Good for a Laugh

[DonFan]

Under the heading "Let's kill all the lawyers, kill 'em tonight":

**********************************************
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are (purportedly) things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_________ ____________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral. What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________ _________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Dr, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive & practicing law.

[TimothyBFan]

:hilarious::hilarious: Those were great!!! Can you imagine being a court reporter having to take those down without laughing? Too funny!

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Those are too funny, DF - scary but funny!

[Troubadour]

Oh, DF! That was hilarious. These two really tickled me:



ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral. What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.

The first one is an example of something so silly it's almost surreal. Love it.

[ticky]

According to this My new name is Farcus Lizardtushy (I added the "Y" cuz it's more girly) I like it. I think it'll be my Nom De Plume

MY NEW NAME IS IN THE SUBJECT..
DON'T LAUGH UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT YOUR NEW NAME IS.



The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

So:- 1. Use the second letter of your first name to determine your New first name:

A = snickle
B = doombah
C = goober
D = cheesey
e = crusty
F = greasy
G = dumbo
H = farcus
I = dorky
J = doofus
K = funky
L = boobie
M = sleezy
N = sloopy
O = fluffy
P = stinky
Q = slimy
R = dorfus
S = snooty
T = tootsie
U = dipsy
V = sneezy
W = liver
X = skippy
Y = dinky
Z = zippy

2. Use the first letter of your last name to
determine the first half of your new last name:
A = dippin
B = feather
C = batty
D = burger
E = chicke n
F = barffy
G = lizard
H = waffle
I = farkle
J = monkey
K = flippin
L = fricken
M = bubble
N = rhino
O = potty
P = hamster
Q = buckle
R = gizzard
S = lickin
T = snickle
U = chuckle
V = pickle
W = Hubble
X = dingle
Y = gorilla
Z = girdle

3. Use the last letter of your last name to determine the
second half of your new last name: a = butt
B = boob
C = face
D = nose
E = hump
F = breath
G = pants
H = shorts
I = lips
J = honker
K = hea d
L = tush
M = chunks
N = dunkin
O = brains
P = biscuits
Q = toes
R = doodle
S = fanny
T = sniffer
U = sprinkles
V = frack
W = squirt
X = humperdinck
Y = hiney
Z = juice
Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is:
Crusty Feathershorts.


TOO LATE! *G* I know what you're thinking.. and I already did it! Here's the break down..

Glenn Frey - Boobie Barfygorilla
Don Henley - Fluffy Wafflegrorilla
Joe Walsh - Fluffy Hubbleshorts
Timmothy B. Schmit - Dorky Lickinsniffer (I think this one is my favorite)

[TimothyBFan]

Mine is Dorky Waffledunkin

Timothy and I have something in common--we now have the same first name!

[EagleLady]

I am Dorky Lickinhiney :rofl:

[Brooke]

Oh my, I am Snickle Lickinsniffer! I must be related to Timothy! :thumbsup:

[Troubadour]

I am Fluffy Featherfanny.

Apart from the fact that she sounds like the kind of girl NO man would want to meet... You've got to appreciate the alliteration! Good tongue twister, too. Try saying that after a few vodkas.

[EagleLady]

Obama's new name is Snickle Pottybutt :rofl:

[DonFan]

My name is Snickle Battydunkin.

Troub, I love Fluffy Featherfanny--it made me laugh out loud! :rofl:

[eaglesvet]

DF, Ticky, and Troub...I am ROFL as I am reading all of these. I especially loved reading about the brain in the jar, DF!

Warmest regards,

Sneezy Featherhiney

[eaglesvet]

Ticky, I'm wondering how many other Borderers can actually admit to having volumes of Captain Underpants books on their shelves at home? I know we do!

[ticky]

Ok, you caught me.. I do.. *G* or did. I think we quit getting them when Jenni out grew them, but Sarah is coming right up behind with the other Dave Pilkey series Dumb Bunnies. It's nearly as entertaining AND Much more juvenile! (Hard to believe, I know, but Dave Pilkey seems to know no boundies in his youthful exuberance and tastelessness *G* )

[eaglesvet]

It looks like we're skipping the Dumb Bunnies stage, and we are just about done with Captain Underpants. We only hit those on rare occasion, but they are good backup when the child doesn't really want to do the required amount of reading that night!

[TimothyBFan]

Maybe you have all seen this before but a friend sent it to me. I thought it was pretty funny and every mother on here will be able to relate.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMhuAtyFCrw

[ticky]

hehehe I love it

[eaglesvet]

Absolutely!

[Prettymaid]

Well that was quick - they pulled it!

[TimothyBFan]

Here's another version of the Mom Song -not quite as good as the other one but still really cute.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxT5NwQUtVM

[Prettymaid]

Wow, that was a mouthful!

[MikeA]

Warning: Adult Content!

There I was minding my own business when I noticed a most beautiful model standing right in front of me. And all of her attention was focused on ME! She was beautiful. Tantalizing round softly aluring protrusions prominently displayed to do NOTHING but tempt me! Oh God how I wanted to just reach out and feel them. Flick them. Yes, even turn them! I fought the Devil in one last halfhearted attempt to remove myself to the depths of despair rather than be lifted to the heights of estacy I knew were freely awaiting me! I do have my pride and I KNOW I am above such flauntingly obvious methods of seduction!

But it's too much. She conquered me. I yielded. I gave in. I am scum! How disappointed my wife will be that I had no self control. But I could no more resist that display of wonten sensuality than I could voluntarily stop my heart from beating! Slowly, I raised a hand and gently carrassed her body. I felt that it would take no effort to dial her in to every erotic need I'd ever imagined! As sweat dripped from my smolder brow, and with fingers shaking, throbing in anticipation, I plugged in!

The Les Paul sounded every bit as good as I'd hoped when jacked into that Vox Modeling amp! Everything from oozing Blues to Phase Shifting Metal! All in one package. What a dream!

[Freypower]

:hilarious:

Well.... after all, B.B. King has his Lucille and Mr Frey once said 'her name is Old Black' when he referred to his trusty Les Paul.

[Prettymaid]

Mike, you naughty boy!
Seriously, I knew from the second sentence that you were talking about a guitar! :hilarious:

[TimothyBFan]

:hilarious: I didn't know! Good one!

[MikeA]

Actually, it was about the amp :partytime:

And it wasn't really a dream. I visited a local guitar shop and saw the Vox Modeling amp back in the room where they let customers plug in and try out both guitars and amps. They had an LP hanging on the wall and I grabbed it, and plugged it into the Smaller of the two VOX amps they had on display. It was pretty amazing.

I'm saving penny's now to buy the amp. As much as I'd love to have a Les Paul, it ain't gonna happen! Too rich for my meager blood.

