards on! :laugh:

Billy
02-06-2007, 08:29 PM
A Blonde's Year in Review
>>
>>January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too
> tight.
>>
>>February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
>>labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!
>>
>>March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
>>months.....box said "2-4 years!"
>>
>>April - Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!!
>>
>>May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups
> of water
>>won't fit into those little packets!!!
>>
>>June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a
> slope.
>>
>>July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned
> later, the
>>other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
>>
>>August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped
> because
>>soft-top was open.
>>
>>September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
>>
>>October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
>>
>>November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1
> hour per
>>pound and I weigh 108!!
>>
>>December - Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no
> "eleven"
>>button
>>on
>>the stupid phone!!!

Brooke
02-06-2007, 10:46 PM
OMG, Billy! Too funny! :lol:

Billy
02-07-2007, 05:49 PM
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a
child and demand a ransom.

She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and
wrote a note.

"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money.
Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at
7AM."

Signed,

"The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go
straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown
bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot
believe that one blonde would do this to another."

Maleah
02-07-2007, 10:04 PM
LOL :laugh: very funny Billy! I love blonde jokes! Unfortunately the only one that I've heard over the years that I actually REMEMBER is this one........... lol


A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all jumped off of the roof of a 10 story building. Which one was the last one to hit the ground?

-
-
-
-
-

the blonde........she had to stop and ask directions. :roll:

Freypower
02-07-2007, 11:07 PM
:D

I just remembered the joke Glenn told when they were doing the Hole In The World photo shoot.

A man has been stranded on a desert island for years. When he is finally rescued the rescuers see that he has not one, but three tents. When questioned, he says:

'The first one I live in, the second one is my church and the third is the church I used to go to'.

glenneaglesfan
02-08-2007, 04:18 PM
That last one hits home, FP!

Love the blonde jokes!

A blonde got on to a flight to Houston. After a while she moved from her economy seat to a seat in first class. The steward came up to her and said "I'm very sorry, you'll have to move as this is a first class seat and you only have an economy ticket."

The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The steward went up to the chief steward and explained the problem. The chief steward went up to the blonde and tried to explain that she couldn't travel in a first class seat.

She replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The chief steward decided to report to the cockpit and explained the problem. To his surprise, the captain looked up and said "I'll handle this, my wife is blonde, I speak blonde." Leaving the co-pilot in charge he went back to the first class cabin and whispered in the blonde's ear.

At that, she got up quietly, said "I'm so sorry" and went back to her seat in economy.

Back in the cockpit, everyone was amazed. "What did you say to her?"

The captain replied "I just told her that the first class section of the plane wasn't going to stop at Houston"!

Billy
02-11-2007, 08:26 AM
Broke Back Deer Camp
The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They
decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they
voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored
so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning,
same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all
night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly
ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast
bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed
and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night long."

glenneaglesfan
02-11-2007, 10:26 AM
Lol, good one, Billy!

Billy
02-11-2007, 05:07 PM
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year Eve Party. We turned on a night-light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...

Billy
02-12-2007, 01:43 PM
AUSTRALIAN ARMY

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez it's only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock.

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnson's did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!

All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

DonFan
02-15-2007, 11:34 AM
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. They fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, and says:

"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

EasyFeeling
02-15-2007, 02:43 PM
:laugh: :laugh:
I haven't been here for some time. Good jokes everyone!

sodascouts
02-15-2007, 02:57 PM
lol! Yep, I haven't had time to hit the joke farm here in a while, but these are cracking me up!

Maleah
02-16-2007, 01:38 AM
LOL! Love all of them.........but especially the dog one :laugh:

glenneaglesfan
02-16-2007, 02:41 PM
:lol: :lol:

Some of these are very funny! They are from a book called Disorder in the Courts, and are apparently things people have actually said in court.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the car impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. ..
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

Perfect Little Sister
02-16-2007, 02:52 PM
I love that last line GF!!!!!!

Billy
02-16-2007, 10:45 PM
very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.

