Good for a Laugh

[DonFan]

Under the heading "Let's kill all the lawyers, kill 'em tonight":

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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are (purportedly) things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_________ ____________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral. What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________ _________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Dr, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive & practicing law.

[TimothyBFan]

Those were great!!! Can you imagine being a court reporter having to take those down without laughing? Too funny!

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Those are too funny, DF - scary but funny!

[Troubadour]

Oh, DF! That was hilarious. These two really tickled me:

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral. What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.

The first one is an example of something so silly it's almost surreal. Love it.

[ticky]

According to this My new name is Farcus Lizardtushy (I added the "Y" cuz it's more girly) I like it. I think it'll be my Nom De Plume

MY NEW NAME IS IN THE SUBJECT..
DON'T LAUGH UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT YOUR NEW NAME IS.



The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

So:- 1. Use the second letter of your first name to determine your New first name:

A = snickle
B = doombah
C = goober
D = cheesey
e = crusty
F = greasy
G = dumbo
H = farcus
I = dorky
J = doofus
K = funky
L = boobie
M = sleezy
N = sloopy
O = fluffy
P = stinky
Q = slimy
R = dorfus
S = snooty
T = tootsie
U = dipsy
V = sneezy
W = liver
X = skippy
Y = dinky
Z = zippy

2. Use the first letter of your last name to
determine the first half of your new last name:
A = dippin
B = feather
C = batty
D = burger
E = chicke n
F = barffy
G = lizard
H = waffle
I = farkle
J = monkey
K = flippin
L = fricken
M = bubble
N = rhino
O = potty
P = hamster
Q = buckle
R = gizzard
S = lickin
T = snickle
U = chuckle
V = pickle
W = Hubble
X = dingle
Y = gorilla
Z = girdle

3. Use the last letter of your last name to determine the
second half of your new last name: a = butt
B = boob
C = face
D = nose
E = hump
F = breath
G = pants
H = shorts
I = lips
J = honker
K = hea d
L = tush
M = chunks
N = dunkin
O = brains
P = biscuits
Q = toes
R = doodle
S = fanny
T = sniffer
U = sprinkles
V = frack
W = squirt
X = humperdinck
Y = hiney
Z = juice
Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is:
Crusty Feathershorts.


TOO LATE! *G* I know what you're thinking.. and I already did it! Here's the break down..

Glenn Frey - Boobie Barfygorilla
Don Henley - Fluffy Wafflegrorilla
Joe Walsh - Fluffy Hubbleshorts
Timmothy B. Schmit - Dorky Lickinsniffer (I think this one is my favorite)

[TimothyBFan]

Mine is Dorky Waffledunkin

Timothy and I have something in common--we now have the same first name!

[EagleLady]

I am Dorky Lickinhiney

[Brooke]

Oh my, I am Snickle Lickinsniffer! I must be related to Timothy!

[Troubadour]

I am Fluffy Featherfanny.

Apart from the fact that she sounds like the kind of girl NO man would want to meet... You've got to appreciate the alliteration! Good tongue twister, too. Try saying that after a few vodkas.

[EagleLady]

Obama's new name is Snickle Pottybutt