Good for a Laugh

[TimothyBFan]

here ya go, Willie, reading is FUNdamental! *G*

http://aka.zero.jibjab.com/assets/production/08/64/40/54/57puuj.jpg


OMG!!!! :hilarious: Naughty Librarian images dancing in my head!!

I came here to post something Lou sent me and found this! What a great morning!! I needed these! Thanks guys!

Here's something Lou made in JibJab. Glad Lou & Rhonda are enjoying that--they sure are coming up with some doozies! Please overlook the pic of me (not my most flattering on a hot summer day :hilarious:).

http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/nkDWvTw2Rl01DZ7c

You Glenn fans are going to love what he can do with garland! :woah:

[Troubadour]

Hello, 911 - I'm on fire!

[Koala]

Thanks ladies, the last pics and videos are great and hot, I really enjoyed it!!

[Brooke]

OMG! You guys are hilarious! :laugh:

[Prettymaid]

These jib jabs are so cute I can hardly stand it! :hilarious:

[Freypower]

huh huhhuhuhuhuh.. Dr. Glenn has a special thermometer just for you *G*
http://aka.zero.jibjab.com/assets/production/08/64/42/03/59spqc.jpg


I don't know whether to laugh or cry but I thought it needed reposting. AHEM. :angel::blush::shy::twisted:

As for the video there was some rather interesting hip swinging there at one point.... :hilarious:

[eaglesvet]

Willie, that was some awfully HOT dancin' going on in that workshop!!:thumbsup:

[sodascouts]

Just bringing over this from Dreamer's birthday thread, for the benefit of those who might not have seen it there. Made by ticky....

Chippendale Eagles (http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/4nwzqpZXBG5YEktc)!

[MikeA]

Not really a "joke" but pretty amazing!

Count every 'F' in the following text:



FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE

SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI

FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH

THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
There are 6. Really! The brain does not process the "OF" combination!

[MikeA]

Again, not a "joke" but INTERESTING. Look at the spinning girl.


http://mvabercrombie.net/spinninggirl.gif


If she is spinning to the "right" you are using the right side of your brain. If she is spinning to the left, you are using the left side of your brain. Supposedly, if you can see her spinning in both dirrections (at different times <LOL>) you have an IQ in excess of 160.

Now, I ain't got no 160 IQ, but I can see her spinning both ways. To change the direction to counterclockwise, I sort of look at the "X" at the top right of my screen and sort of "unfocus" on it. That seems to change the direction of her spin for me.

But the natural spin I see is clockwise. It is an effort to see it counterclockwise. I guess that confirms why I have such meager artistic ability since it is the left side of the brain that controls that and the right side that controls the "logical" part.

[Brooke]

Darn Mike. You had me thinking I was pretty smart there, cause I saw her spinning both ways, too! :laugh:

[GlennLover]

Yes, so did I. So much for the accuracy of that experiment :)!

[MikeA]

I just don't know why you say it like that GlennLover. It's been long a suspicion of mine that we were all Geniuses here.

[TimothyBFan]

An email I received this morning. At what point does "political correctness" go to far. :hilarious:

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!


Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,


Patty


Company Memo


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO: All Employees


DATE: October 2, 2009


RE: Gala Holiday Party


In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.


Happy now?


Happy Holidays to you and your family,


Patty


Company Memo


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO: All Employees


DATE: October 3, 2009


RE: Holiday Party


Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?


Somebody?


And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.


REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.




Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2009

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: October 5, 2009

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!


Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 6, 2009

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!
Joan

[eaglesvet]

LOL!

[eaglesvet]

Not really a "joke" but pretty amazing!

Count every 'F' in the following text:



FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE

SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI

FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH

THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
There are 6. Really! The brain does not process the "OF" combination!
That is so strange. I did it several times, and got 3!

[eaglesvet]

Again, not a "joke" but INTERESTING. Look at the spinning girl.


http://mvabercrombie.net/spinninggirl.gif


If she is spinning to the "right" you are using the right side of your brain. If she is spinning to the left, you are using the left side of your brain. Supposedly, if you can see her spinning in both dirrections (at different times <LOL>) you have an IQ in excess of 160.

Now, I ain't got no 160 IQ, but I can see her spinning both ways. To change the direction to counterclockwise, I sort of look at the "X" at the top right of my screen and sort of "unfocus" on it. That seems to change the direction of her spin for me.

But the natural spin I see is clockwise. It is an effort to see it counterclockwise. I guess that confirms why I have such meager artistic ability since it is the left side of the brain that controls that and the right side that controls the "logical" part.
Mike, I saw her first spinning to the left. Then I tried your "unfocusing" technique, and saw her spin to the right. Now I can't get her to go back to my natural visual spin direction!

One correction to your analysis...I'm pretty sure it is the right side of the brain that controls artistic/creative pursuits, while the left is the scientific/analytic side. A good friend of mine is a graphic artist by trade, and her company is called "The Right Side" for that very reason. It wouldn't make sense if it were the other way around!!

[TimothyBFan]

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.



'Actually, no,' he replied.



'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.



'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'



'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and

slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.



'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.



"Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'

[MikeA]

Now Willie, THAT's just WRONG!

[Brooke]

Oh my! :rofl:

[Koala]

lol :hilarious:

[GlennLover]

I just don't know why you say it like that GlennLover. It's been long a suspicion of mine that we were all Geniuses here.

So sorry, Mike. You're right! We must be geniuses to be such avid fans of such a great band. And consider the amazing wit & intelligence that is expressed in The Border posts :wink:.

[MikeA]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b*tches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS.. CAN I GO NOW?"

[AzEaglesFan]

World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" But the girl said "NO" and he lived happily ever after. The guy rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting. Played golf a lot. Drank beer and scotch. He had tons of money in the bank. Left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End

[ticky]

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?

[Koala]

Be Quiet

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding
down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain..."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your
heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say...,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky
for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good
mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
----------------------------


The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"

[TimothyBFan]

Those are some good ones you guys!! :thumbsup:

[Prettymaid]

:hilarious: Keep 'em coming!

Willie, I shared your Christmas Party company emails with everyone and they were a big hit!

[MikeA]

Proverbs


1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6 He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

[ticky]

heheheh Mike I love these. Im using them today as my status updates on Facebook LOL thanks

[MikeA]

Wal-Mart announced that, sometime in 2010, it will begin offering customers a new discount item, their own store-brand of wine.The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-$5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of Walmart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of Arkansas, "but the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Walmart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax. I know possum is not a white meat.

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Wow Mike - You are on a roll today. Love the proverbs and the wine list. I'm still trying to decide which is my favorite of the wines. :grin:

[sodascouts]

LOL at the proverbs! Here are my faves:

6 He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

[MikeA]

There were several of those Proverbs that I really liked. I'm quite sure a Psychiatrist would have a fieldday with the choices people made.

One of the most profound "Okay, so what is the speed of DARK?"

Dark is the opposite of Light and the opposite of the Speed of Light would have to be either ZERO or -186K miles per second. Since Dark is the absence of Light, I would tend to go with ZERO.

That is logical since it is normally during the DARK that we sleep and that is when Mental Activity is at a minimum....for 50% of us (those above average!) which brings to mind the fact that 42.7% of statistics are made up on the spot.

And in dealing with the Speed of Light, and darkness being the absence of Speed, then I pity the poor amphetamine junkies!

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Good Lord, I need to get a life! But at least I KNOW I "should" keep my mouth shut <LOL>

[Brooke]

:headbang: Love 'em all, Mike! :applause:

[Molly]

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Isn't this a line from "Hole in the World"? Oh, wait...no. :doh:

Your proverbs made me think of this catalog my son gets full of goofy t-shirts.

Everyone is born right-handed. Only the gifted overcome it.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

National Sarcasm Society...like we need your support.

Rock is dead...and paper killed it.

Some days, it's not even worth chewing thru the restraints.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Patience is a virtue, but flipping someone off feels better.

Life is about balance - just enough caffeine -just enough sugar.

[MikeA]

I'm not militant but I thought this was sort of funny in the play with words.

SIGN IN A BUSINESS WINDOW, IN FLORIDA!


"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS
WITH 1000 ALQAEDA TERRORISTS
THAN WITH
ONE SINGLE AMERICAN SOLDIER!"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Florida
and you are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory sign.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps one of
our greatest liberties.
And after all, it is only a sign, right?

You may ask :
"What kind of business would dare post such a sign?"

Answer: A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humour?)

You gotta love it!!!

May God Bless troops and other individuals fighting terrorism regardless of Nationality! But man I gotta tell you, I'm sure not looking forward to flying NUDE with no carry-on luggage!

[eaglesvet]

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Isn't this a line from "Hole in the World"? Oh, wait...no. :doh:

Your proverbs made me think of this catalog my son gets full of goofy t-shirts.

Everyone is born right-handed. Only the gifted overcome it.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

National Sarcasm Society...like we need your support.

Rock is dead...and paper killed it.

Some days, it's not even worth chewing thru the restraints.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Patience is a virtue, but flipping someone off feels better.

Life is about balance - just enough caffeine -just enough sugar.

These were great! And Mike, those wine names...White Trashfindel is probably my favorite. And I really see the point about being the second mouse at the trap!!:hilarious::hilarious:

[TimothyBFan]

Truisms...

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Love 'em, Willie. I think my two favorites are ...

Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

[MikeA]

I love these Willie. Robert A. Heinlein had complete chapters in one of his books (Time Enough For Love) devoted to these proverbs. Never get tired of reading them <LOL>

[MikeA]

Think About It!

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

[Brooke]

Too funny Mike!

I thought this was cute:



PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.



Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'



He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.



'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'



The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.'



Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me.. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.



SMILE, God Loves You...

[Maleah]

LOL!!! Brooke, I literally laughed out loud for so long over that, that my Dad had to come out of his room to investigate! lol

[TimothyBFan]

Love that Brooke. Cute!

Here's one that someone emailed me today. These always get me how they work.

It's CRAZY how accurate this is! No peeking!

Pick your favorite number between 1-9
Multiply by 3 then
Add 3
Then again multiply by 3. You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number...
Add the digits together









With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

Albert Einstein
Oprah Winfrey
Rocket Richard
William Clinton
William Gates
Mother Theresa
Brad Pitt
P.E. Trudeau
Willett (TimothyBFan)
John F. Kennedy


Stop picking different numbers!!! I am your idol so just deal with it!!!!

[Brooke]

:shock: Too funny Willie!

[sodascouts]

LOL! That's great!

[Koala]

LOL, Brooke and TBF, both are great!:)

A few short jokes

"I have just bought a pig."
"Where will you keep it?"
"In my sitting-room."
But what about the smell?"
"Oh, well, the pig will get used to it.''

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Finding half a worm!

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

[Troubadour]

LOL! All of those are great.

Willie - too funny! :hilarious:

[TimothyBFan]

Amazing stuff! Short video but worth the watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uqg3Pg2M9WU

[Brooke]

Yikes! I hate snakes! :fear:

[Molly]

A new word is being added to the dictionary.

Favred (FAHrv’d), v. To bring one’s team to the brink of victory through brilliant maneuver, but to lose by committing a colossal unforced blunder. Example: The Democrats favred their chances for health care reform when they lost the Massachusetts Senate seat.


:wave:Hi Maleah! :wink:

[MikeA]

In a world without fences and walls, why do we need windows and gates?

[Maleah]

A new word is being added to the dictionary.

Favred (FAHrv’d), v. To bring one’s team to the brink of victory through brilliant maneuver, but to lose by committing a colossal unforced blunder. Example: The Democrats favred their chances for health care reform when they lost the Massachusetts Senate seat.


:wave:Hi Maleah! :wink:


Good thing I have a sense of humor there miss Molly ;) :hilarious:

[Koala]

Amazing stuff! Short video but worth the watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uqg3Pg2M9WU
Love it!
I sent my sister the video as Email,
as she has seen it on her IPhone, she was so frightened that she had thrown away the phone!:laugh:

[sodascouts]

I love The Onion.

Supreme Court Allows Corporations to Run for Political Office (http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/supreme_court_allows)

[sodascouts]

My former student Curtis Painter gets a mention in this sketch (although teasingly)! He is a second-string quarterback for the Superbowl-bound Indianapolis Colts. It's a funny sketch, too.

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-january-27-2010/blues-clueless

[MikeA]

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
And his throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,

And he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?



It's because she smells like a New Truck.

[EagleLady]

:headscratch:

[sodascouts]

LOL Mike!

Here's one appropriate for tonight:
Cajun guy goes to hell, smiles and laughs, Devil says, "why you happy?" Cajun says, "eet's like home, hot in da bayou!"

Devil cranks the heat up, Cajun's still happy, Devil says, "why you happy?" Cajun says, "eet's like summa in da bayou!"

Devil cranks the AC way up, hell freezes over, Cajun's still happy, Devil says, "why you happy?" Cajun says, "cuz da Saints just won da Supa Bowl!"

[TimothyBFan]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to
Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get....
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity


14.. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM
IS.

[MikeA]

:rofl: Willie

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Love all of these! I was just thinking with all that discussion we've been having about the Eagles playing the Super Bowl - this year really would have been appropriate since everyone always knew that hell would have to freeze over befor the Saints would win the Super Bowl. :lol:

[ticky]

LOL I love those.. and I have done #2,3,6,7,9,11 and 13... and DO #5 on a regular basis.. hehehehehe

[MikeA]

How would you pronounce this child's name?

"Le-a"

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.


This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.


It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

[TimothyBFan]

:hilarious: That's so wrong!!

[Brooke]

Oh my! :lol:

[sodascouts]

Another funny Onion article:

Wal-Mart Cuts Over 13,000 of What It Calls Jobs (http://www.theonion.com/content/news/wal_mart_cuts_over_13_000_of_what?utm_source=twitt erfeed&utm_medium=twitter)

[Molly]

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

December 8th:
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses painting. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9th:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again! I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I've got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12th:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-we'll definitely have a whitee Christmas. No snow of Christmas would be awful. Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of Winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he is our neighbor.

