Good for a Laugh

[Glennsallnighter]

Billy, I'm ing! Very Funny! But oh so true!

[Billy]

Big People Words
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the
first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on
NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding
them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana.
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big
People' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alec thought
real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
Winnie the SH*T."

[Glennsallnighter]

Great one Billy! I've heard it before but still laugh! I could share a few other 'big people words' but as its a family board, better not!

[sodascouts]

You're on a roll, Billy!

[Glennsallnighter]

Its 11:30 pm January 1st 2007.

An elderly couple are on the main street of Dublin city centre. As usual they have been waiting a while for the bus.

Paddy : 'God! Its very cold tonight love, isnt it?'
Mary : 'Oh yes Paddy, coldest night of the year so far I think'

[Billy]

Good one..

Just like the rich American guy who was driving a big,swanky car in Mid Ireland on business,trying to find the road to Dublin.He suddenly see's an old farmer tending his cattle in the field.He rolls down his window and calls the old farmer to him...He says "excuse me Paddy,but does this road go to Dublin?".
The farmer, more than a little annoyed at the tone of the guy,replies
"No sir,it stays there all the time".

[Glennsallnighter]

Too True Billy Too true!

Congrats on becoming a 'Desperado' !

[Billy]

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a new born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor .. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

[Glennsallnighter]

However a cautionary word Billy. I may be a lot of things in my life and I intend to live long and die smiling. However I will never be an old man.

YOU however WILL

[Billy]

A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant.

"Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic," he says. "I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks, "So, Seamus, how was your day?"

Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol."

"Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Seamus.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door op ens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing, and lies down on the table. She shouts, "Help me, I beg you! It's been five years since I've seen a man!"

"Thunderin' Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes