Good for a Laugh

[sodascouts]

lol, Billy, those ones certainly made me laugh!

Now it's time for 25 versions of revenge!

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

[DonFan]

LOL!

[Brooke]

Those are both hilarious!

Here's one from me...

An elderly woman was caught shoplifting at the local grocery store. Her husband accompanied her to court.

Judge: "Mam, what did you steal?"
Woman: "A can of peaches."
Judge: "How many peaches were in the can?"
Woman: "Six."
Judge: "You realize you will have to spend some time in jail for this offense. You will have to spend 6 days in jail."

At this time, the woman's husband piped up and said, "Your honor, my wife stole something else, too."

Judge: "What?"
Husband: "A can of peas!"

[Billy]

man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just
been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant... then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the
corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished
your round of golf didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself!

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!

For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. She'll need to bathed, diapered and fed and you'll be her care giver!
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "Just pulling your leg . She's dead.

What'd you shoot?"

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Okay - these are all too funny - you all are on a roll. Billy, that last one is just cruel.

[Witchy Mummy]

Loving these jokes!

Ways to Know If You Have "Estrogen Issues"

Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".

Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice!

Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".

You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Things Only Women Understand

Cats' facial expressions.

The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

Cutting your hair to make it grow.

Eyelash curlers.

The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

[sodascouts]

lol, Brooke and Billy! WM - that durn dryer has shrunk all my jeans again, too! lol

[glenneaglesfan]

Great jokes!!

Billy, I think it's time to get your own back again!

WM, in a household with three men I entirely agree about the trying to beat your best time thing!

[Billy]

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her I was pretending to be a light bulb so the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You're clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my blonde co-worker followed me, the Boss said to her, "And where do you think you're going?"

(You're going to love this.....)

J

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

[Now, THAT'S clever!!!]

[sodascouts]

hehe. Good thing I'm a brunette!