Billy
02-16-2007, 10:49 PM
A man is watching a football game, and his wife is in the shower.
The doorbell rings, the man, who is too into the game, tells his wife to go answer the door.
She answers the door wearing only a towel. Its her neighbour Joe. She asks him what he wants. Seeing the woman in just a towel, he says, "If you drop down your towel to your waist, I will give you $500." The woman, who figured she would be getting $500 for free, agrees and drops down her towel. Then, Joe says, "If you drop the towel down completely, I will give you another $500" The woman drops her towel down completely. He gives her the $500 and leaves.
The husband watching the football game asks the wife who was at the door. She replies, "It was just our neighbour, Joe."
The husband says, "Did he say anything about the $1000 dollars he owes me?"

freyfanatic
02-16-2007, 10:58 PM
lol, gross, those are hilarious

Ive always been a dreamer
02-18-2007, 05:55 PM
I'm playing catch up on this thread as well. There are some really great jokes here everyone.

Z, I just got a chance to listen to a few of these, and they are hilarious. I've only gotten about 1/4 of the way through, but I was sitting here LMAO.


I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with the Bud Light Real Men of Genius ad campaign, but I found a site that has links to 64 of these commercials: http://thefuntimesguide.com/2004/10/bud_light_real.php

My favorites are #26 Mr. Tiny Thong Bikini Wearer http://thefuntimesguide.com/2005/08/flipflopsthongs.php
and #59. Mr. Ultimate Philadelphia Sports Fan
http://www.wmmr.com/upload/jaxon/budlight.mp3

I know, I have a sick sense of humor. What can I tell you? :P

Molly
02-24-2007, 08:16 PM
10 Pet Peeves Dogs Have About Humans:

1. Blaming your farts on me, not funny, not funny at all!

2. "Stop Barking!!" I'm a flippin' dog, you idiot!

3. Taking me for a walk and then not letting me check stuff out.
Whose walk is this, anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose....stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves ribbons or bows. Now you know why
we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog!! Woo
Hoo!! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain!!

7. Taking me to the vet for the "big snip" and then acting surprised
when I freak out every time we go back .

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry,
haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello?? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both
know the truth....you're jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop, do you?http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y137/mollycinder/16_2_1021.gif

sodascouts
02-24-2007, 10:04 PM
lol! That last line is killer. Even as a cat owner I can appreciate the poop point. ;)

Ive always been a dreamer
02-25-2007, 01:53 PM
Oh Molly - these are priceless. I laughed out loud at #6.

EasyFeeling
02-25-2007, 02:14 PM
That's too funny, Molly. http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/froehlich/g020.gif http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/froehlich/g020.gif
Especially the last line as Soda already said. http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/smilie/froehlich/g020.gif

DonFan
03-15-2007, 09:56 AM
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

sodascouts
03-15-2007, 11:52 AM
lol! Good one!

Brooke
03-15-2007, 01:36 PM
:applause: :rofl:

DonFan
03-16-2007, 10:35 AM
THE CONFESSION

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Vino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"4 months vacation and five good leads."

Brooke
03-16-2007, 10:44 AM
:lol: You are just full of them these days, DonFan! Hilarious!

DonFan
03-16-2007, 11:16 AM
Well, I'm full of something, Brooke,,,,,,, :twisted:
Thanks!

sodascouts
03-16-2007, 11:39 AM
lol!!!!

glenneaglesfan
03-16-2007, 11:58 AM
Love those jokes, Molly and Donfan, especially the pharmacist one!

sodascouts
04-02-2007, 03:07 PM
One of my friends showed me this joke. For all those who are tolerated by cats! ;)

Diary of a Dog - Diary of a Cat

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

DonFan
04-02-2007, 03:21 PM
Thanks Nancy--that was hilarious!

glenneaglesfan
04-02-2007, 03:59 PM
I laughed out loud at this one, Soda! Thanks, I shall pass it on to my parents to cheer them up!

Brooke
04-02-2007, 04:25 PM
:hilarious: Thanks Soda! I have to send that one along too!

DonFan
04-04-2007, 12:36 PM
I love words and playing around with words, so this definitely made me laugh today:
-----------------------------------------

For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity...

1. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
2. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
3. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
4. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
6. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
7. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
8. Is there another word for synonym?
9. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
10. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
11. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
12. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
13. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
14. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
15. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
16. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
16. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
17. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
18. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
20. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
21. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
22. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
23. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
24. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
25. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
26. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Brooke
04-04-2007, 01:16 PM
:hilarious: Those are all good DonFan!

Billy
04-04-2007, 02:36 PM
I feel terrible for passing this one on!!!!


I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had
to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a12 pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and I saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

sodascouts
04-04-2007, 05:43 PM
I love wordplay like that too, DonFan!

And Billy, that IS a bad one, but I have to admit I thought it was funny! lol

Ive always been a dreamer
04-04-2007, 11:03 PM
Dana - I love the wordplays, too. This one is especially good:

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

And Billy - you are so bad. Funny, but bad! :D

Maleah
04-04-2007, 11:07 PM
2. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

7. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

21. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

22. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?



Loved all of those, but these were my favorites! lol!

glenneaglesfan
04-05-2007, 06:26 AM
Lol, those are great, DF! I liked the 'lisp' one too!

DonFan
04-05-2007, 09:56 AM
Speaking of lisps......
---------------------------

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the
sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so
that he's on her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack
wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over
there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on
her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."


HAPPY EASTER EVERYBODY!!

Freypower
04-05-2007, 07:42 PM
I don't do this often but...

LOL!!! :D

DonFan
04-10-2007, 09:05 AM
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school.
This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their c hildren's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes. The outgoing message:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work,
homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
*If you want this in Spanish, you must be in the wrong country.

sodascouts
04-10-2007, 10:59 AM
lol!!!! Surely that's not really the message!

Ive always been a dreamer
04-11-2007, 12:44 PM
Well - if it isn't the message - it SHOULD be! :wink: It's so true.

Billy
04-14-2007, 05:42 PM
HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER!

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate,
Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship
between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over
the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to
wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must Be
thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your Mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.

So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
Brian



Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you
"do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer were
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom



LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

Maleah
04-14-2007, 10:44 PM
I love that one Billy! :laugh:

Ive always been a dreamer
04-15-2007, 02:37 AM
Yeah - I like that one too, Billy. I've seen this before, but it cracks me up everytime. Now, where did I put that ..... :wink:

glenneaglesfan
04-15-2007, 09:42 AM
LOL!! Good one, Billy!

Btw, I took some of your jokes over to my mum and dad, and it cheered them up no end!

sodascouts
04-15-2007, 04:32 PM
lol Billy! I hadn't seen that one before. Funny!

Billy
04-23-2007, 10:36 AM
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.



After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."



"Is that you, Fred?"



"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."



"What's it like?"



"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.



I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.



After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."



"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."



"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."

Ive always been a dreamer
04-23-2007, 10:49 AM
<he> <he> I thought so! :D

sodascouts
04-23-2007, 11:01 AM
lol. I didn't guess it!

Glennsallnighter
04-23-2007, 04:58 PM
Both are brilliant Billy! Loved the gravy ladle particularly :D

DonFan
05-03-2007, 10:31 AM
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work." The daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing, " he said, "What's for dinner?"

Ive always been a dreamer
05-03-2007, 01:39 PM
Oh - that is so bad, DF. :D

sodascouts
05-03-2007, 01:44 PM
OUCH! lol

sodascouts
05-03-2007, 02:31 PM
This isn't a joke per se, but it's a funny moment, so I went ahead and put it in this thread.


Today, I had some trouble with my laptop at school. It would start up, load the desktop and icons, then freeze. I rebooted it again and again, with no results. I was sitting there muttering "Crap! Crap! Crap!" when one of my Korean students came in for his conversational tutoring session.

He walked in, saw I was frustrated, and asked "Are you OK?"

I replied, "My laptop's broken!"

My officemate Nicole laughed, "It's because she changed her desktop from Fleetwood Mac to the Eagles. Stevie Nicks has put a curse on her."

This my desktop:

http://www.donhenleyonline.com/images/WPVB.jpg

My student Yung-Chul took a look at the computer and asked who they were. I explained they were the rock band the Eagles.

He frowned. "I don't like them."

I asked him if they knew their music.

YC: "No, but they look like bad guys."

Nicole: "I think they're handsome."

YC: "No, NOT handsome. Bad guys."

Me: "I think they are handsome, too."

He looked a little more closely at all of them and then pointed at Randy. "Maybe he is OK guy."

I laughingly pointed at Glenn. "What about him? You don't think he's handsome?"

YC frowned. "No, he is WORST guy! I don't like this kind of guys because he get ALL women!! Very bad guy!!"

LOL!!!

Then he proceeded to fix my computer. Other than a difficulty with English, the man is incredibly smart. I thanked him profusely and promised to change my wallpaper. ;)

Brooke
05-03-2007, 03:00 PM
Haha! Those are both funny!

Soda, do you think it was the cowboy hat?

sodascouts
05-03-2007, 05:07 PM
Haha! Those are both funny!

