Happy birthday, Austin!

[Windeagle]

I agree with everthing Soda says. I'm also a "glass half-full" kind of girl.
I prefer to see what's good rather than dwell too much on what's lacking.
The fact that you can play a rockin guitar is paramount. A warm, dry bed to sleep in -- fabulous. Two parents that love and support you unconditionally -- priceless. You are computer savvy and have a network of people who care about you -- and not just here on the border. I don't know you well enough to list whatever else you have going for you, but I bet if you give it some thought you could write out a long list. Change is hard but if that's what you need to do to be happy then get crackin young man. We are all here to support you in any way we can. Even small steps eventually get you where you want to go! Rant over.

I was thinking the same thing. Volunteering can really pick you up. You seem to have a real talent for music, so if there's some way to work out the transportation, maybe you could share your music with kids at a preschool or older people at a nursing home or play at lunchtime at a soup kitchen or something. Seeing your music make other people happy might help to make you happier too.

[WalshFan88]

Thanks everyone.

It's very hard where I live as I live way out in the country and the closest town has about 1,000 people in it if that. So it's very hard to get out - it's not like I live in a city where there is public transportation or anything. I live out in the country with the closest town being super small and no buses, taxis, or anything like that. I live in Redneckville. Very very small town in West Central Illinois. Just not many options in the area. I am going to try to find some way to get out more though - I have to. Another reason why I probably don't get out much is my severe social anxiety. It's a double edged sword. I want to get out but yet when I do I'm anxious. It's like the ultimate torture. I want to socialize but I can't. I've tried every medication under the sun and nothing works for my depression or anxiety - some even make it worse and have landed me in the hospital which is obviously no good. And therapy was a waste of time. It sucks... So a combination of feeling depressed and a combination of being a very nervous anxious person with anxiety (social anxiety mainly) is a recipe for disaster. It is the worst...

What is interesting though is that I am not nervous at all onstage. I can and have play(ed) music onstage in front of LOTS of people but I can't even go in to Walmart. But if I am playing guitar I am not nervous around people - I think it's because guitar is the one thing I'm confident about. Same with the guitar stores - I am playing guitar so I'm very confident. But take me offstage or out of the guitar store and I'm frightened as all get out again. And with concerts I do ok once the music starts playing because I can forget about the people. But doctors waiting rooms, Walmart, and other public places make me nervous because all I see is people and I think they are looking at me or talking about me. But if I'm playing music I'm very confident and very much owning it. But the second I step offstage I want to get out of there as quickly as possible and hide. Makes no sense to me.

But I will do my best to try and get out more and try to be happier. It's just so very tough to see the positive when you are being drowned in the negative. It seems like all there is, is negative and it makes it very hard to see the positive but I will try to focus on that. It's just a vicious cycle as one bad thought will come and then it spirals out of control and before I know it - I'm profoundly depressed. Which is what happened yesterday. It sucks.

Thanks again.

[Brooke]

Austin can you try talking to your Mom and Dad about this? Maybe they can help you get something worked out. What about friends or relatives nearby that could help? I'll bet someone close by would be willing.

[Glennsallnighter]

Austin! Sorry I missed your actual birthday, but I wanted to make this for you and tongiht is the first chance I've gotten! Hope you enjoy it.



I must say I find your story very interesting, particularly the idea that you are one person on stage and a different one off! I would love to be able to play as confidently as you can.

Anyway I hope the next year brings great happiness to you and an improvement in your health. As Joe says, take it 'One Day At A Time' and do the best you can for yourself each day. Remember we are all here to help you when the going gets tough. Take care of yourself....

[WalshFan88]

GA - Thank you so much! I love it! I am indeed a different person onstage than off. It is like I am in a different state of mind and personality even. It's weird.

Brooke - Yes but I don't want to be a burden to them any more than I have to and I try not to drag them down with my depression. I already feel bad enough about it. But I do talk to them about it but with our limited resources there isn't much we can do. They try to get me out of the house on the weekends when they can. Of course they both work and are super busy but are very supportive and I'm glad.

I'm just going to try getting out more on the weekends when I'm able to and try to do the best I can and hope for the best and try to think as positively as possible. I'm doing all I can. It sucks living where I do in this area because there is very little resources or anything. The closest town with anything activity wise at all is about 1 hour away and the closest big shopping places are about 2 hours away.

[Maleah]

So sorry I missed your birthday Austin! I hope it was a great one!!!


As for what you're going through, I don't know fully how bad your anxiety and fear is.....but I know I battled both a LOT as a child, teenager, and young adult. I remember as a teenager not even wanting to go into the post office and get the mail or walk into a store because I either thought everyone was looking at me too or I was terrified that I might have to talk to someone and actually make conversation. I had very low self esteem and quite frankly I couldn't think of anything to say to people. Most people could have conversations with each other and it would just flow. I could do that with family, but take me out of the family setting and my mind would just go blank and I'd get nervous. Unfortunately, the only way I ever got through this was by not having any other choice. As I got older I had to get a job and went to college, both of which forced me to at least be social enough to be around people at work. I still didn't hang out with people outside of work or family, but I had to be around them. Walmart was my first real job and you're around a lot of people there. The longer I worked there, I eventually realized that it didn't scare me to talk to people any longer. I kind of came out of my shell and never went back. lol But it's a horrible feeling to have such anxiety and fear, I completely understand that! Good luck with everything, I hope it gets better for you!

[Ive always been a dreamer]

I am very sorry about your personal situation as well, Austin. And you are right, it is a vicious cycle. But, as you probably already know, you are the only one capable of breaking that cycle even though it can be very difficult. I sounds like you are in a very serious place, and really need to seek help soon. There may be lots of services available to you that you're not aware of. Please take care of yourself and start taking some steps to get the help that you deserve - even if they are baby steps, you gotta start somewhere. I wish you the very best.

[WalshFan88]

Thanks everyone.

I'm going to try to do my best to improve it. It will undoubtedly take time.