[EagleLady]

Right... ;)

[ticky]

SO even after that cheap tramp hussy of an amp flaunted her knobs at you, you're going back for more? You know she lets any and all men who want to "Plug in" and play!! *G*

[Maleah]

ROTFL! Ticky.......that was too funny :thumbsup:

[ticky]

I was laughing so hard I cried...

Joe Cocker ~ Woodstock W/interpretations (http://www.elwp.com/Joe%20Cocker.html)

[MikeA]

I was laughing so hard I cried...

Joe Cocker ~ Woodstock W/interpretations (http://www.elwp.com/Joe%20Cocker.html)

Whaddaya thank Ticky....Maybe Cocker was just a little bit up in the clouds? He never missed a single note! Now those lyrics.....Hmmmm. Doubt he'd have made it past Simon, Paula and Randy, do you?

[ticky]

¡¡ʎɐpoʇ pǝuɹɐǝ1 ı ʇɐɥʍ ʞoo1

[Koala]

¡¡ʎɐpoʇ pǝuɹɐǝ1 ı ʇɐɥʍ ʞoo1
:applause:
Thats cool!

[ticky]

ʞuı1 ǝɥʇ ppɐ oʇ ʇobɹoɟ ı (http://www.cheesygames.com/upside-down-text)

[Koala]

:)
¡ʎuunɟ ʎ11ɐǝɹ sı sıɥʇ

[TimothyBFan]

¡¡pɐǝɥ ʎɯ ɥʇıʍ buıssǝɯ doʇs:hilarious:

[ticky]

ǝɥǝɥǝɥǝɥǝɥǝɥ

¡pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɟo puıʞ sıɥʇ ɥʇıʍ ɹǝʇıɹʍǝdʎʇ ɐ buıpuıɟ ʎɹʇ noʎ puɐ ¡ǝʞoظ ɐ ʇou sı ɐıxǝ1sʎp ǝsɹǝʌǝɹ ǝɯǝɹʇxǝ .ɯǝ1qoɹd snoıɹǝs ɐ ǝʌɐɥ ı .ʎuunɟ ʇou sı sıɥʇ

[sodascouts]

I think upside down posts should contain no more than five words. Trying to read any more than that makes my head hurt! lol!

(Note: kidding - not laying down new Admin rule!)

[ticky]

I think we should post the Music Shuffle game the new Eagles Madlib games upside down!! (would make it more of a challenge!) *G*

[EagleLady]

How do you type upside down?

[ticky]

the link is above El *G*

[TimothyBFan]

Glad no one saw me standing on my head trying to read this! Then I realized that all I had to do was turn my laptop upside down! :oops: :hilarious::hilarious:

I'm gonna try sending my kids emails like this--that ought to tick them off a bit--anything to aggravate the kids right?

[EagleLady]

unɟ os sı ʇɐɥʇ

[Koala]

¡sǝɥɔɐpɐǝɥ ʎɯ ɹoɟ buıɥʇou sı ǝsıʍ buıʇıɹʍ uʍop ǝpısdn sıɥʇ:brickwall:
but its makes fun!

[Mrs Henley]

*Headache!*

Hahaha no fun!

[MikeA]

GOD AND THE BIKER

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways,
I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said,
'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want ' .

The Lord said, 'That request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help
mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time.


Finally, he said, 'Okay, I wish that I, and all men, could understand
our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking
when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she
means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a
woman truly happy.'

:angel:

And the Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

[eaglesvet]

It would have been waaayy too difficult for Her to explain all of that to the biker, never mind all men!! :hilarious:

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Very funny and nice try, Mike. But once again, the man misses the mark with the assumption that men possess comprehension skills. :lol: :lol: :lol:

[TimothyBFan]

A friend of mine just sent me an email with funny pics of animals and these 2 pics just cracked me up! Thought I'd share.

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image006.jpg

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image007.jpg

[Troubadour]

LOL! Thanks for sharing, Willie. They really tickled me!

[Brooke]

:lol: I love those Willie. Thanks!

Love your joke, too, Mike!

[ticky]

Finally!!! a way to overcome my debilitating shyness!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xN0254u56Mc

[Prettymaid]

Hey Ticky, that's great that you've found some help for your problem. If I were you I'd start immediately - but look out for those side effects!

[Koala]

I like the photos, very funny,
especially this with the dog and the cat!

[tbs fanatic]

Ha! I love it :hilarious:.

[Peekaboo]

:hilarious:That tequila video had me crackin up!!! Love it!!

[Glennsallnighter]

Brilliant Ticky! Have you started on it yet? :wink:

[EagleLady]

:rofl: Good one Rhonda

[ticky]

˙oɥʇ ǝɔuǝɹǝɟɟıp ɐ pǝɔıʇou ʇuǝʌɐɥ ı ¡sʎɐp oʍʇ ɹoɟ ʍou ʎɥs ʎןƃuıʇɐʇıןıqıp ǝɥʇ ɹoɟ ɯɐɹƃoɹd ɐןןınbǝʇ ǝɥʇ uo uǝǝq ǝʌ,ı ¡¡sǝʎ

[EagleLady]

ɐɥɐɥ

[MikeA]

This morning on the way to work, I looked over to my left and

there was a Woman

In a brand new Cadillac

Doing 75 mph

With her Face, up next to her rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds!

And when I looked back she was

halfway over in my lane,

still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;

I dropped My electric shaver,

which knocked The donut

Out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying

to straighten out the car

using my knees against

the steering wheel,

it knocked my cell phone

away from my ear,

which fell, into the coffee

between my legs,

splashed, and burned

Big Jim and the Twins,

ruined the phone,

soaked my trousers,

and disconnected an important call.


Damn women drivers!!

[EagleLady]

:hilarious: Good one But I hope you don't think all women drive like that

[eaglesvet]

There should be some sort of law against that, Mike. I hate it when I lose an important call!

[MikeA]

Ought to be a LAW is right! I'm afraid that seeing someone driving with a cell phone stuck in their ear is probably right up there with drunk drivers as far as I'm concerned. Can't even begin to tell you how many times I've come close to getting run over by some idiot. Seems like folks who NEVER visit on the phone at home, first find their keys and get in the car, then before getting out of the driveway, dial (or try to dial) up someone to talk to while negotiating traffic at 70mph.

It becomes the responsibility of everyone on the road to avoid them from that point on! Cell Phones are one reason I quit riding motorcycles!

[TimothyBFan]

A friend just sent this to me. I hope this works.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5GaxAcMVLg

[EagleLady]

I got an error message

[Brooke]

:lol: Too funny TBF!

[EagleLady]

:lol: That is too funny

[Prettymaid]

Aw, poor monkey! I've seen my cats do that before, too!

[MikeA]

Recipes:

BREAKFAST FOR MEN!

Three fresh eggs.
5 rashiers of precooked bacon.
4 slices of bread.
Butter.

Put bacon on papertowel on microwave plate and nuke for 50 seconds on high.
Put butter in pan and melt on medium-high.

Put 4 slices of bread in toaster.

Quickly now before butter is cooked away in pan on medium high, crack 3 eggs and dump them into pan. It is fun to try to break and dump them with one hand...but really messes up stove and the smell is atrocious. Good Stuff!

Take bacon out of microwave....wait... .

DARN....bread popped up. Hurry and put butter on hot toast.

DARN again! Got one piece of toast buttered and now notice that Eggs are burning!

Drop knife used to butter toast and run to pull skillet off of burner, rush over to sink and majestically toss eggs into air and catch in skillet instead of using some crude method like a spatula! Spatuals are for Dweebs! If Emeril can do it, you can too!

DARN once more! Hot Butter splattered on arm causing the dropping of skillet into sink but not before splattering butter and uncooked part of eggs on floor.

Clean skillet and put more butter in it and get 3 more eggs out of fridg.
Break eggs into skillet and return to buttering toast.

Pick self up off of floor after slipping on spilt eggs and butter! You can wait until after Breakfast to go to emergency room with dislocated vertebra.

Darn! Toast is cold.
Get 4 more slices of bread and put into toaster.

Watch eggs carefully this time.

Toast pops up and needs to be buttered. Obtain another knife because the one dropped is not to be found! Hopefully it's not sticking out of cat's tail! That might mean having to shampoo carpets!

Start buttering toast.

Darn! Eggs burning again! Grab skillet and rush to sink and flip eggs by tossing into air. They do look so graceful while twisting and flipping in air! OH NO! Not again! Arm is a solid blister now.

Toast is cold.

Now where did I put that bacon? Oh, in microwave. Check it! popping greese everywhere. Supposed to put towel OVER bacon not under it!

Screem real loud!

Wife rushes in to see what is wrong. Tactfully, ask WIFE if she will cook breakfast! Wife says to stay the hell out of her kitchen. She'll cook meals. I can go blow out garage (or go suck agges! or something to that effect.)

Note, similar receipe works well for baking cakes too. I only had to do that one one time. Cub Scout Bake Sale and Auction. Took Wife two weeks to get flower off walls and ceiling.

[EagleLady]

Interesting

[ticky]

Heheheeh this works really well in reverse too! Just tell hubby YOU'RE going to fix the toilet with a butter knife and his cordless drill!! It's amazing how fast the toilet gets fixed!

[ticky]

Found this on FB then on youtube.. you cant NOT laugh..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HhCqRjjFGI

[melrose]

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market.. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.




He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[EagleLady]

:rofl: That is a good one Melissa

[ticky]

I got this in my email and it made me giggle. If I can find this church, Im going there!!!

********************************

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.



At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.


Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.

12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with Cherry'.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

[tbs fanatic]

Ha! Good one. :hilarious:

[Troubadour]

LOL! Thanks for the giggle.

[melrose]

HaHa I like that! :hilarious:

[TimothyBFan]

Here's an email I received this morning.




Stutter

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard"!!

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss and before she could say "Shit", the Rottweiler ate her!!!!

The teacher had to leave the room......

[EagleLady]

Nothing is showing up Willie

[TimothyBFan]

It's showing up for me even when I'm not logged in. Anyone else having a problem seeing it?

[ticky]

I Sss Ssss Sssss Saw it fine *G* hehehehe

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Mmm Mmm Mmmee too! :wink:

[anne-o-gg]

I got this in my email and it made me giggle. If I can find this church, Im going there!!!

********************************

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the spook.




haha..that made me really LOL...

ok, here's one:

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed
Monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking
Her nose into other people's business….
Several members did not approve of her
Extra curricular activities , but feared her
Enough to maintain their silence…

She made a mistake, however, when she
Accused Frank, a new member, of being an
Alcoholic after she saw his old pickup
Parked in front of the town's
Only bar one after noon. .

She emphatically told Frank
(and several others)
That everyone seeing it there
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words,
Stared at her for a moment and
Just turned and walked away…
He didn't explain, defend, or deny…
He said nothing….

Later that evening,
Frank quietly parked his pickup
In front of Mildred's house ...
Walked home
.. . .and left it there all night !!!

(You gotta love Frank !)

[EagleLady]

No wonder I can't see it. It is in dark text and I am using the Halloween style :brickwall:

[ticky]

heheheehe cute Anne


El, try highlighting it *G* I do that when I cant read something

[Glennsallnighter]

Ticky, Willie and AoGG, they are all FANTASTIC!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

[ticky]

I nearly fell for this till I read the address The Umpteenth Times : Music News that's fit to Fake, It's all fake news, but very funny!

REPOST: Tipper Gore to be Inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
By Barry Blain
CLEVELAND–In what might be the most controversial news in the world of rock ‘n’ roll since the passing of Elvis Presley, it was announced today that Tipper Gore, wife of former Vice President, Al Gore, is to be inducted in the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame, causing both praise and outrage from rock ‘n’ roll fanatics throughout the world.

Gore, 60, besides being known as the wife of the former vice president, had also made a name for herself back in the Eighties by leading a group composed mostly of Washington wives called, The Parent’s Music Resource Center (or The P.M.R.C., as it was more infamously known). The P.M.R.C.’s main task was to force the music industry to label each record it released, in the same manner films were rated by the MPAA, particularly those that included “explicit lyrics.”

In response to many of the rock videos Gore had watched as part of her research with the P.M.R.C., she had once publicly cried, “The images frightened my children! They frightened me! I am frightened! Way frightened! The graphic sex and the violence were too much for us to handle.”

Eventually, a Senate-hearing on the “dangers” of rock music was held and artists including Frank Zappa, Twisted Sister’s Dee Snider and legendary folk artist, John Denver, came to the defense of the first amendment rights of the artists in question. It was later decided that each record company would “voluntarily” label albums if they felt they might cause a disturbance in certain communities. Still, once the smoke had cleared, Tipper Gore had become a full-blown enemy of the rock world.

Ironically, years later, after her husband and Bill Clinton had won the 1992 presidential election, The Gore’s made an appearance on MTV, the very channel they had once accused of perpetrating “pornography,” thanking all the young people that had supported them in their campaign. Those that remembered the Tipper Gore of the 1980’s were shocked and somewhat perplexed by the appearance.

Mike Scorzelli, 39, Massapequa, N.Y. remembers: “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I remember thinking, ‘Wasn’t that the same broad that tried to outlaw music videos like seven years ago? Now, all of a sudden, everyone’s on MTV’s kissing her ass? That’s so f**ked up.’”

And if that wasn’t enough to inflame the rage of those that remembered Gore’s past as “Public Enemy No. 1,” Al Gore, himself, during his bid for the presidency in 2000, was, surprisingly enough, financially backed by such famous rock stars as Sheryl Crow, Joe Walsh, Stevie Nicks and Dweezil Zappa, son of one of Tipper Gore’s most outspoken opponents, Frank Zappa.