Soda, do you think it was the cowboy hat?

I bet it was. You know how all the girls love cowboys!

Glennsallnighter
05-03-2007, 06:59 PM
Well I certainly love Glenn :heart: in a cowboy hat. In fact I love Glenn :heart: in anything :D. He is just so Hot, Sexy and Gorgeous. :inlove:

glenneaglesfan
05-04-2007, 02:47 AM
ROFL, DF and Soda!! Thanks for a laugh at the beginning of the day!!

Ive always been a dreamer
05-04-2007, 09:41 AM
That is funny Soda. Well - I've got to say that Korean student of yours is very smart. Even he knows good stuff when he sees it. :D

Ive always been a dreamer
05-08-2007, 12:33 PM
I love this one - hmmm - maybe I'd better cancel that boob job after all! :wink:


A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked,' Is my time up?'

God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live. ' Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and
have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the car?'

God replied,

'Giiirrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you.'

Brooke
05-08-2007, 01:21 PM
:rofl: Too funny dreamer!

glenneaglesfan
07-05-2007, 06:11 PM
This is supposed to be a true exchange of letters. I admire the reply. :D

Dear Mr. DeVries

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal land owner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely, David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is the actual response he sent back

Dear Mr. Price,
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Your certified letter dated 10/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.

I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skilful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.

In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream 'restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the Beavers. But if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream.

They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now.

Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!

Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Ryan DeVries

Billy
07-10-2007, 05:50 PM
An Insecure guy says to his wife...."Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?"
The wife replied"You told me never to ring you at work!"....

sodascouts
07-10-2007, 06:01 PM
hehehe, Billy. Another scandalous woman. ;)

GEF, I forgot to reply earlier - that is a hoot! Gotta love those beuraucrats!

DonFan
07-10-2007, 07:12 PM
The week before the honeymoon...

The groom-to-be is out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week!"

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, and taped it all together....an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and they go off on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.

She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this ....still in the CRATE!"

sodascouts
07-10-2007, 07:21 PM
bwahaha!

glenneaglesfan
07-11-2007, 03:32 AM
ROFL, df and Billy!!

Billy
07-18-2007, 01:42 PM
NOMINATED AS THE BEST SHORT JOKE THIS YEAR!

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a
bath.

'Mom' he asked, 'are these my brains?'

'Not yet' she replied.

Molly
07-18-2007, 03:14 PM
Wow, billy -when you're right, you're right! :wink:

sodascouts
07-18-2007, 06:30 PM
Teach your children well.... lol

Glennsallnighter
07-18-2007, 08:20 PM
Love it Billy :rofl:
Hey, hang on I've got a three year old boy.....good excuse for the hubby to start giving him his baths!

glenneaglesfan
08-14-2007, 11:03 AM
This list was shown to us last week to emphasise the importance of clear medical records:

1. The patient refused autopsy

2. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital

3. Note: Patient here recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very angry when given an enema by mistake.

4. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

5. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

6. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

7. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

8. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

9. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

10. She is numb from her toes down.

11. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

12. The skin was moist and dry.

13. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

14. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

15. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

16. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

17. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

18. Examination of the genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

19. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

20. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

21. Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

sodascouts
08-14-2007, 11:22 AM
lol. Funny what a typo or misplaced modifier can do!

EasyFeeling
08-14-2007, 02:04 PM
:? I'm lost. I think it's the language. I understand it but don't get the "joke". :blush: The only thing what I know is none of that makes any sense. :hmm:

DonFan
08-14-2007, 02:24 PM
20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Coworkers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......Post or send this by E-mail to someone to make them smile. :D

-------------------------------------------------
I loved 5 and 19. :wink:

Brooke
08-14-2007, 03:43 PM
:hilarious: I love those! Especially #17 & #19!

sodascouts
08-14-2007, 03:48 PM
#3 and #6 are my favorites!

Maleah
08-14-2007, 08:17 PM
:lol: I loved #17, 18, and 19! lol!

Brooke
08-28-2007, 10:29 AM
I got this in an email today. Some pretty cute ones!

____________________________________________

LIFE AFTER DEATH :
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON :
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!! "

SUPPORT A FAMILY :
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN- LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

FIRST TIME USHERS! :
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."

PRAYERS :
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"

CLIMB THE WALLS:
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADD Y WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE MOOD RING :
MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.
..
THE WATER PISTOL :
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie ?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"


Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face..
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie . "Giving up?"



