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Stuck on the Border
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Stuck on the Border
I just remembered the joke Glenn told when they were doing the Hole In The World photo shoot.
A man has been stranded on a desert island for years. When he is finally rescued the rescuers see that he has not one, but three tents. When questioned, he says:
'The first one I live in, the second one is my church and the third is the church I used to go to'.
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Moderator
That last one hits home, FP!
Love the blonde jokes!
A blonde got on to a flight to Houston. After a while she moved from her economy seat to a seat in first class. The steward came up to her and said "I'm very sorry, you'll have to move as this is a first class seat and you only have an economy ticket."
The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."
The steward went up to the chief steward and explained the problem. The chief steward went up to the blonde and tried to explain that she couldn't travel in a first class seat.
She replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."
The chief steward decided to report to the cockpit and explained the problem. To his surprise, the captain looked up and said "I'll handle this, my wife is blonde, I speak blonde." Leaving the co-pilot in charge he went back to the first class cabin and whispered in the blonde's ear.
At that, she got up quietly, said "I'm so sorry" and went back to her seat in economy.
Back in the cockpit, everyone was amazed. "What did you say to her?"
The captain replied "I just told her that the first class section of the plane wasn't going to stop at Houston"!
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Border Desperado
Broke Back Deer Camp
The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They
decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they
voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored
so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning,
same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all
night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly
ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast
bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed
and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night long."
Take It Easy
Billy
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Moderator
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Border Desperado
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year Eve Party. We turned on a night-light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...
Take It Easy
Billy
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Border Desperado
AUSTRALIAN ARMY
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez it's only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock.
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnson's did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!
All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila
Take It Easy
Billy
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Stuck on the Border
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. They fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, and says:
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
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Stuck on the Border
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02-15-2007, 02:57 PM
#100
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very funny Billy! I love blonde jokes! Unfortunately the only one that I've heard over the years that I actually REMEMBER is this one........... lol
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