Apparently, all had either been forgiven or “forgotten.”

When asked why Tipper Gore was being inducted in the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame, spokeswoman for the institution, Helen Gurchnecht, replied, ”The Hall of Fame is going ‘green’ this year and there’s nothing more ‘green’ than the Gores. Rock ‘n’ Roll is no longer about playing loud, living fast and expressing yourself creatively. These days, it’s more about whether or not you bring your own shopping bag to the grocery store. Or if you decide to walk to church instead of taking the family SUV.”

Along with Tipper Gore, other inductees will include Run DMC, Jeff Beck, Little Anthony and the Imperials and longtime friends of the Gore’s, Metallica, who have publicly defended the Hall of Fame’s choice to induct Gore.

“Tipper kicks ass,” says drummer, Lars Ulrich. “We all belong to the same country club and enjoy each other’s company immensely. In fact, we recently had the Gores over for cocktails and it turned out that my butler used to be their butler, like fifteen years ago. We got a great laugh out of that one. It’s such a weird and crazy world.”

Although the rock ‘n’ roll elite seem to have embraced Gore, regardless of her past assaults on their art and culture, there are still some rock ‘n’ roll fans that will never forgive or “forget” the havoc she wreaked back in the Eighties, no matter how “green” she may have become.

“I’ve got two words for Tipper Gore,” says Robby “the Snake” Fontana, 41, Freehold, New Jersey. “Go f**k yourself.”

[TimothyBFan]

This is my niece's son-- they obviously have been teaching him his anatomy~~ to funny!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ox4JVzWq4o&feature=email

[Prettymaid]

Willie that is priceless! :hilarious:

[ticky]

LOL Willie too funny!!!

[sodascouts]

Willie - LOL!!!!!!

And ticky, the spoof you found was funny too!

[Glennsallnighter]

Ticky and Willie! Hilarious! They are brilliant.

[Prettymaid]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

[TimothyBFan]

Ahh---Finally an exercise program I could stick to!! :applause:

This is cute...

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on
reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.> 'Not a chance', she said.. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when
you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give
it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!
Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with
his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups
and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and
there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years But sure as I'm
sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

[melrose]

PM and TBF - those were both hilarious :hilarious:

[Brooke]

:rofl: Those were great!

[Troubadour]

LOL!

[Glennsallnighter]

Great idea for an exercise regime Cathy!!

And Willie! Damn! I'm gonna miss those frappucinos

[ticky]

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life-like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my life -like men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn't long before an officer pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers."

[EagleLady]

:rofl: That is priceless

[tbs fanatic]

Ha! Oh that's a good one :hilarious:

[TimothyBFan]

:hilarious::hilarious: Ticky---you are so funny!!!

[Brooke]

OMG! :rofl:

[Prettymaid]

LMAO :hilarious:

[Koala]

Good one!:rofl::hilarious:

[Glennsallnighter]

And knowing you Rhonda you'd be capable of doing it for real!

[MikeA]

A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question,

'How did I get here?'

Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'

'Did God send you, too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.

'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted

'He sent them also,' the mother said.

'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.

'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?

No wonder everyone's so darn grouchy around here!'

[Troubadour]

LOL, Mike! Very cute.

[Brooke]

:lol: Very cute!

[TimothyBFan]

This may be in bad taste- but you guys know me--what the hey!!! This is something one of my Sweet friends sent. You can't take everything serious or it will drive you over the edge right?

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/pooh.jpg

[ticky]

hehehehehehe

[Troubadour]

LMAO!

[Glennsallnighter]

Luvvit Willie! I'm going to print it out for the kids!

[Koala]

:hilarious: LOL

[DonFan]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she lets out a fart.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little "accident" and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional salesman in a store like Tiffany's, and greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Feeling uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident", she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

[Prettymaid]

:hilarious: That's hilarious DF!

[Glennsallnighter]

Brilliant!!

[TimothyBFan]

Celebrity Swine Flu Fatality
http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image002.jpg
And we all know who gave it to him!

[Prettymaid]

:stunned: Kermie!!! :weep:

[DonFan]

*sigh*
It's not easy bein' green.

[Koala]

poor kermit!


A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to thehospital.While on the operating table she had a near death experience.Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'Godsaid, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'Uponrecovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift,liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'

God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'

[eaglesvet]

That's a good one!:hilarious:

[TimothyBFan]

Change of subject a bit--EV what is your signature pic? It's peaked my curiosity!

[eaglesvet]

It's Bruce and the E Street Band...their current pic for the "Working on a Dream" tour. I'm still workin' on getting tix for their last show in the States this Saturday which I have backstage passes to :thumbsup:! But, alas, no tix...yet...but I will leave no stone unturned, no avenue un-explored. These tix at the arena at the Meadowlands are the tightest on the tour thus far (obviously being his home state), so he has been completely sold out from day 1 of Ticketmaster's Ticketgate snafu. I'm hoping my client who supplied my backstage passes will be come through with "Family and Friends" seats at the last minute, or that the arena will open up some ticket drops this week as well. Only time will tell... BUT, rest assured, as soon as I have good news, I will shout it out here on the 'Bruuuuuce' thread!

For anyone who might wanna know, rumor has it that he will return from his European summer for a 2nd leg of the US tour, doing stadiums instead of arenas. So, there will always be another chance for me...but I want this chance!

[Prettymaid]

Very funny Koala! :hilarious:

[TimothyBFan]

I was flipping channels this morning and ran across an episode of Golden Girls--I had to watch it and laughed so hard. Had never seen it before. Found the part I seen on YouTube! To funny!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVx9JjEDANg

[eaglesvet]

Here's the scoop on "The Real Housewives of New Jersey": :wink:

Three men married wives from different states.

The first man married a woman from Idaho. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Kansas. He gave his wife orders that she was do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from New Jersey. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

[sodascouts]

LOL!

[Brooke]

Great! :applause:

[Ive always been a dreamer]

OMG - That is too funny. The lady who started this thread, a.k.a. Z, is a Jersey girl, too. She'd love it!

[MikeA]

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke ..... And well worth the wait !!!! ,
>
>
> An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work
> on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
>
> They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and
> cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm
> going to jump off this building.'
>
> The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I
> get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
>
> The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a
> bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
>
> The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
> cabbage, and jumped to his death.
>
>
> The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
>
> The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
> death as well.
>
> At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, 'If I'd
> known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never
> would have given it to him again!'
>
> The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos
> or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
>
>
> (Oh this is GOOD!!)?
>
>
> Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
>
>
> 'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch .'

[Brooke]

:thumbsup: :rofl: Love it!