GRANDMA'S AGE:

LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA! HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."



JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

Maleah
08-28-2007, 12:20 PM
:lol: :lol: Those are great brooke!

Ive always been a dreamer
08-28-2007, 04:03 PM
Very cute ones, Brooke! I especially loved that Palm Sunday one.

Molly
08-28-2007, 05:27 PM
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-
year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with
a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he
shouted.

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board...."

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called
out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

Maleah
08-28-2007, 06:04 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

glenneaglesfan
09-05-2007, 03:06 PM
Lol, Molly and Brooke! Thanks for those - they cracked me up!

Ive always been a dreamer
09-05-2007, 04:22 PM
OMG - I meant to comment on Molly's joke a while ago and completely forgot. It is hilarious Molly - love it!

Perfect Little Sister
09-05-2007, 07:44 PM
These are great!

sodascouts
09-06-2007, 03:28 AM
Having a hard time sleeping, so I watched some funny videos on YouTube. This one had me ROLLING.

Weird Al Yankovic's "White and Nerdy" video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xEzGIuY7kw)

DonFan
09-10-2007, 03:45 PM
I love Weird Al! You have to be talented to do such spot-on parodies. :rofl:

DonFan
09-10-2007, 03:48 PM
The Good News and the Bad News

Two 90 year old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day.

One day Moe says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball up there."

Joe looks up at Moe from his death bed. " Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Moe--Moe."

"Who is it? Asks Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday. "

Glennsallnighter
09-10-2007, 05:15 PM
Brilliant!! I love it! :rofl:

glenneaglesfan
09-10-2007, 06:30 PM
That's priceless, Df!!

Molly
09-10-2007, 06:42 PM
Very funny, DF!

SweetHolly
09-10-2007, 09:23 PM
LOL! Good one! :lol:

DonFan
09-16-2007, 06:53 PM
A 6 year old boy and a 4 year old boy are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues,"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with the word hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK ! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out !"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man ?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios !"

Glennsallnighter
09-16-2007, 07:28 PM
:hilarious: :rofl: :lol:

Sounds like breakfast time in our house!

DonFan
09-17-2007, 12:15 AM
I'm full of them this afternoon.... :wink:

BEST GENIE STORY EVER...

A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't be en with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses --what do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old.... .and both of you still believe in genies?"

sodascouts
09-17-2007, 01:26 AM
AW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That first one was funny, but that second one was HILARIOUS!!!

Glennsallnighter
09-17-2007, 04:02 AM
OMIGODOMIGODOMIGOD That last one was absolutely BRRRRRRILLLLLLLLLIANTTTTT :lol: :rofl:

Mrs Frey
09-17-2007, 09:57 AM
I don't often get a chance to read through all of the threads I'd like to, and this is one of them. I'm glad I got in here today, as I just want to say: DF, you are quite the joker! Those three little stories were hilarious and very clever! Thanks for posting! :hilarious:

DonFan
09-17-2007, 10:49 AM
Aw, thanks--but I can't really take credit for these--I am blessed with very funny friends who pass these jokes along to me! :D

Glennsallnighter
09-17-2007, 04:15 PM
But you are so kind to pass them onto us DF! Thanks so much :D

DonFan
09-17-2007, 04:18 PM
You are all very welcome. We can all use a good laugh now & then, can't we? :rofl:

glenneaglesfan
09-17-2007, 04:51 PM
ROFLMAO, Df!!!!! That last one was brilliant! Thanks for posting all these great jokes.

This is quite funny. You need to read the item description.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=130144061675

Perfect Little Sister
09-17-2007, 05:03 PM
:rofl: OH that was great GEF! Thanks for that. My friend and I used to go grocery shopping together...her four kids and my three youngest, all stair steps. People would ask us whose were whose and before she could say anything I'd say, "oh they're all hers!" As they were all 7 blonde and blue-eyed, she'd get some mighty interesting looks. lol

DonFan
09-17-2007, 05:36 PM
OMG, that was hilarous! I am going to visit that woman's blog!

Glennsallnighter
09-17-2007, 06:01 PM
OMG GEF!! That was hilarious. :lol: Even with only 2 kids I can relate to the whole experience. Particularly the pre shopping lecture, the 'I wants' and the idea of the toddler trying to climb out of the trolley! In my case the 'third child' the odd time he came shopping taught the kids to pretend the trolley was a fire engine and run through the aisles calling out 'Nee Naw Nee Naw'. The best bit is when they 'help' you to pack it away!!

sodascouts
09-17-2007, 06:15 PM
LOL! That was great, GEF! I have sworn off Ebay because it was costing me too much money to buy memorabilia I didn't really need, but I ventured back onto it for that - and it was totally worth it!!!