December 14th:
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sprakle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15th:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4. Bought snow tires for the wife's care and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in cse the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. I fell on my a$$ on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck! The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God, I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling!!! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they are lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think Bob is lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white sh!t fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt until August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out and shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was to tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think he's lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts??
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches- snow packed so hard by the snow plow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a gun who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street and throws snow where I've just been! Tonight the wife wants me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for that damn snow plow!

December 25
Merry Christmas! 20 inces of the damn slop tonight! Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate snow! Then the plow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her in the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting and charged me $1,400 to replace all the pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to -20. Still snowed in. That woman is driving me crazy!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel or the roof could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he's suing me for a million dollars. the wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed???

[Prettymaid]

Molly, I'd tell you how funny that was but you'd think I was lying.

[TimothyBFan]

Oh Molly---That was hysterical!! :lol:Several of us here could of written that! Every frickin' year. :cuss: Gosh-I hate snow, I really, really do!!! http://bestsmileys.com/winter/8.gif

[sodascouts]

This SNL Video short is hilarious!

Lazy Sunday (http://www.hulu.com/watch/1397/saturday-night-live-snl-digital-short-lazy-sunday)

[sodascouts]

Got this from a friend (I highlighted the ones I especially liked):

THE LATEST TRUISMS

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this—ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Merlot than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey—but I'd bet my all everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

[Troubadour]

LOL! Those were brilliant (and so true). Thanks for the giggles.

[Glennsallnighter]

Wonderful Soda, and more of a ring of truth in most of them. Thanks :rofl:

[TimothyBFan]

I caught myself doing #31 about an hour ago---I think it was about an hour ago. :brickwall: Those were great!

[GlennLover]

So, so true! LOL! And I thought I was the only one that thought or did those things!

[MikeA]

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

I do this quite often. Irritates ME and that person annointed with the task of instructing me or telling me something THEY think I just Have to know. I blame it on too many 130db concerts. Contrary to popular belief, it has nothing to do with age.

[Ive always been a dreamer]

OMG - I love all of these. Here's one that I think about every single time I do a search ...

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

[Brooke]

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?


12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.



15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?


17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.



26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

I especially love these! Thanks soda! :hilarious:

[Prettymaid]

These are great! Some thoughts...



THE LATEST TRUISMS

2. Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
Especially if the argument is with your husband. :hilarious:


4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

Nobody knows this better than us, right?


5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I have searched for the answer to this my entire adult life! What's really sad though - I think I've figured it out! :-(


7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

How many times have I thought that? :rolleyes:


8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

OMG, that is so true!


12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

See, technology can be a bad thing. :hilarious:


14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this—ever.

Sometimes I do cheat and tumble it in the dryer with a dryer sheet to remove cat hair and make it smell nice. :wink:


16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

Or how about cleaning your house so it's looking good and no one comes over? :-(


20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

Sure would prevent all of those illegal u-turns!


22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

Soda, having seen how far you have to walk from your car to your home I can totally understand this being a favorite of yours! :thumbsup:

I actually do this all the time. Hubby and I go grocery shopping once a week and I grab as many of the light bags to bring inside as I can, and he brings in the rest, no matter how many more trips in entails. :wink: Hey, I have to put them away by myself!


25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

Mike, I always blame it on too many loud rock concerts in my youth, too! :hilarious:
Honestly, this just happened to me at work yesterday. A customer said something I didn't hear, I asked, "What?", he repeated it and I still didn't hear him. Hope it wasn't important!


27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

Or at least skip a washing or two, right? (Especially if you 'fluff' them in the dryer with a dryer sheet, right?) :hilarious:


31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Who you calling a burn out? :nahnah:

[TimothyBFan]

Got this in an email this morning!

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/Grandma.jpg

[Brooke]

:rofl: Good one!

[eaglesvet]

That was great!

[Prettymaid]

Lol! I can imagine some old woman actually doing that in a small town!

[sodascouts]

This video made me laugh! (Warning: Some cussing)

Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids (http://onion.com/99yvY1)

ETA: This is a "fake news" story from The Onion intended to be a satirical joke. It's not a serious news piece.

[ticky]

:rofl: good advice too!

[Molly]

Sadly, those e-mom's probably really do exist. I think I've met a few. I kind of want to slap them.

I once made the mistake of picking up my son's digital camera off of his desk (while I was cleaning his room-good mom that I am) and looked at some of his pictures....never again.

My kids are both grown men...and this mom thinks ignorance really is bliss!

[bernie's bender]

I know some 'helicopter moms'....

I know one mom who 'feeds' her 18 year old son still (so that he'll 'perform' on the football field.)

it is the age of thinking we can make things turn out... that mom is like a lot of mom's I know.

[TimothyBFan]

and this mom thinks ignorance really is bliss!

Amen!! I know a lot but don't want to know the rest!

[ticky]

I dont spy on my daughter, I dont need too when she post pictures of herself smoking a hookah or holding up a bottle of Tequila as her profile pic on FB! It's a good thing Im a pretty laid back parent (of course *I* never did any of those things.. nooo.... I was a pillar of righteousness and purity in school.. no really *G*:angel:)

[TimothyBFan]

Glad to know my daughter isn't the only one that does crap like that. Like the day after we had taken her to look at a car we were thinking of buying her, decided to skip school AND post it on Facebook before she left the school. Just as the school was calling me to ask if I had given her permission to leave, I received 2 text messages and several FB messages telling me she had posted it. I'm way to uncool to be her friend on FB but she has let my friends be and silly her for thinking they weren't going to tell me! Good ol' common sense can go far---if you use it!! Geesh!

[sodascouts]

Yeah, that wasn't exactly a genius move on Katie's part. :lol:

I don't post anything on FB that I don't want the whole world knowing - and that includes parents, sisters, extended family, friends of family, co-workers... it's not really a social site for me anymore, honestly. I think that's why a lot of kids are moving to Twitter. You can supposedly customize who sees what on FB but it's a bother and it doesn't always work. FB is eager to share your info, not only with other friends but with third parties. I've deleted practically all of the info off of my profile.

And after I got cyber-stalked a while back, I learned you should never put ANYTHING on the internet that someone can use against you. So despite how messed up that situation was, something good came out of it! I advise EVERYONE to keep that in mind before you post anything online... even when something is "private" if someone wants to see it badly enough, they'll find a way... especially if they have nothing better to do and are willing to spend a lot of time on that kind of crap.

[MikeA]

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR COMPANY HAS CHANGED TO THE GOVERNMENT'S NEW PROPOSED HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8.) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day...."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error..

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED THE GOVERNMENT'S NEW HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.

[sodascouts]

LOL!!!!!