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Oh - that one is great, Mike! :thumbsup:

[cynd1231]

It's nice to have the tables turned for a change. I've been haunted by "blond" jokes all my life.........about time someone switched the gender! LOVEIT. :thumbsup:

[MikeA]

>>
> The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they
> got their tent all set up both men fell sound asleep. Some hours
> later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemosabe, look towards
> sky, what you see?'
>
> The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
>
> 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
>
> The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically
> speaking, it tells me there are millions of Galaxies. Time wise, it
> appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
> Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and
> insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
> day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?'
>
> 'You dumber than buffalo shit. Somebody stole our tent.
>

__________________________________________________ __________
Digital Photography - Click Now.

[Troubadour]

LOL! Very cute!

[Prettymaid]

That's an oldie but a goodie!

[ticky]

LOL Mike.. too cute *G*

LOL Cathy!!! LOVE the new AV.. way to get straight to the point!! so to speak!:rofl:

[Glennsallnighter]

Awwww Mike! Both of those are fantastic!! :hilarious::hilarious::hilarious:

[TimothyBFan]

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/Image3.jpg

[sodascouts]

LOL! Love that one!

[Prettymaid]

Hey, I never thought of that... :hmm:

[Prettymaid]

I'm sorry but this just cracks me up!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0LkTjxfNanI

[EagleLady]

Haha, I love the chipmunks! :hilarious:

[EagleLady]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rYVvB7tQ-c&feature=related

[MikeA]

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!

[EagleLady]

http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Jerry_Springer


I was looking around and I found this website, which spoofs Wikipedia, some of the articles are hilarious :hilarious:

[sodascouts]

I love that site! I even wrote the Glenn Frey article (http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Glenn_frey) for it (kind of like a roast - you think the guy's great, so you razz him a little).

[EagleLady]

Really? I never laughed so hard in my life after reading it, and the caption to the Photo of Glenn, Felder, and Randy :rofl:

[sodascouts]

Yep, I wrote the Glenn one. However, despite the Stevie mentions in the Henley spoof article, I didn't write that one. If I had, it would have been funnier. ;)

[TimothyBFan]

LMAO :hilarious: LOVE this part..."as well as two token songs by Joe Walsh and Timothy B. Schmit. "We had to throw them a bone," Henley admitted in a promotional interview."

Great stuff!!!

[sodascouts]

And don't forget the next part:

Henley continued, "There's someone else in the band whose songs suck too, but I'm not going to say who it is because it might cause trouble."

[MikeA]

Well Done Soda! Well done indeed! Done so well that no one who is not intimate with the personalities would not suspect that it is a "Roast". I like it.

[MikeA]

One of them there Filosoficul thangs:

Mayonnaise Jar & Two Beers...

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed..

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children.

Spend time with your Spouse.

Spend time with your parents.

Visit with your grandparents.

Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

[eaglesvet]

That's excellent...I love that whole dang theory!!

BTW, this is my STUCK ON THE BORDER 15OOTH post...I'd love to remember MikeA's philosophical story to commemorate it with!!:thumbsup:

[sodascouts]

Nice post, Mike - good sentiment! But since the maintenance people havent' yet fixed my disposal, I was a little less sympathetic to that one. ;)

And eaglesvet - CONGRATS!!!! You're such a lively contributor and we're lucky to have you!

[MikeA]

Back about, oh, 10 or 12 years ago, when I was doing a LOT of motorcycle riding, our garbage disposal went out. It was old and time for it to give up the ghost. I found a GREAT bargain on a commercial duty disposal at Sears I think. Anyway, I bought it. When I got home with it, I really looked at the old one and knew instantly I was in over my head. One of my biker buddies managed an apartment complex for a long time and his wife volunteered him for my repair/installation and thinking that since I got such a good deal on the wood-chipping disposal at Sears, I could afford him.

Well, the new unit required different plumbing, and it wouldn't mate up with the sink we had...a heavy porcelain sink...an antique possibly! Okay, new sinks aren't that expensive so Verna went Home Depot or somewhere and found a stainless steel one she though would be okay and bought it and brought it home. While she was gone, Chuck, my biker hero, proceeded to remove the sink. Now Chuck is one of those guys who doesn't use a jack to change a tire...he just lifts the car up with one hand, removes the lug nuts with his fingers and replaces the tire. In the process, he can drain a half case of beer! In the process of taking the sink out, he busted the counter top, rendered the faucets unusable and left a huge scratch on the wall when he carried the 150 pound porcelain sink outside!

Of course in repairing the counter, we couldn't match up the Formica with the counter on the other side of the kitchen so we had to tear off that Formica and replace it too.

It all worked out in the end, and I saved a LOT of money on the garbage disposal and we did drink lots of beer. A few months later, we refinished the cabinets and put in some of that fake hardwood floor. We do have a new kitchen now!

Moral: Don't fix the garbage disposal Nancy. Just take the garbage outside and let the stray dogs and cats have at it. They'll love you for it and you'll save untold hundreds if not thousands of dollars!

[Glennsallnighter]

Thats excellent Mike. I loved it.

Ev- Congratulations on becoming a TROUBADOUR!

Soda, I HOPE you manage to get your disposal unit sorted soon.

[Koala]

Congrats, eaglesvet!:)

------------

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming
pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool!" yells the lifeguard.
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

[Prettymaid]

Congratulations EV - post on Borderer! :rockon:

[GlennLover]

:partytime:Congrats, EV! Your Border posts are much appreciated!

[Brooke]

Mike, love the mayonnaise story.

Ev, great to have you here. Post on! :thumbsup:

[Troubadour]

Koala & Mike - love 'em!

EV, congrats from me, too. It's a pleasure to have you here! Post on :rockon:

[eaglesvet]

Thanks everyone for the good wishes!

[MikeA]

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy

[sodascouts]

LOL! Yep, sounds about right.

[MikeA]

LOL! Yep, sounds about right.

Now "that" just conjures up images that I just don't need to be conjuring up! <LOL>. And I'm talking about the MEN!

[AmarilloByMorning]

I clipped a portion from a recent Vanity Fair article about Larry King, and for some reason I cannot stifle a snort of laughter every time I read this:

...[while] an inside tour was being conducted of the vacated rooms, a shadow crossed the end of the hallway. To those who dare to hope, it was the ghost of Michael Jackson returning to his place of solace. On YouTube, the shadow was there for all to see. "Plenty of America's most staggering dipshits saw it," reported Gawker, "so CNN devoted an entire segment on [Larry] King's show to solving the mystery." ... I'm not sure how large a percentage of CNN's core demographic fits the definition of "staggering dipshits," but it is reassuring to know that the network isn't ignoring their needs.

Couldn't believe I'd actually read that in Vanity Fair. :grin:

[ticky]

LOL ABM... as I heard last night on The Daily Show (sad and abashedly my main source of news these days) Fox News is now the number one most popular news source in America and Im pretty sure they have a MUCH higher "staggering dipshits" demographic then CNN, but that's just my own observation. :)

[AmarilloByMorning]

Haha! Well, the news is about 13% accurate, anyway, so you might as well obtain it from an entertaining source. Really, what's the point? "Here's your daily dose of death, destruction, impending doom and dirty laundry. Sleep well!"