Molly
09-17-2007, 07:10 PM
That was great, gef!


And my kids always said I was a mean mom because I wouldn't take them to the grocery store, instead I made them stay home with my 3rd kid...I mean their Dad.

And thanks for your jokes as well, DF. Much needed on a Monday!

Freypower
09-17-2007, 07:59 PM
DF and GEF, those were superb. :hilarious:

I can't resist a clunky reference. I bet that couple wished they'd been able to get the genie back in the bottle. :eyebrow:

SweetHolly
09-18-2007, 12:37 AM
LOL!!! :lol: :rofl:

Mrs Frey
09-18-2007, 02:09 AM
GEF, that was absolutely brilliant! :rofl: :lol: :hilarious: What a great way to start my Tuesday morning. That lady writes extremely well. I agree with the suggestions by those who answered her advert that she should write a book. It would sell very well, as there are so many people who can identify with her. Thanks so much for posting the link, GEF!

DonFan
09-27-2007, 05:06 PM
LAUGH FOR THE DAY:

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men. :rofl:

sodascouts
09-27-2007, 05:14 PM
LOL! That's so bad! ;)

rcknalwys
09-27-2007, 05:18 PM
This is such a great thread! What fun to start the day with a smile, ok, not the same smile the drool-worthy pics bring, but a smile nonetheless. Thanks to all who contribute.

glenneaglesfan
09-27-2007, 05:35 PM
Oh DF, the number of times I've laughed out loud at your jokes! Thanks again fo another good one!

Ive always been a dreamer
09-27-2007, 06:05 PM
Once again, I am behind on this thread. But, I just caught up. These are hilarious DF and GEF. I love this thread too.

Molly
09-27-2007, 06:09 PM
DF, that one is priceless!

I'm a sucker for puns -hubby sent me these this morning:


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"
says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. ; A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made himů(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ....A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

DonFan
09-27-2007, 06:13 PM
:rofl:
Hilarious, Molly!

sodascouts
09-27-2007, 06:16 PM
These were great, especially the last three! lol!

Glennsallnighter
09-27-2007, 06:41 PM
Thanks Molly :D They are hilarious :hilarious:



19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made himů(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ....A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

This one reminds me of another. I'm sure Billy will relate to it. Early this decade a relatively 'small fry' Scottish team called 'Inverness Caledonian Thistle' beat those giants Celtic in a cup match. I don't know what the score was, but a headline in the following day's newspaper went

'Super Cala's go Ballistic, Celtic are Atrocious'

I'm sure Billy can provide the actual dates and score :wink:

Freypower
09-27-2007, 07:22 PM
Slight correction to that - it was 'Super Caley go ballistic' - one of THE great sporting headlines. I support Celtic too (sort of).

Glennsallnighter
09-27-2007, 07:51 PM
Thanks FP! I only saw it on a newspaper the morning after in the garage shop where I used to have breakfast, and had to commit it to memory on the spot. Was it around 2000 or 2001? I guess early 2001 but I could be way off.

As you say, it certainly was a great sporting headline regardless of who you support.

sodascouts
09-27-2007, 08:52 PM
lol! Too funny, GA and FP! I actually found the headline online! What a hoot!

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/3f/Supercaley.png

SweetHolly
09-27-2007, 09:22 PM
ROFL! :rofl:

Glennsallnighter
09-28-2007, 04:04 AM
lol! Too funny, GA and FP! I actually found the headline online! What a hoot!

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/3f/Supercaley.png

Nice one Soda! Thanks :D

Ive always been a dreamer
09-28-2007, 11:27 AM
OMG - these are too funny, ladies. I thnk my favorite in Molly's post is "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

glenneaglesfan
09-28-2007, 03:32 PM
Oh brilliant! Thanks Molly, and GA and Fp for the headline.

I think some of these one liners are attributed to the late and great Tommy Cooper.

glenneaglesfan
10-10-2007, 01:10 PM
One for your boys, Molly! I'm not sure why Marquette was singled out for this one, but that's how I found it!

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear...one thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience:

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first: "well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. and when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In His best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed: "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start

Brooke
10-10-2007, 02:03 PM
:applause: Too funny, gef!