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Okay Mike - so if any of these things happen to me next time I go to visit my doctor - I'm blaming you! :lol:

[ticky]

OMG OMG OMG YOU GUYS!!! THE CONCERT WAS LAST NIGHT!! IT WAS AWESOME!!!! we took pictures!! Look!!

http://tickypages.com/voodoo/voodooconcert1.jpg

DONT THEY LOOK GREAT???... what?.. *sigh* okay.. so you can probably tell it's not REALLY them.. but it was a pretty good tribute band!! They ROCKED (and they were tasty too!)
http://tickypages.com/voodoo/voodooconcert3.jpg
The one who was Glenn was soooo HOT! and BOY could he sing! and the Tim one, WOW he wailed on that bass!
http://tickypages.com/voodoo/voodooconcert4.jpg
The Joe one though was a little excitable and kept leaving smudges on the stage.
http://tickypages.com/voodoo/voodooconcert6.jpg
Don was an ANIMAL!! Those drums didnt stand a chance.
http://tickypages.com/voodoo/voodooconcert7.jpg
We were on our feet through the whole show! Loved every second of it!
After the show, we went to see Tim in the hospital. The blond nurse seemed pretty happy to be there taking care of Tim.
http://tickypages.com/voodoo/nursetim1.jpg
She saw to his every need.
http://tickypages.com/voodoo/nursetim3.jpg
He seemed a little nervous at first, but was soon feeling MUCH better!
http://tickypages.com/voodoo/nursetim6.jpg
http://tickypages.com/voodoo/nursetim7.jpg




okay, by now you're all thinking, "Well, that's it, they've lost it!" not quite. We were pretty bummed about the concert being postponed and the M&G being cancelled (please please please reschedule pretty pretty please?? SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO US?????? sorry.. didnt mean to yell.. ) But we headed down to Voodoo donuts anyway, we were on that side of town running errands, and picked up some voodoo's. NOW okay, you can understand Im sure the desire to get some delicious raspberry filled donuts, but WHY the elaborate set?? okay. so now we have Glenn, Don, Tim and Joe.. whats the point?? *G* the point it now we get to lick all the frosting off of them *G* We missed the concert, but we'll still have fun *G*

[Ive always been a dreamer]

OMG - You girls are freakin' hilarious!!! :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious:

Glad to see that you made the best out of a frustrating situation, but I have to admit I'm little worried too. I hope we don't have to seek medical attention for the two of you before this is all said and done! :wink: :grin:

[Wildthyme]

What can I say? Desperate times call for desperate measures... Just making the best use we can of our unexpected free time. :rofl:

[sodascouts]

LOL!!! That is AWESOME!!!!

[MikeA]

That needs to be a slide show set to music and posted on U-Tube!

[Koala]

OMG ! That is awesome! http://smilies-smilies.de/smilies/lustige_smilies/JC-ROFL.gif

[Prettymaid]

I hope you didn't get too much lint on them, because although they look a little scary, they also look amazingly delicious!

[Wildthyme]

I hope you didn't get too much lint on them, because although they look a little scary, they also look amazingly delicious!

Oh they were VERY tasty. :lol:

[ticky]

I hope you didn't get too much lint on them, because although they look a little scary, they also look amazingly delicious!

We licked allll the chocolate off of our favorites... now come on Ladies... how many of us have said it was out ultimate fantasy?? WE'RE LIVING THE DREAM!!! (okay, the delusion but it's OUR delusion)

[tequila girl]

:rofl::rofl::rofl:Brilliant!!!:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Troubadour]

Hilarious!

[TimothyBFan]

I just came in from outside a bit ago, and checked my FB first. What greeted me had me freakin' rolling on the floor and crying from laughter. My whole family thinks I'm insane!! :rofl: Needless to say, the story is a bit different there than here! Nurse Willie really enjoyed it!! :hilarious: So I had to come here to see if it had been posted.

You girls are insane and we all here are happy you are!!! I think many of us here needed a good, hurt the gut, kind of laugh!!! Thanks for giving it to us!

[whitcap]

http://tickypages.com/voodoo/voodooconcert6.jpg


I don't know about y'all but I can see the resemblance. He just has less hair now.

http://i912.photobucket.com/albums/ac327/whitcap/NDVD_256-1.jpg

[Troubadour]

Yep. Still tasty.

[ticky]

Oh, he was! believe me!! *G*

[Carolina Girl]

That is the funniest thing I've seen in a long time!!! I wish I still lived in Portland--I think I could have learned a lot from you girls.:bow:

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Got this from a friend today. It's not very politically correct, but you gotta love Maxine!

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b296/kay8342/maxine.jpg

[Prettymaid]

I think that's the joke P47! That's hilarious Dreamer!

[Wildthyme]

Anyone seen this website? This is apparently where the People of Walmart post their family pictures... LOL

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/

[ticky]

I just got this in my email. I dont know if this ACTUALLY works, but it sounds good!

WHAT TO DO IF YOU GET A TRAFFIC TICKET :

> > > This advice was sent by a retired State Farm agent! This
> system has been tried and it works in every state.
> If you get a speeding ticket or went through a red light,
> or whatever the case may be, you're going to get pointson
> your license and a surcharge on your auto insurance. This
> is a method to insure that you DO NOT get the points.
>
> When you get your fine, send in a check to pay for it.. If
> the fine is $79.00 make the check out for $82.00, some small
> amount over the fine. The system will then have to send you
> back a check for the difference. However, here is the
> trick: DO NOT CASH THE REFUND CHECK! Throw it away! THAT'S
> RIGHT...THROW IT AWAY...
>
> Points are not assessed to your license until all Financial
> Transactions are complete. If you do not cash the check,
> then the transactions are NOT complete. The system has
> received its money and is satisfied and will no longer
> bother you.
>
> This information comes from an unmentionable computer
> company that sets up the standard databases used by every
> state.
>
> Send this to everyone you know. You never know when they
> may need it.
>

[Prettymaid]

This ones probably Soda's family. :hilarious:

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/wp-content/uploads/cache/2010/01/1.jpg/570_0_resize.jpg

[Wildthyme]

This ones probably Soda's family. :hilarious:

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/wp-content/uploads/cache/2010/01/1.jpg/570_0_resize.jpg

Would that be Soda dressed as Deanna Troi?

[sodascouts]

This ones probably Soda's family. :hilarious:

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/wp-content/uploads/cache/2010/01/1.jpg/570_0_resize.jpg


Hahaha! This photo is awesome!!

Sadly for me, I am the only geek in my family. However, if I married a geek and raised all our children accordingly, perhaps this could be in my future. ;)

[Troubadour]

Just a sweet little moment from my visit to my grandparents' house on Tuesday. My little cousin, Morgan, was there and we were talking about the Icelandic volcano and all the ash that has caused lots of travel problems. He got all excited, like he couldn't get his words out fast enough, and said "Yeah, because when planes fly, they have to fly high, in case there's another interruption." Too cute!

[Prettymaid]

That's adorable! Kid's do say the darndest things!

[Glennsallnighter]

They do indeed! But they are just so adorable when they do.

[Troubadour]

Speaking of kids - I was sorting through some old boxes today, and I found a poem that I wrote when I was in primary school. I guess I was about six.

It's called "My Nose". (Of all the topics I could have chosen...)

Here goes:

As I look into the mirror
and I look at my nose,
It's the funniest thing
the way that it grows,
Stuck right out there
Where all of it shows,
With two little holes
Where the breathing goes!

My sister's first poem was also pretty funny. She finished this well-known verse with a couple of enlightening sentences:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Trees are green
And oranges are orange.

Er... thanks for that, Victoria... :lol:

[ticky]

LOL Lou!!! that's a GREAT poem!! I love it!!

[tequila girl]

If this doesn't put a smile on your face, nothing will!


Guess what cup size?


http://f862.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f79550%5fAGm8ktkAAADQTAJymwbXRHEm9 FM&pid=1.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1


Okay, what did you guess?



The truth revealed........Scroll down


























This
kid's
gonna
hate
his
Mom
for
this
some
day!







http://f862.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f79550%5fAGm8ktkAAADQTAJymwbXRHEm9 FM&pid=1.3&fid=Inbox&inline=1

[Prettymaid]

Not bad for six Lou!

TG, I can't see yours.

[tequila girl]

That's a shame Cathy - 'cos I think it's really funny/cute :hilarious:

I can see it ok


Can anybody see it?

[EagleLady]

Nope. I can't either

[tequila girl]

I recieved it as an email from a friend and I copied and pasted it, so maybe that's why - but I can see it fine :confused:

[tequila girl]

ok - i'm gonna try this a different way!

[tequila girl]

Guess What Cup Size?



http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y172/carolwayne/th_securedownload.jpg (http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y172/carolwayne/securedownload.jpg)



Okay, What did you guess?





The truth revealed...........Scroll Down











This
Kid's
gonna
hate
his
mom
for
this
some
day!!




http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y172/carolwayne/th_boy.jpg (http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y172/carolwayne/boy.jpg)

[Prettymaid]

Got it TG! Cute!

[tequila girl]

It loses something with the pictures being so small - but I couldn't make them any bigger :headscratch:

[sodascouts]

Wow, that kid's Mom has a sick sense of humor! lol

Troub - didn't get a chance to comment on your little poems earlier - hilarious and cute!

[Ive always been a dreamer]

That is cute, TG.

And Lou - I LOVE those poems. I literally laughed out loud when I read them. :thumbsup:

[Wildthyme]

I am a big Stuart McLean fan. He has a show on the CBC called The Vinyl Cafe which is a mixture of music and stories about Dave, the owner of the Vinyl Cafe record store and his family and friends. I discovered him when I was in Vancouver several years ago and I was looking for a new comedy CD for the drive home to Oregon and he quickly became my favorite comedian. He is sometimes referred as a Canadian version of Garrison Keillor and his humor is of a similar low-key, folksy style full of quirky characters. I really want to see him live one of these days. He is doing a couple of shows in Seattle this year but they fall on a weekend when I have something else planned or I would be there in a hot second. Oh well maybe next year... :)

I was surfing youtube for a Vinyl Cafe bit to put on here. I found a couple but none of my favorite ones, however these ones are still funny. At least to me :lol:

First Day of School Part 1

First Day of School Part 2

I Need to Pee

[Prettymaid]

Lol Cami! Very funny folksy humor. The way he spoke kind of reminded me of Jimmy Stewart.

[ticky]

hehehe those are very funny, Cami *G* I've never heard of hi before, I'll have to look for Vinyl Cafe. Sounds like a fun program.

My Dad got this in an email. I thought it was VERY funny!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AAa0gd7ClM

[TimothyBFan]

:hilarious: That was so inappropriate!! :hilarious:

[bernie's bender]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but, amazingly, neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man, I'm a woman --- big deal. Just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever.
Don't mess with them.

[Eve]

That was a bottle of Merlot I assume?

[EagleLady]

We have a good for a laugh thread if this is a funny

[bernie's bender]

That was a bottle of Merlot I assume?

http://www.iamnotastalker.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/img_01041.jpg

a Marilyn Merlot!

EL, some will think it a joke, some not... the jokes in the joke thread are really funny...this is more funny true than funny HA HA

but, what do I know... I just finished the first bottle and Eve and Puebs haven't shown up with the tacos yet...

[Koala]

Today morning was Taylor (you know the little Glenn fan) with me.
If you asks Taylor who is cool and looks good, he answers: Glenn Frey!:thumbsup:
When I had asked him today, his Dad said, this is me! Taylor commented you are not Glenn Frey you are not cool ! :hilarious:

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Gosh, Koala - that Taylor sure is SMART!!! :thumbsup:

[GlennLover]

LOL, I think you have a budding genius there!

[MikeA]

Q: What is the most common remark
made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: 'Gosh, I remember these.



Q: Why
should 60+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they
park your car.



Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to
have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem,
retrieving it is a problem.

The local newspaper sent a reporter out to interview on my birthday. "What is the secret to your longevity?" he asks. "Simple, just keep breathing!"

I knew that I was growing bald when I finally realized it was taking longer to wash my face. :worried:

[Brooke]

:lol: Koala, good job with Taylor!

Mike, too funny!

[ticky]

My Dad sent me this...

Apples and Wine,

Women are like apples on a tree. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to try for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good but easy. The apples at the top think there is something wrong with them when, in reality, they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now men... Men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes and it's up to a woman to stomp the shit out of them till they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.


amen! hehehe

[TimothyBFan]

:applause::applause::applause: :hilarious:

[MikeA]

The Truth hurts Rhonda! :angel:

[Prettymaid]

Koala, Taylor is too cute!

Mike, my favorite was the last one. :hilarious:

Ticky, your dad has some sage advice there!

[Prettymaid]

http://i510.photobucket.com/albums/s348/chilca0001/Me%20doing%20stuff/DAVIDCOPPERFIELDTRICK.jpg
http://i510.photobucket.com/albums/s348/chilca0001/Me%20doing%20stuff/copperfield2.jpg
http://i510.photobucket.com/albums/s348/chilca0001/Me%20doing%20stuff/copperfield3.jpg
http://i510.photobucket.com/albums/s348/chilca0001/Me%20doing%20stuff/copperfield4.jpg
http://i510.photobucket.com/albums/s348/chilca0001/Me%20doing%20stuff/copperfield5.jpg

[MikeA]

I've seen that one before Cathy and know how it works. Have you figured out how it is done?

[Prettymaid]

I've seen that one before Cathy and know how it works. Have you figured out how it is done?

Hubby had to explain it to me. If anyone wants to know send me a pm.

[TimothyBFan]

It took me a minute (or 10 or 15) to figure it out but I finally did. Clever tho!

[MikeA]

Tom's scrotum



The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[Troubadour]

LOL!

[Ive always been a dreamer]

OMG - That is too funny!

[Koala]

LOL!:lol:

[TimothyBFan]

:lol:

[tequila girl]

Have You Ever Danced?

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off . . . started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.



The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."


There are a few lessons for us all here:


Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whisky makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

[MikeA]

Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

You can take that to the bank <LOL>

[TimothyBFan]

Good one!! And I think a possible new chapter to The Long Story here also!:laugh:

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Yep - that is a good one!

[tequila girl]

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[sodascouts]

Hahaha!

[Brooke]

:hilarious: Good one!

[MikeA]

I have new respect for Women!

Real Miss America .
This 19 year old ex-cheerleader (now an Air Force Security Forces Sniper) was watching a road that led to a NATO military base when she observed a man digging by the road. She engaged the target (i.e., she shot him). It turned out he was a bomb maker for the Taliban, and he was burying an IED that was to be detonated when a US patrol walked by 30 minutes later. It would have certainly killed and wounded several soldiers.



The interesting fact of this story is the shot was measured at 725 yards. She shot him as he was bent over burying the bomb. The shot went through his butt and into the bomb which detonated; he was blown to pieces. The Air Force made a motivational poster of her:



(Folks, that's a shot 25 yards longer than seven football fields!)
And the last thing that came out of his mouth... was his ass!
If You Can Not Stand Behind Our Troops,
please Feel Free To Stand In Front Of Them!

[MikeA]

I don't go out looking for these. I have a distant relative that belongs to one of those sites that sends people she has indicated on the site, several jokes each day. It is normally boring and sometimes irritating because a lot of it is hate humor aimed at our President. But every once in a while, some come across that actually make me chuckle. This is one of those!

And now one that is a little more Politically Correct

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way,UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

[TimothyBFan]

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image001-1.jpg

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from the University of Toronto .





On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.





The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.






He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.






As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,





After which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.





The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.





Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.





Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.





Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Toronto Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down.










The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.










Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.






Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.






He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.






The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.










Probably wasn't the same f-ing elephant.

[ticky]

Mike - I love that! Im sending it to my Dad heheh

Willie - ROFL!!!!! hahahahaha that's awesome!

[MikeA]

I'm tellin' ya, don't mess with the old geysers!

Learn from your elders....................

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting
next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he
could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun
game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he
politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of
fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the
answer, you pay me only $5.
Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will
pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer
quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the
distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket,
pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What
goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he
could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to
no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior
pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He
wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill
with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and
goes back to sleep.

[Brooke]

:rofl: Great, Mike!

[Ive always been a dreamer]

OMG - that's a good one, Mike! Too funny. :lol:

[MikeA]

i've been using Google's Chrome for web browsing for quite a while now and have switched to the ultra-beta version. In doing so, I found this really neat extension: An Alarm Clock! I'm so used to using the Notifications in Microsoft's Outlook on my work computer but don't want that monster on my personal computer.

Okay, so I install this Notifier (called Chrome Clock by the way). It will let you set a count-down timer, set a one-time reminder or set one recurring every day.

To test it, I set the count-down for 5 minutes and set Black Dog as the alarm sound and forgot about it. I went on to set an alarm for noon to remind me to order some memory when it went on sale. In the middle of setting the memory reminder, Black Dog started howling and scared the crap out of me! After changing my shorts, I went back to setting the thing up and had it all set.

Then Verna came home and in a rush, put some chicken in the crock-pot and told me that I needed to turn the temp down on it at noon. Holy Crap! I already have an alarm set for noon for the memory. This app only lets you set one freakin' alarm for one specific time and doesn't have any text with it to tell you what the alarm is for!

So I guess I'll not be ordering the memory after all since I'll need the reminder to fix the chicken.

Then Rhonda came to the rescue! She said first that the alarm really could remind me of everything! Good Idea, but what is "everything?" She solved that by suggesting that I write down the things I needed to remember at noon on a post-it and stick it to my forehead. Well, that might work, but what if I had another alarm set for 3pm? Two post-its? My head isn't large enough for all of that.

So I'm going to trash the extension. It was a good idea. Idea? What was it that I was looking for? Maybe Rhonda remembers. I'll ask.

[sodascouts]

hahahaha! good luck with that, Mike! ;)

[TimothyBFan]

Glad Rhonda's on it!:hilarious:

[MikeA]

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.

Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

I wonder!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Brooke]

:hilarious: That's the truth!

[TimothyBFan]

Just when you think you've heard them all.... A friend of mine sent me this one.

2 blondes walk into a building....you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

:hilarious:

[Molly]

Heard at Chelsea Clinton's recent wedding:

Hilary: Chelsea you haven't slept with Marc before the wedding, have you?

Chelsea: Not according to Dad.

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Love the blonde joke Willie, and Molly - that's just wrong! :lol:

[Koala]

lol!


The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you."

[AzEaglesFan]

Love that joke Koala, it's about the only joke that I can remember.

[MikeA]

This is an old one...I may have even posted it before <CRS!>

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake..
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!

[MikeA]

I've seen similar lists but this one is very clear. Truth bears emphasis!


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched..
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports


1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[TimothyBFan]

These are great!!!


> * **HOW TO START A FIGHT*
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
> *
> One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas
> gift...
> The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
> When she asked me why, I replied,
> "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
> And that's how the fight started.....*
>
> ______________________________
> *
> My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
were in
> bed.
> I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
> 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
> And that's when the fight started...*
>
> ________________________________
> *
> I took my wife to a restaurant.
> The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
> "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
> "Nah, she can order for herself."
> And that's when the fight started.....*
>
> ________________________________
> *
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she
> kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
> nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed,
> "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right
after we
> split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober
since."
> "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that
> long?"
> And then the fight started...
> *
> ________________________________
> *
> When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to
me that
> I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take
> care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something
more
> important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her
point.
> When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily
> snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently
for a
> short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute,
and
> when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you
finish
> cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
> The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
> *
> ________________________________
> *
> My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
> She asked, "What's on TV?"
> I said, "Dust."
> And then the fight started...*
>
> ________________________________
> *
> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
> slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van,
and
> proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50
> mph, so I
> pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that
the
> weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
> undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's
back, now
> with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there
is
> terrible."
> My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband
> is out fishing in that?"
> And that's how the fight started...*
>
> ________________________________
> *
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
> She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
> seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale.
> And then the fight started......*
>
> ________________________________
> *
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social
> Security.
> The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my
> age.
> I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I
told
> the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back
> later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
> revealing my curly silver hair.
> She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she
> processed my Social Security application..
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social
> Security office...
> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
> disability, too.'
> And then the fight started...*
>
> ________________________________
> *
> My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
> "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
> I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
> I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." *
>
>
> * And then the fight started........*

[MikeA]

Man's Rule #1 fits most of those poor men's stories, Willie.

[sodascouts]

Haha! this kind of stuff makes me glad I'm single!

[MikeA]

That's rule #2 Soda. It doesn't apply!

[ticky]

I just got this in my email. I apologize to any and all attorneys out there. hehehe



These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
and are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters
that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place...
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter
has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes..
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Prettymaid]

Lol!

[Troubadour]

Hilarious! It's the silly ones that get me. Like 'voodoo' and 'oral'. So funny.

It kind of reminds me of the Overheard In New York and Overheard On The Underground websites that I love. People send in funny/bizarre comments or conversations that they've overheard in public places. Some of them have me in stitches. One that got me recently was a father overheard in a playground yelling at his little boy: "Sonny, share. Sonny, share! Sonny... SHARE!" Silly, but it completely tickled me. :lol:

[Koala]

LOL!


Teacher: "You missed school yesterday didn't you?" Pupil: "Not very much!"
---------------------------------------
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have...... the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
-----------------------------------------
'Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my soup!'
'Don't worry, sir, the spider in the salad will get it.'
-------------------------------------------

[MikeA]

This was sent to me in an eMail and attached to the eMail, were pictures of the newest airliner in their fleet.

Be sure and go on past the pictures and read the IN-PLANE humor

From the cockpit on KULULA.COM- South Africa 's Budget Airline

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY NTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
------------------------------------------------------------------

http://mvabercrombie.net/Airplane/image1.jpg

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http://mvabercrombie.net/Airplane/image4.jpg

http://mvabercrombie.net/Airplane/image5.jpg

http://mvabercrombie.net/Airplane/image6.jpg

http://mvabercrombie.net/Airplane/image7.jpg

http://mvabercrombie.net/Airplane/image8.jpg

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously.


From the cockpit on KULULA.COM- South Africa 's Budget Airline

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY NTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
------------------------------------------------------------------

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."


----o0o---


"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."


---o0o---


"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business
as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

---o0o---


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"


---o0o---

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."


---o0o---

From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

---o0o---

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."


----o0o---


"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."


---o0o---

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."


---o0o---


And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

---o0o---

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."


---o0o---


Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

---o0o---


Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."


---o0o---

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"


---o0o---


After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."


---o0o---


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."


---o0o---

Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."


---o0o---

A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[TimothyBFan]

:hilarious: If you have to fly, this is the kind of airline I'd like to fly with. I think we need a few airlines like this in this country.

[GlennLover]

Toooo funny! :hilarious:

[MikeA]

I think airlines must compile lists of these type quips to use to diffuse high tension situations. But this South African Airline took it to another level with the paint job on that craft!

[GlennLover]

I think airlines must compile lists of these type quips to use to diffuse high tension situations. But this South African Airline took it to another level with the paint job on that craft!

I thought the paint job was really cool (& clever). :thumbsup:

[Troubadour]

Loved reading those! I flew with Kulula from Johannesburg to Cape Town when I lived in South Africa.

[sodascouts]

LOL! Love the plane and here is my favorite flight attendant line:


"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

Will do! ;)

[MikeA]

I heard the following one on an Alligiant Flight though I can't remember now whether it was landing in Wichita or in Vegas....probably Vegas. We've has some interesting ones. Got stuck out on the tarmac for a half hour or so because they had shut down one wing of the airport to insure security for a visiting President...I think it was Clinton.

After that rough landing, this one just cracked us up (with humor thank God).


Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

[MikeA]

This one is for any of you who play or follow GOLF much.

A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf and was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.

"Sure," said the pro, "What's your handicap?"

Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, I'm a 16," said the businessman, "But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?"

"It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy.

"Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."

The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle. Again, the businessman was surprised, but decided to ask no questions.

They arrived on the 1st hole, a par-4.

"It's wise to avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy.

Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand.

"That's the Black Mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa. You're lucky I was here with you."

After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par-5. "Good to avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy.

Of course, the businessman's ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once again, and a huge lion fell dead at his feet.

"I've saved your life again," said the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a par-3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg.

As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.

"Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously. "I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy. "This is the 17th handicap hole. You don't get a shot here."

And that, my golfing friends, is why you should never lie about your handicap!

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Yeah what is it with these golfers that tell fish stories! :lol:

[TimothyBFan]

I received this in an email from my aunt this morning!
Potatoes
Well,
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

And finally they got married, and had a little sweet
Potato, which they
Called
'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.


When it was time, they told her about the facts
Of life.

They warned her about going
Out and getting
Half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and
Get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and
End up with a bunch of tater tots

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get
Her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!


But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.

When she went off to
Europe , Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam
To watch out
For the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French fries. And
When she went out West, to
Watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped..


Yam said she would stay on the straight and
Narrow and wouldn't associate with
Those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all
The trucks that say,
'Frito Lay.'

Mr. And
Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's
Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for
Her, one-day Yam came home
And announced she was
Going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!


Mr. And
Mrs.
Potato were very upset.


They told Yam she couldn't
Possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......

Are you
Ready for this?



Are
You sure?



*


OK!
Here it is!

*


A
COMMONTATER

[Brooke]

Too cute! :hilarious:

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Aw - poor little Yam - that's enough to make a girl want to go out and get twice baked!!! (Sorry, I couldn't help myself.) :thumbsup:

[MikeA]

Aw - poor little Yam - that's enough to make a girl want to go out and get twice baked!!! (Sorry, I couldn't help myself.) :thumbsup:

Now THAT one was a knee slapper!

[EaglesFanatic]

Pretty funny :thumbsup: BTW Willie, your avatar is awesome! I love it :nod:

[TimothyBFan]

Pretty funny :thumbsup: BTW Willie, your avatar is awesome! I love it :nod:

Thanks... me also!!:smitten:

[sodascouts]

This made me laugh (warning: some vulgarity)

Guy Carrying Guitar Case on Elevator Envied by Everyone on Elevator, Imagines Guy - The Onion (http://www.theonion.com/articles/guy-carrying-guitar-case-on-elevator-envied-by-eve,18053/)

[TimothyBFan]

:hilarious: Very funny! Love the fact they even have a picture that goes along with it! :hilarious:

[EaglesFanatic]

That's really funny, I love the The Onion-they have some funny articles. Alright, I got this email today, and I thought I'd share... The title is Children Are Quick
PS: One kid's name is Glenn haha
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

[MikeA]

Some of those gave me a good chuckle EF. Especially I like the one about Praying before a meal!

[sodascouts]

That was my favorite too!

[MikeA]

Cops in Idaho


---- > > GOOD
>
> A Boise, Idaho policeman had a perfect spot to
> watch for speeders, but
> wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the
> problem--a 12-year-old boy was
> standing up the road with a hand painted sign,
> which read 'RADAR TRAP
> AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an
> accomplice who was down the
> road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full
> of money.
>
> (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
>
> BETTER
>
> A motorist was mailed a picture of his car
> speeding through an automated
> radar post in Moscow, Idaho. A $40 speeding
> ticket was included. Being
> cute, he sent the police department a picture of
> $40. The police responded
> with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
>
> BEST
>
> A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A
> Idaho State Trooper walked
> to her car window, flipping open his ticket book.
> She said, "I bet you are
> going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's
> Ball." He replied, "Idaho
> State Troopers don't have balls." There was a
> moment of silence. He then
> closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
> left.

[Brooke]

EF and Mike, both of those are great! :rofl:

[ticky]

this isnt a funny, but it's great advice for young people from the epitome of success...


Bill Gates speech: 11 rules your kids did not and will not learn in school


Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

[MikeA]

I'm tempted to print that off, frame it and hang it in my office JUST to remind myself that there are others who think the same!

[EaglesFanatic]

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were.


Ouch! That hurt :hilarious: Other than that, thanks for the words of wisdom :thumbsup:

[MikeA]

Ouch! That hurt :hilarious: Other than that, thanks for the words of wisdom :thumbsup:

WE just LOOK OLD and have to master that Dull Conservative Attitude and give Dull advise to maintain the expectations of the Youth. Inside, we are all 21 at heart and don't do the stupid things we did when we were kids (and that we KNOW YOU DO NOW!) simply because our ancient decrepid bodies will not permit it.

But rest assured, most of the things we constantly tell you NOT to do, we've done....and if we enjoyed it we probably did it time and time again! <LOL>.

[eaglesvet]

Ticky, I must have seen that list from Mr. Gates before and promptly forgotten it ... because I'm old, no doubt. I really love #11...very true in many cases, so watch out, you young whipper-snappers in college!

[Troubadour]

This cracked me up. I live in Hampshire. I'll keep an eye out...

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/21/20100921/tuk-police-defend-lettuce-head-e-fit-6323e80.html

[TimothyBFan]

I don't think this is actually suppose to be a laugh, but it is from Larry The Cable Guy. It's brilliant actually.

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image001-2.jpg

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately: Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida . . . .
Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation.

* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
* Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
* Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

Think about this:

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, it creates a hostile work environment.

[MikeA]

It's a pretty sad state of affairs when statements probably intended as "humor" turn out to actually make you stop and think about them. I can't even single one particular one out! *G*

[MikeA]

This is humor!

Late Last Week, I was researching cell phones and plans since both Verna and I are up for free upgrades on our phones. I was sending IM's to her left and right about what I'd found...the advantages of this phone over that one and the minimum upgrades to our plan to accommodate the new phones. I thought it a bit strange that Verna wasn't replying to any of my IM's. She was at work, and we'd had a minor disagreement over something unimportant before she left for work. I review everything we'd said before she left and couldn't come up with anything exchanged that would invoke enough discontent to refuse to reply to anything I was saying!

When she got home, she was pissed! Here I was yattering on about cell phones and she was telling me all about research she'd done concerning contract work on the swimming pool and advantages and disadvantages to refinancing our mortgage! And I wasn't replying to her IM's!

Okay, so YIM must have had a glitch. We spent the evening comparing notes about our respective researches.

Well, this morning, almost a week later, I had to reboot my computer. When it recycled, guess what shows up? Pages of IM's from Verna from LAST WEEK! They came up as off-line messages!

There is probably a morale in there somewhere...but for the life of me I can't discern it!

[Peekaboo]

Oh man!! From the very beginning of this video you can just tell that there is a disaster waiting to happen but it had me a cracking up when it finally happened. Holy smokes, indeed. :hilarious:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1YXu_cwPwA

[MikeA]

Holy Smokes *G* Belly laugh! But that HAD to HURT!

[MikeA]

Robert A. Heinlein in his underground masterpiece "Stranger In A Strange Land" devoted a chapter to a rather humbling insight that I would like to propose here.

State a "joke" that does not involve hurt or embarrasment or otherwise does NO HARM in any way. Not a chuckle type joke, but a FUNNY JOKE.

Heinlein was trying to define "laughter" and "sense of humor".

See if you can think of a joke that does NOT involve some kind of "hurt" whether physical or emotional.

This doesn't speak well to our characteristics as a compassionate race.

[TimothyBFan]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
http://sz0072.ev.mail.comcast.net/service/home/%7E/?auth=co&id=170992&part=3He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

http://sz0072.ev.mail.comcast.net/service/home/%7E/?auth=co&id=170992&part=4
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

http://sz0072.ev.mail.comcast.net/service/home/%7E/?auth=co&id=170992&part=5At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle MeElmo's. She has aroll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
http://sz0072.ev.mail.comcast.net/service/home/%7E/?auth=co&id=170992&part=6

[MikeA]

Hilarious Willie!

[Ive always been a dreamer]

OMG - that is funny, Willie.

Mike - Im gonna have to think about what you asked about jokes that do NOT involve some kind of "hurt". Willie's might quality except if Lena gets upset at poor little Elmo, she could cause some damage. :lol:

[MikeA]

There is "hurt" there though it might be the Boss's for not clarifying but more likely the employee for misunderstanding....or it might have been the clog up in "production" caused by the employee...that definitely would have "hurt" the company trying to manufacture the dolls. Either way "embarrassment" otherwise, it wouldn't have been "funny".....and it was funny!

Most "jokes" involve us laughing at someone else's discomfort.

[TimothyBFan]

Most "jokes" involve us laughing at someone else's discomfort.

Elmo's!!!! ouch!

[MikeA]

Elmo's!!!! ouch!

AMEN!

[TimothyBFan]

Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman:Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman:Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman:I froze to death.
2nd woman:How horrible!
1st woman:It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,
I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman:I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband wascheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found himby himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman:So, what happened?

2nd woman:I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that
I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became soexhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman:Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[MikeA]

Okay, I'm morbid....but that was FUNNY!

[Brooke]

Oh my! :hilarious:

[Troubadour]

LOL!!

[Koala]

LOL!:hilarious:

[GlennLover]

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side....

Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE )

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1.. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, itwill be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
Or Hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
To give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -


To give them a bigger laugh.

[MikeA]

Grandmas really don't know EVERYTHING!

Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse.’ ‘Oh,’ Little Tony said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

[TimothyBFan]

:rofl:

[Troubadour]

LOL Mike!

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Love both of those, GL and Mike.

And I hate to say this, but that was an interesting point about the toliet seat in GL's Man Rules. It is true that I never heard a man bitch about having to lift up the toliet seat - but, of course, it may be because women don't pee all over it like men do! :hilarious:

[Maleah]

LOL, Mike that's horrible!


Dreamer, very true. It can't be as bad to have to lift up the toilet seat :thumbsup:

[MikeA]

It's that time of year again. This really is a sign that is posted at the Fort Steele Campground near Cranbrook in Canada. :fainting:
Due to the frequency of human-bear encounters
the B. C. Fish and Wildlife Branch is advising hickers
hunters and Fishermen and any person who uses the out of
doors in a recreational or work related function
to take extra precaution while in the field.

We advise the sportsmen to wear noisy little bells
on clothing so as to give advance warning to any bears
that might be close by so that you don't take them by
surprise.

We also advise that anyone using the out of doors
carry PEPPER-SPRAY just in case of an encounter with
a bear.

Outdoorsmen should also be constantly aware of any
bear activity and be able to tell the difference between
Black Bear and Grizzly Bear feces. Black bear feces is
smaller and contains berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly
Bear sh!t has little bells in it and smells like
Pepper.

[eaglesvet]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
http://sz0072.ev.mail.comcast.net/service/home/%7E/?auth=co&id=170992&part=3He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

http://sz0072.ev.mail.comcast.net/service/home/%7E/?auth=co&id=170992&part=4
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

http://sz0072.ev.mail.comcast.net/service/home/%7E/?auth=co&id=170992&part=5At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle MeElmo's. She has aroll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
http://sz0072.ev.mail.comcast.net/service/home/%7E/?auth=co&id=170992&part=6
This reminded me of a TRUE story... When I first started working at the current hospital I am at (25 years ago), the disability insurance company called me in the middle of a busy morning of appointments to clarify some points on my application. I picked up the phone in the busy treatment room. The woman asked me, "Have you ever used a backhoe?" I asked her to repeat the question, and then, still shocked by her question, answered, "Of course not! Why would you ask such a thing?" She said, "Well, smoking is a very important factor in determining disability insurance eligibility and rates." It was then that I burst out laughing, realizing that she had asked me if I had ever used tobacco!!

[TimothyBFan]

This is a picture from one of our local pumpkin patches.


http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/66601_500881620832_649145832_7569580_8005280_n.jpg