I must second your affinity for The Daily Show! I used to watch it every night before I discovered Craig Ferguson. Stewart had a segment a long time ago... I forget what it covered but it ended with a full-'fro vintage pic of Henley and Stewart managing a dead-on impression of The Dude: "But everybody knows Don Henley's smug, superior attitude killed the Eagles, mannnnn." It was brilliant.

[MikeA]

before I discovered Craig Ferguson.

I go to sleep with Ferguson on bout every night! Love his quick sense of humor!

[AmarilloByMorning]

I go to sleep with Ferguson on bout every night! Love his quick sense of humor!
That's what so completely endears me to him! It's like he scripts a little bit and the rest is ad-libbed. He has mastered the art of the running gag that made Monty Python and Eddie Izzard skits so successful. And I lose my mind every time he does "jazz hands" with the big, flailing arm motions.... I don't know why I find it so funny. Anyway. Love him!

[MikeA]

That's what so completely endears me to him! It's like he scripts a little bit and the rest is ad-libbed. He has mastered the art of the running gag that made Monty Python and Eddie Izzard skits so successful. And I lose my mind every time he does "jazz hands" with the big, flailing arm motions.... I don't know why I find it so funny. Anyway. Love him!


"I KNOW!"


Have you seen him do that whole skit about how he grew up and came to America? About how he couldn't play with anything breakable because it would put out an EYE? I haven't laughed that hard since I watched Howie Mandel blow up that surgical glove and put it on his head! Or Bil Cosby doing that "Himself" VCR tape!

There is STILL good Stand-Up happening...just hard to find. What's that guy's name who plays Vegas (Mandalay Bay I think)....Red something or other. He is hilarious with his props.

[Freypower]

That's what so completely endears me to him! It's like he scripts a little bit and the rest is ad-libbed. He has mastered the art of the running gag that made Monty Python and Eddie Izzard skits so successful. And I lose my mind every time he does "jazz hands" with the big, flailing arm motions.... I don't know why I find it so funny. Anyway. Love him!

I share your love of Monty Python, but for Eddie Izzard you should talk to my husband. I have faithfully watched all the DVDs that he owns and I don't really get Izzard's style.

[J Wilder 34]

Ok I have one but it might be a little too rude, apologies in advance.

A rich man and a poor man both have the same wedding anniversary
and every year they meet up in the same department store.

The poor man says to the rich man,
What did you get your wife this year?
Rich man says I got her a brand new Mercedes and a diamond ring
Poor man says why did you get her a new Mercedes and a diamond ring
Rich man says if she doesn't like the ring she can still keep the car and still be happy

Rich man says to the poor man
And what did you get your wife this year?
Poor man says a pair of slippers and a dildo
Rich man say why did you get her slippers and a dildo?
Poor man says
If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go F**K herself!!!

Apologies for the swear word.

[MikeA]

This is something that I DIDN'T know before I read this:

The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the
Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

Now, with that quoted, I did have a "Motorola" that ran off of a bucket full of batteries and was designed for playing in a car. It was worthless unless the car was NOT moving. At the time, that was just fine with me! I was only 18 or so.

[ticky]

I LOVE The Onion and I didnt know they had a video feed!!! too funny!
Ominous Music Heard Across the Country (http://www.theonion.com/content/video/sudden_ominous_music_heard_across)

[AmarilloByMorning]

I LOVE The Onion and I didnt know they had a video feed!!! too funny!
Ominous Music Heard Across the Country (http://www.theonion.com/content/video/sudden_ominous_music_heard_across)

"Police are saying not to let your phone ring ominously two or three times..." Tee-hee! That reminds me of the photo they had a while back: "Solitary Crow on Fence Portending Doom, Analysts Warn." Onion is awesome!

[sodascouts]

Man, gotta love the Onion! As a sci fi fan (though not a "trekkie" per se) I cracked up at this one:

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/trekkies_bash_new_star_trek_film

[MikeA]

Not the "Onion" but "Sports Illustrated": ENJOY...or try to.

Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to 'Milk Duds,' your sense of humor is seriously broken.
____________________________

Now this message is for America 's most famous athletes:

Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have. John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...

Move to Guam. Change your name. Fake your own death! Whatever you do. Do Not Go!!! I know.

The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach .

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.

Biff was to fly me in an F- 14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.

'Bananas,' he said.

'For the potassium?' I asked.

'No,' Biff said, 'because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down.'

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot. But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would 'egress' me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell, only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.

We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me.

And I egressed the bananas.

And I egressed the pizza from the night before.

And the lunch before that.

I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.

I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and, I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.

I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool.' Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it? I asked.

'Two Bags.'

[Brooke]

Oh my! By the time I got to milk duds, I was sick, too!

[AmarilloByMorning]

Woke up this morning to a text message from a friend at 3:17am:
"This is a mass text. Does anybody know where I am?"

So.... some people really do check out, but can never leave undergrad.

[Koala]

A man visits his granny in the nursing home. When he arrives, she is asleep, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, watches television and eats some peanuts from a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the granny wakes up, and the man realizes he's absentmindedly finished all the peanuts bowl. "I'm so sorry, granny, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dear," granny replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't like them anyway."

[MikeA]

You may laugh, probably will, but it AIN'T Funny!

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.


Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture ofgoat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[Ive always been a dreamer]

OMG - those are way funny, Mike!

[sodascouts]

Man, that Dave Barry article gave me a good laugh! And not just a little one - I completely cracked up throughout. The MoviPrep stuff was PRICELESS!

[Brooke]

OMG! I am :rofl: Hilarious!

[Troubadour]

LOL!

[Prettymaid]

Having been told at my last doctor's visit that I have reached the age where it's time to schedule a colonoscopy, I promptly did what I'm so very good at - I put it off! These last few months it's been in the back of my mind to get on the phone and get it scheduled. Mike, thanks to your excellent timing with the Dave Barry article, I'm going back to doing what I do best!

(I'm kidding... I'm planning on having it done next month!) :ack:

[DonFan]

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him . . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him ......Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me.... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him ... We don't know; it has never happened..

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . They already have boyfriends.

I said. . . . What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said. . . A widow.

He said to me .... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[EagleLady]

:rofl: Good One DF

[cynd1231]

ROTFLMAO.........DF, tooooooooo funny, especially the last one!!:laugh::rofl:

[Koala]

LOL:hilarious:

[sodascouts]

DF - LOL!

What color are "Eden" contact lenses? Maybe I should get me a pair!

[Troubadour]

DF, those were hilarious. Thanks for the laugh.

[sodascouts]

Our Facebook folks will appreciate this one!

http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1791517

(Warning: some language)

[Molly]

I was in a bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.

I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[AmarilloByMorning]

OMG soda, those were fantastic. I can almost see the time I'm going to waste perusing that website rustling its wings to depart. "MOM WTF" "Whoops, how do I unclick" haha!!

Cyndi I've been looking for a recommendation of colored contacts... perusing at the moment, actually. Nice comeback!

[MikeA]

Hillbilly Humor:

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Your Favorite Aunt

MOM

[cynd1231]

Called my son yesterday to check in and see what's new since we talked last. My 4 1/2 year granddaughter, Olivia, wanted to talk so he handed her the phone. Our conversation went something like this:

Liv: "Hi, Grammie, what you doing?"
Me: "I'm talking to you, what YOU doing?"
Liv: "Listening to french fry."
Me: "What?"
Liv: "Listening to FRENCH FRY."
Me: "Who is french fry?"
Liv: "YOU KNOW, Grammie...What Do I Do With My Heart"
Me: "You mean The Eagles?"
Liv: "NO!"
Me: Who?"
Liv: "You know...Joe Walls, Don Hemmey, Timmy Snit and FRENCH FRY!"
Me: "Don't you mean GLENN Frey?"
Liv: "I call him FRENCH FRY because he's yummy!"

Cracked me up --Another Eagles devotee!!!!!!!!!! My son tells me she refuses to listen to anything else in the car (which drives HIM crazy). Guess it's time for me to go back to Boston so I can REteach her all their names.

[ticky]

hahahahaha Cynd That's precious!! You've been teaching her wel.. but you REALLY need to read The Long Story! LOL

[sodascouts]

OH my gosh! LOL! The girl is a prodigy. ;)

[Brooke]

Cynd! That is too cute! Good job! Well, maybe you better work on it, but we got the picture, right?! :rofl:

[Koala]

Cynd, that is so cute!


Cracked me up --Another Eagles devotee!!!!!!!!!! My son tells me she refuses to listen to anything else in the car (which drives HIM crazy).
This reminds me of mine little neighbour (2) every time he is with me (he is each day with me) he wants to hear The Heat is On several times in a row!

[cynd1231]

When I was out there last year for Thanksgiving, Liv confiscated my iPod (which has essentially nothing but the Eagles on it) and she fell in love with all of it. In a matter of days she had every complete lyric to every song from LROOE down perfect. She is an absolute riot to watch when she's listening to "Guilty of the Crime" and "Sombody" -- her facial expressions are too danged funny!

(On my way to read The Long Story)

[Ive always been a dreamer]

OMG cynd - that is just hilarious. You are doing an excellent job of schooling this young lady. I mean, after all, you are teaching from a distance so you can't expect perfection, you know. You can work on that later! :lol:

[Troubadour]

Cynd, that is too cute! It reminds me of something GA's 5-year-old son, Chris, said the other day while Lisa & I were chatting... I can't remember whether he was watching a video or looking at one of Lisa's songbooks, but he said "I didn't know Glenn looked so pretty in a suit, mammy." LOL! How adorable is that?

Glenn's got the younger fanbase covered, apparently. :thumbsup:

[cynd1231]

I firmly believe in breaking 'tm in young and as long as it's an Eagle, doesn't matter which one. Liv particularly loves that song -- what she calls 'French Fry's sad heart song'.......although she also sings a mean version of "It's Your World Now" and when she watches F1 she gets right up close to the TV for "You Belong To The City"......THE GIRL'S GOT TASTE!

[AmarilloByMorning]

In the latest New Yorker there's a cartoon of a father sitting on the couch reading his newspaper with a son standing sheepishly off to the side. The caption is, "Someday when you have a kid of your own and you feel the urge to arbitrarily say no just because you can, you'll understand."

[cynd1231]

The Sunday supplement in our local newspaper always has a couple of cartoons, sometimes really cute. But yesterday the first one caught my eye and I laughed till I cried. I had to cut it out and stick on the frig because it's part of the reason my Significant Other is a FORMER instead of a 'current'.

Two guys sitting in a bar chatting with one another. One guy turns to the other and says: "My wife left me for someone who isn't right all the time."

Honestly, gals, can you relate???? :hilarious:

[MikeA]

I don't get it Cindy! :eyebrow:

[cynd1231]

You're the wrong gender, Mike! I wouldn't expect you to get it.

[MikeA]

LOL :thumbsup:

[MikeA]

A Mom is potty training her 3 year old boy. She get's him situated on the potty chair and gives him a Golden Book to look at and then goes about her business.

After quite a while of not seeing her little boy, she sneaks to the bathroom to make sure he's okay. He's still there but after a watching him a short while, she observes him laying the book down and gripping the toilet seat with his left hand and bops himself in the head with his right hand. After doing this, he picks up the book and resumes looking at it.

The Mom, a bit confused, asks him if he's "okay".

"Yes", says the little boy.

"Why did you just hit yourself in the head?"

The little boy answers, "Works with ketchup."

[MikeA]

My daughter may kill me if she ever reads this, and my grandson (3 years old) will certainly finish me off in a few years if he reads this.

Last week, we were keeping Miles as we usually do on Thursdays. Now, Amanda and Phil have been working hard with Miles on potty training.

I work in the basement and Miles isn't allowed to come downstairs while I'm working. My cell phone rang and it was Verna telling me to come up, I just had to see this!

I go upstairs and Miles had a couple of cane sticks dried from our watergardens that were about 24" long. I've been letting him beat on my drumkit for quite some time now and Miles was hammering the floor as he marched around but he was chanting in time with the beat:

It's coming out.

It's coming out.

Tha poop is coming out!

[Troubadour]

LOL!

[sodascouts]

LOL. I bet his mom LOVED that.

[sodascouts]

RULE FOR WOMEN: If you want your man to listen, use fewer words.

A joke? I just saw it on one of those talk shows said in all seriousness. :headshake:

[MikeA]

LOL. I bet his mom LOVED that.

We didn't teach that to him Soda. He's always making up things like that to music whether it's a drum beat or him banging away at a guitar or piano. For a three year old, he surely can express himself <LOL>

[Maleah]

LOL! "it's coming out, it's coming out" TOO funny!!!


"Pastor's Business Cards"

"A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came
to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on he back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that is card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message,
'Genesis 3:10.'
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the
door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'"

[MikeA]

My wife saw this on LVA (Las Vegas Advisor). LVA is a forum (membership required) that is about everything Vegas. Phil Helimuth and Phil Ivey are two of the best "Texas Holdem" poker players playing today. Sort of celebrities in the poker scene.

Seen on the "Director's Cut" (the weekly summary) of "Poker After Dark" last Sunday: Phil Hellmuth asks Phil Ivey if he's ever played golf against Tiger Woods. Ivey responds, "I've met Woods, but I'm so new to golf and, relatively speaking, so bad at it, that I've never even considered asking Woods if he wanted to play." Hellmuth kills Ivey: "Well, you play poker against me, don't you?"

[sodascouts]

Some musician jokes (http://www.guitar4you.com/fun/jokes.htm)!


Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: Night manager at McDonalds.


Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a guitarist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.



Q: What's the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a band?
A: "When do we get to play MY songs?"


Q: How do you get a guitarist off of your porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.


Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.


Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
A: His amp.


Q: What is the difference between a punk rock guitar player and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.


Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.


Q: How many bass players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven- if you lay them out correctly.


Q: How do you get a guitar player to turn his amp down?
A: Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.


Q: How do you get a guitar player to turn his amp off?
A: Put notes on the sheet music!


Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard?
A: Stop laughing and shoot again.


Q: How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None - they'd get their girlfriend to do it.


Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.


Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A: Gifted!


Q: How do you get two drummers to play in time?
A: Shoot one of them.


Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the drum solo!


Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None - they have drum machines to do that now!


Q: What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A: A drummer!


Q: What did the bass player get on his IQ test?
A: Drool!


Q: How can you tell when your lead vocalist is out of tune?
A: His lips are moving!


Q: How many lead vocalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one! They hold the bulb and the world revolves around them!


Q: What's the range of a fretless bass?
A: About 20 yards if you've got a good arm!


Q: What happened when the bass player locked his key in the car?
A: He spent an hour trying to get the drummer out!


Q: How many union roadies does it take to plug in an amp?
A: Eleven. You got a problem with that?


Q: What's the difference between a keyboard and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse inside.


Q: What do keyboard players use for birth control?
A: Their personalities!


Q: Why are set breaks limited to 20 minutes?
A: So the band doesn't have to re-train the drummer!


Q: If you were lost in the woods - who would you ask directions from:
An out-of-tune bass player, an in-tune bass player, or Santa Claus?
A: An out-of-tune bass player! The other two indicate you were hallucinating.


Q: What do you say to a guitarist wearing a suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise?


Q: What's the difference between a guitarist and a government bond?
A: A government bond matures and makes money.

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Oh those are funny! But now, I understand better why Don shies away from those drums and Tim limits his bass playing on Expando. :laugh:

[Brooke]

Q: What do you say to a guitarist wearing a suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise?


:laugh:

This one is particularly fitting! Bet they hadn't thought of that when they decided to suit up!

[Prettymaid]

Q: How many lead vocalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one! They hold the bulb and the world revolves around them!


:laugh: My personal favorite!

[Koala]

Great ones!

Three Wishes
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on herfront porch, reflecting on her long life, when *** all of asudden ***
a fairy godmother appears in front of her andinforms her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like tobe really rich."
*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young,beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front ofthem. "Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome thananyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

[Prettymaid]

:hilarious: Good one Koala!

[MikeA]

Some musician jokes (http://www.guitar4you.com/fun/jokes.htm)!

Q: How do you get a guitar player to turn his amp down?
A: Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.


Q: How do you get a guitar player to turn his amp off?
A: Put notes on the sheet music!


Appropriate <LOL>

[TimothyBFan]

This Swine Flu thing has gotten out of hand....

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image001.jpg

A friend of mine sent this to me this morning. :hilarious:

[sodascouts]

LOL! I just heard Mick Fleetwood got it!

[Troubadour]

Is it a bad sign that I just snort-laughed? :headscratch:

Hope Mick recovers quickly!

[sodascouts]

I thought this Onion "fake news" article was hilarious!

Steven Tyler Laid Off from Aerosmith as Band's Jobless Rate Hits 20% (http://www.theonion.com/content/news/steven_tyler_laid_off_from)

(BTW - Eagles mention at the bottom!)

[TimothyBFan]

That was great!!!

[AmarilloByMorning]

Haha the Onion rocks. "Unfortunately, tying a scarf to a microphone stand is no longer a marketable skill." Excellent.

Quite appropriate I post this after TBF's Expando signature...

I stumbled across a half-satire faux screenplay about how Frey and Henley keep shafting Schmit. I must caution that it's scripted in a deliberately mocking manner - naked Korean girls tend to Henley while Frey behaves as a lowlife fratboy, with Schmit cast as a variant of Pretty in Pink's Ducky. However, Walsh makes concurrently the most effortless and perhaps entertaining fictional appearance of his life - I snorted Diet Coke through my nose (not recommended). If you didn't find the Onion article suggesting Walsh's premature termination hilarious this will leave you completely affronted and it's best you steer clear; however, if you take life with a touch of satire and a healthy dose of sarcasm, I recommend this as one of the most entertaining fan-composed Eagles articles I have ever snickered though (http://popdose.com/you-again-timothy-b-schmit-expando/).

"The tour has had a bit of a residual effect on Joe." Classic.

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Thanks for posting that, ABM. I thought it was hilarious, too. Actually, this was posted a couple of weeks ago in another thread, and sparked quite a spirited discussion. Here is the link if you are interested ...

https://www.eaglesonlinecentral.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2062&highlight=high+five&page=2

[Freypower]

Is it a bad sign that I just snort-laughed? :headscratch:

Hope Mick recovers quickly!

By the way, I hope he does too. I will be seeing him on December 7.

[AmarilloByMorning]

I appreciate the link, dreamer! Managed to miss it the first time around.

[sodascouts]

Funny or sad? You decide...

http://failblog.org/2009/11/24/parenting-fail-19/

[TimothyBFan]

WTH? :headscratch: Bizarre is how I describe that!

[Prettymaid]

Some of the comments below are hilarious.

[ticky]

Im just having wayyy too much fun with jibjab heheheh

http://aka.zero.jibjab.com/assets/production/08/60/27/49/42jyjj.jpg

[Troubadour]

Too cute, Rhonda! You've got me seriously hooked on JibJab.

A little foray into Don Henley's dreams... :mrgreen:

http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/r1QuWEM1Q8hhscAN


http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/r1QuWEM1Q8hhscAN

[sodascouts]

lol! Now we just have to make ones for Glenn and Tim and we're set! ;)

[TimothyBFan]

Im just having wayyy too much fun with jibjab heheheh

http://aka.zero.jibjab.com/assets/production/08/60/27/49/42jyjj.jpg

My new background! :hilarious: Keep them coming girls!!

[ticky]

here ya go, Willie, reading is FUNdamental! *G*

http://aka.zero.jibjab.com/assets/production/08/64/40/54/57puuj.jpg

[ticky]

Lou, Jess and all you Don Fans... *G*

http://aka.zero.jibjab.com/assets/production/08/64/41/36/67iurd.jpg

[ticky]

huh huhhuhuhuhuh.. Dr. Glenn has a special thermometer just for you *G*
http://aka.zero.jibjab.com/assets/production/08/64/42/03/59spqc.jpg

[ticky]

and last, but definitely not least... *G*
http://aka.zero.jibjab.com/assets/production/08/64/50/31/04lf68.jpg