Ive always been a dreamer
10-10-2007, 03:09 PM
Oh my GEF - this is a GOOD one! :rofl:

Glennsallnighter
10-10-2007, 05:51 PM
Oh GEF that one sure had me :lol: :hilarious:

Molly
10-10-2007, 09:26 PM
Good one, gef!

SweetHolly
10-10-2007, 09:38 PM
Good one GEF! :lol:

Molly
10-11-2007, 06:18 PM
Why it's good to be a woman:

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3. We don't look like a frog in a blender when we're dancing.

4. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the Speedo.

5. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

6. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

7. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.

8. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

9. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

10. We can talk to the opposite sex without picturing them naked.

11. We will never regret piercing our ears.

12. There are times when chocolate really can solve all of our problems.

13. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

Glennsallnighter
10-12-2007, 04:28 AM
:rofl: :lol: :hilarious:

Mrs Frey
10-12-2007, 07:27 AM
:rofl: :lol: :hilarious: :applause:

Girls, I have just been catching up on this thread since the last time I posted here (oh boy, I've missed too much!), and you ladies have posted such gems! Brilliant!

Molly, I just have to comment on point ten of "Why it's good to be a woman". Now, be honest: would you be able to talk to Glenn :heart: and NOT picture him naked? :twisted:

Okay, sorry, I'm REALLY being bad now! :blush: I couldn't resist! :lol:

Perfect Little Sister
10-12-2007, 12:36 PM
These are just great!

GEF-I laughed out loud when I read that one and my 3 year old grandson wanted to know why I was laughing.

Molly-You never fail to crack me up. Even hubby had to laugh at #13...I'm always accusing him of that.

Molly
10-14-2007, 05:22 PM
A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking: the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Brooke
10-14-2007, 08:16 PM
:rofl: Too funny, Molly!

sodascouts
10-15-2007, 12:12 PM
lol! That gave me a good chuckle this morning. Thanks Molly!

Ive always been a dreamer
10-15-2007, 02:43 PM
Oh yeah - these are so good Molly. The reason they are so good is because they are so true. :D

Glennsallnighter
10-15-2007, 05:01 PM
:rofl: :lol: :hilarious: :applause:


Molly, I just have to comment on point ten of "Why it's good to be a woman". Now, be honest: would you be able to talk to Glenn :heart: and NOT picture him naked? :twisted:



Don't know about you MF :wink: but every time I even look at a pic of him..................................... :blush: :makeout: :censored:

Perfect Little Sister
10-15-2007, 07:47 PM
:laugh: I love it Mol!

glenneaglesfan
10-16-2007, 12:03 PM
4. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the Speedo.

LOL, Molly!! And my other half actually used to wear these! :?

A Parrot story

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little?' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,

'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said,

'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,








'Hi, Keith!'

Brooke
10-16-2007, 01:55 PM
:rofl: Now that was funny! Thanks gef!

Ive always been a dreamer
10-16-2007, 02:49 PM
Oh my gosh, GEF - that really was a good one! I need to send that one to a few friends.

Molly
10-16-2007, 07:18 PM
LOL! Love it -Kate!

DonFan
10-16-2007, 08:36 PM
:rofl:
That was great, GEF!

EasyFeeling
10-17-2007, 02:46 AM
Too funny, GEF. :rofl:

Glennsallnighter
10-17-2007, 04:40 AM
Brilliant GEF! :lol: :rofl: :hilarious:

Perfect Little Sister
10-17-2007, 03:59 PM
A Parrot story

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little?' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,

'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said,

'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,








'Hi, Keith!'


This is priceless!!! I love it!

SweetHolly
10-17-2007, 09:10 PM
ROFLMAO! :lol: :rofl: :hilarious:

Perfect Little Sister
10-19-2007, 05:19 PM
A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I
met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." You must have looked really silly wearing that
costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life.

Brooke
10-20-2007, 09:04 AM
:hilarious: Too funny!

Molly
10-20-2007, 09:34 AM
Disturbingly funny, PLS! Someone sent me this photo -I have to share it -it's adorable!

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y137/mollycinder/Prayerfulldog.jpg

Dear God, thank you for sending me to Tommy's house and not Michael Vicks! Amen!

Maleah
10-20-2007, 11:50 AM
I love that picture! So cute! :)

And PEF :shock: That WAS disturbingly funny! :lol: