Good for a Laugh

[Brooke]

:lol: Love it!

[MikeA]

Pretty bad Willie :hilarious:

[TimothyBFan]

This isn't funny but if you think about it...we are the ones that elected these people so it is laughable!!! This should p*ss every citizen off!!!

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/Capture.jpg

[eaglesvet]

That is sad. Oh brother!

[sodascouts]

Well, they wouldn't be the only ones on the internet while at work, eh? ;)

But still, I see what you're saying.

[Prettymaid]

Well, they wouldn't be the only ones on the internet while at work, eh? ;)

But still, I see what you're saying.

I was thinking the same thing!

(Not me though. I don't have internet access.) :wink:

[MikeA]

A little LONG, but I thought it would be "Good For A Laugh", but somehow, I never laughed!

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then just going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I did wear the phone once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

The GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead…well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

[tequila girl]

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi (do you remember your maths?).



2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian.



3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.



4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it
was a weapon of math disruption.



5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.



6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.



7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.



8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.



10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'



13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.



14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the
Grass.'



15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.



16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.



17. A backward poet writes inverse.



18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.



19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.



20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.



21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger.'



22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says
'Dam!'



23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.



24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The
other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'



25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.



26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope
that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten
did.

[Prettymaid]

Lol! Very punny!

[EaglesFanatic]

LOL so funny!

[MikeA]

I tried to select the one most catchy....they were all equal *G*

I did really like

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

[tequila girl]

I quite liked

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me :hilarious: :hilarious:

[MikeA]

I see these TEST scores for children and wonder whether they are true or not. I do remember sometimes when I absolutely had no clue as to the answers, I'd do something stupid just to be "funny".

Expand
(a+b)^n
Answer:
(a + b ) ^ n
( a + b ) ^ n


Briefly explain what "hard water" is
Answer:
ICE


Find "x" in the following:
3x=15
Answer:
"x" is the second character


What is a Nitrate?
Answer:
Much cheaper than a Day Rate


What is Sir Walter Raleigh famous for:
Answer:
He invented cigarettes and started a bicycle craze


What did Mahatma Grandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
Answer:
Unusual names.


Name one of the early Roman's greatest achievements.
Answer:
Learning to speak Latin.


Name Six Animals that live specifically Arctic.
Answer:
Two Polar Bears and Four Seals.

Where was the Declaration Signed.
Answer:
At the bottom.


What happens during Puberty to a boy?
Answer:
He leaves boyhood and enters adultery.


What is the highest frequency noise that a human can hear?
Answer:
Mariah Carey


What is a Vibration?
Answer
There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in the 60's.


The race of people known as Malays came from which country?
Answer:
Malaria

[tequila girl]

Hehehe Love them all Mike :hilarious: :hilarious:

but especially this one


What did Mahatma Grandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
Answer:
Unusual names.

[Troubadour]

http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs883.snc4/71634_1555017350181_1077610917_1563956_2346891_n.j pg

:mrgreen:

[EaglesFanatic]

:hilarious: I'm really enjoying this thread, very entertaining :thumbsup:

[sodascouts]

I know I often post links to the Onion, but they come up with some funny stuff! This sarcastic story made me laugh in the midst of the lame campaigning and signs you see everywhere:

"Yard Sign With Candidate's Name On It Electrifies Congressional Race" (http://www.theonion.com/articles/yard-sign-with-candidates-name-on-it-electrifies-c,18321/)

[MikeA]

I wonder if the epiphany that inspired that sign will spread as far as Wichita Nancy? Kansas is a pretty conservative State and that is pretty revolutionary and might be difficult for the average Kansas to get their heads around.

And the shroom Lou.....LOL

[tequila girl]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as
I am and have been a nun as long as I have; you get a chance to see
And hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, ‘well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
To be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK...................................


My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'



HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

[WalshFan88]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as
I am and have been a nun as long as I have; you get a chance to see
And hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, ‘well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
To be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK...................................


My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'



HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!




OMG! :hilarious: LOL I wasn't expecting that outcome! That's just bad! :D

[TimothyBFan]

:hilarious: These are great everyone!!

[MikeA]

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it
and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't
shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the
only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where
Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of
Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there
sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then:

he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well, Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at
89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled
'guilty'.

'The dadgum judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

[Brooke]

Oh my! :rofl:

[MikeA]

Sister-in-Law sent this one to me. She never fails to send me anything about old men....but she's older than I am! <LOL>



Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot*

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house-mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you
need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
------------------------------
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
------------------------------
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You
married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb
your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
------------------------------
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.. Put on different shoes and a hat.
Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
------------------------------
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto
your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your
new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear
that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it
says,
'I Got Worms"

------------------------------
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo
off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so
you are not sure.

-----------------------------

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her
of her grandfather.
------------------------------
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember
you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
------------------------------
In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I?
Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

[MikeA]

Ok, Mike, these last two lines got me. I'm crying and my side hurts from laughing.....:rofl:


I am sorry for your pain.:pray:

[Brooke]

Oh boy! You're on a roll today, Mike! :hilarious:

[Koala]

LOL, like them all!:hilarious:

[liza2010]

Q. What do you get when you cross a telephone with a pair of pants?
A. Bell-bottoms!
Q. How is a telephone like a dirty bathtub?
A. They both have rings!
Q. What happened to the little frog who sat on the telephone?
A. He grew up to be a bellhop!
Q. What do you get if you cross a telephone with an iron?
A. A smooth operator!
Q. What do you call a large person who constantly calls up people, pretending to be somebody else?
A. A big phone-y!
Q. Why didn't the skeleton need a telephone?
A. He had no body to talk with!
Q. How does a cheerleader answer the phone?
A. H-E-L-L-O!
Q. What do you get if you cross a phone with a pair of glasses?
A. A television.
Q. What is the cheapest time to call your friends long distance?
A. When they're not home!
Q. How does Ebenezer Scrooge make phone calls?
A. Collect!
Q. What do you get if you cross a phone with a birthday celebration?
A. A party line!
Q. How does a barber make phone calls?
A. He cuts them short.
Q. Why didn't the mummy want a telephone?
A. He always got too wrapped up in his calls!

[WalshFan88]

It's easy for me to remember the simple little jokes. I always mess up the joke when I tell the long, story-like jokes. :hilarious:

[EaglesFanatic]

101 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
Speak only in a "robot" voice.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Sniffle incessantly.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Name your dog "Dog."
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Drum on every available surface.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Set alarms for random times.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
Wear your pants backwards.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Drive half a block.
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact..
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

[MikeA]

I've got to fess up on this one:


Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

But not for the purpose stated! When I got started in data processing, only those who were in the profession knew what computers were being used for. Everyone else pretty much thought they were used just to communicate with satelites and top secret military matters (i.e. Rocket Science!)

Even the people in the Banks where I worked were intimidated by the geniuses working in the Programming groups. We did absolutely NOTHING to discourage that belief and that led to some really hilarious situations. It was really hard to keep a straight face when listening to a fellow programmer BS'ing the executive of a bank and him soaking it it as gospel!

[sodascouts]

A lot of funny signs at Jon Stewart's "Rally to Restore Sanity":

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-100-best-signs-at-the-rally-to-restore-sanity

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/10/30/the-funniest-signs-at-the_n_776490.html#s170117

[tequila girl]

I received a little gift in the post this morning that gave me a laugh and I thought you all might think it funny too.......

it's a magnetic bookmark and the wording on it is:

"Outside of
a dog, a book
is man's best
friend. Inside
of a dog it's
too dark to
read."

Groucho Marx.

:hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious:

[MikeA]

I remember hearing a story told about Johnny Carson when he had Arnold Palmer's on the show for an interview. You have to remember that Arnold Palmer back in the day was one of the Most Recognizable figures in the world.

During the show, it was said that the following transpired. Later it was noted that the whole thing was made up and never happened.

Anyway, Johnny asks, "Is there anything in particular that you do to bring luck for Arnold before a Golf Tournament?"

She thought for a second or two and then said, "Well, sometimes he asks me to kiss his balls."

Carson in that deadpan straightman mode says, "I'll be that makes his putter stand up!"

[tequila girl]

:hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious:

[AmarilloByMorning]

At my expense... with iTunes flipping through a sample collection in the background of my computer, I take note of a particular track. The thought develops: "What a pleasant song. It's almost a TBS tune, high and willowy." I click over to download it. Aaaaand. Wait for it. Yep. It was a Poco track. :roll: Way to keep up, self.

[TimothyBFan]

AM :hilarious: Too funny!!!

These came to me from an email. I'll post them in a couple different post. They supposedly are from Canada where you do NOT have to be politically correct.

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image02626.jpg

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image02929.jpg

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image02828.jpg

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image02727.jpg

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image02323.jpg

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image02222.jpg

[TimothyBFan]

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image02121.jpg

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image02020.jpg

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image02424.jpg

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image01919.jpg

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image01818.jpg

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image01717.jpg

[TimothyBFan]

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image01616.jpg

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image01414.jpg

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image01212.jpg

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image01111.jpg

[TimothyBFan]

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image0099.jpg

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image0088.jpg

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image0077.jpg

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/williehoo/image0066.jpg

[MikeA]

More than one of those had me belly laughing!

[sodascouts]

Funny! I think it's safe to say they're fake - even in Canada companies don't ridicule their own products - but funny nonetheless!

[jdubfan]

Time to make the Thanksgiving Pumpkin Pies

http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4084/5150337028_30518dc840_z.jpg

[WalshFan88]

Time to make the Thanksgiving Pumpkin Pies

http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4084/5150337028_30518dc840_z.jpg

:rofl: I wish I hadn't seen that as my favorite dessert at Thanksgiving is Pumpkin Pie! :hilarious:

[MikeA]

JDUBFAN

:puke:

[Prettymaid]

TBF, those are so funny! When I was a kid I used to think that it would be fun creating and pitching ad campaigns for products, but this would really be fun!

jdub...how many of us have actually thought something like that when we look at a pumpkin pie? :hilarious:

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Love all this funny stuff!!!

[TimothyBFan]

Time to make the Thanksgiving Pumpkin Pies

http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4084/5150337028_30518dc840_z.jpg

Just so wrong!!! :hilarious:

[tequila girl]

ZEN TEACHINGS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just ***** off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

14. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

15. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

16. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

17. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ***** - then things just keep getting worse.

18. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[MikeA]

14. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. :brickwall:

Some good ones TG

[MikeA]

These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.



--------------------------
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice .
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- -------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Love these from tg's post ...

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just ***** off and leave me alone.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


And this one from Mike's ...

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

[MikeA]

Having been associated with Churches since I was a kid....at least until I left home....I have to underscore the FACT that none of these church bulletin quotes surprises me...however, many of them really amuse me!

[Brooke]

:rofl: Mike!

Gonna have to send those to a couple of my church friends! They'll love 'em!

[Prettymaid]

--------------------------


Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- -------------------------


:rofl:

[WalshFan88]

LOL! These are funny! I really like the Pledge one! :hilarious:

[tequila girl]

He didn't like my Casserole,
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked the crap out of him...

Like his mother used to do.
******************************************
I love a good poem, don't you?!?! :hilarious: :hilarious:

[WalshFan88]

He didn't like my Casserole,
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked the crap out of him...

Like his mother used to do.
******************************************
I love a good poem, don't you?!?! :hilarious: :hilarious:

:hilarious::hilarious::hilarious:

Too funny!!!! :D

[WalshFan88]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The clerk calmly replies, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!

:hilarious::hilarious::hilarious:

[MikeA]

Just found an app on facebook..."Find How Many People In The World Have The Same Name As You" or something like that.

I'm the only one! Obviously, one of me is more than enough.

[tequila girl]

A young engineer, who graduated with distinction, was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.


"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"



"Certainly," said the young engineer.



He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.



"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.



"I just need one copy."



Lesson:



Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

[tequila girl]

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the
actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.


Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville! and Hervey Bay? (USA)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it.Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (! UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking. http://www.parrot-link.co.uk/forum/images/smiles/icon_lol.gif

[tequila girl]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" "This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[MikeA]

TG....You gotta love them Aussies!

[Troubadour]

This is an old French & Saunders skit, called The Easy Guitar Book Sketch. I know our guitar guys will get a kick out of this - I'm pretty sure Julie will, too. "Mr. Ker-nopfler..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cIdJFmFkag

[Freypower]

SIGH! The red Strat! Of course the punchline speaks for itself. I hadn't seen that for a while.

As for the Australian stuff, joking aside, questions like those are common.

[EaglesFanatic]

A young engineer, who graduated with distinction, was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.


"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"



"Certainly," said the young engineer.



He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.



"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.



"I just need one copy."



Lesson:



Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

That is so weird! I just got that same joke in the email from my cousin! :hilarious:

[tequila girl]

Larry was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later................... she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

-----------------------------------------------------------------


Schizophrenia ..... together I can beat it.

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Love these last few you posted Carole. They are too funny and so is your new sig. :thumbsup:

[tequila girl]

They are too funny and so is your new sig. :thumbsup:

Awww, Why is my sig funny? :-( :eyebrow: :hilarious:

[sodascouts]

IMHO, the lyric in your sig is the best line of "The Last Resort" - really makes you think.

[tequila girl]

IMHO, the lyric in your sig is the best line of "The Last Resort" - really makes you think.
Thank You Nancy.....the whole song gets to me every time - but especially that bit - I invariably end up in tears, it's just so.....True! :-(

eta. I'm sure dreamer didn't mean it the way it comes across, that's just me being pedantic :blush:

BTW Love your Sig and Av :thumbsup: :hilarious:

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Sorry for the confusion about tg's signature. I was the confused one ... when I looked at her previous post, she had drawn a broken line, so I misread it as being part of her signature. This is what I thought was so funny ...

Schizophrenia ..... together I can beat it.

As far I her real signature, I am in complete complete agreement - that is the very best line of many great lines in that song!

[tequila girl]

I Knew there would be some logical explanation! :hilarious:

[MikeA]

There is no more new frontier - we have got to make it here

True Today, but Tomorrow, The Stars! We just gotta hurry up and get there before we waste Terra!

[tequila girl]

Oh No, That is just too scary Mike!!

[tequila girl]

Hahahaha Love both of those p47.....soooo funny!! :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious:

[Brooke]

Oh my! :rofl:

[MikeA]

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small..

I guess I'd have to witness the treatment purely for purposes of validation since I've never heard of it, though intellectually the concept is intruiging. :hmm:

[MikeA]

Myself...I've had this "visual" for two days now.

[jdubfan]

IMPORTANT MESSAGES FROM TSA WHILE TRAVELING THIS HOLIDAY SEASON:

http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4090/5221942845_dffe318766.jpg

[MikeA]

This one has not ONE dirty word in it, yet even with that said, I hesitate to post it here.


Two Trees and A Woodpecker


Two tall trees, a birch and a beech,

are growing in the woods.


A small tree begins to grow between them,

and the beech says to the birch,

'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then

a woodpecker lands on the sapling.


The birch says,'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.

Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'


The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies,

'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.


It is, however,

the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

[tequila girl]

Very Good Mike!! :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious:

[WalshFan88]

LOL Mike!! :rofl: :hilarious: :D

That's my first good laugh of the day. :hilarious:

[Troubadour]

LOL!

[TimothyBFan]

:rofl: Mike!!!

[Troubadour]

Got home to find all of the doors and windows open, and everything gone. What kind of sick b*stard does that to someone's advent calendar?

[TimothyBFan]

I'm still laughing about this one this morning!! :hilarious: Love it!

[MikeA]

Got home to find all of the doors and windows open, and everything gone. What kind of sick b*stard does that to someone's advent calendar?

Oh GOD! Country Hick here! Had to look up what an ADVENT calendar was! <LOL>

[MikeA]

:rofl: Mike!!!

I'm really ashamed :blush:

[TimothyBFan]

Oh GOD! Country Hick here! Had to look up what an ADVENT calendar was! <LOL>

:hilarious: That's even funnier than what Troub posted!! Seriously? I think you need to go buy 3 of them, one for each of the grand babies and one for you-because obviously you missed out on something in your childhood!! :hilarious:

[WalshFan88]

I'm really ashamed :blush:

Sure you are! :lie: :D

[tequila girl]

Got home to find all of the doors and windows open, and everything gone. What kind of sick b*stard does that to someone's advent calendar?

Hehe Love it Lou!! :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious:

[tequila girl]

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:



1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.


2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.


3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.


4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.


5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.


6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.


7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.



==========================================



THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:


SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[AzEaglesFan]

I received an e mail once with 100 ways to use WD40. We keep at least 2 cans in the house at all times. We have about 4 rolls (in different colors) of duck tape in the house too. We are prepared for ANYTHING. LOL

[WalshFan88]

Ok - this one is just too good to pass up!!!

This pic is from FP's Sydney photos - which are great and I just got done looking at them, but I couldn't help notice what was on the screen behind Glenn! :rofl:

http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5168/5241930425_bec5d2fd00_z.jpg

Ignore my dirty humor, and carry on! :hilarious:

[TimothyBFan]

OMG!! :hilarious: Good catch Austin! I don't ever remember seeing it before when I've been to concerts!

[WalshFan88]

OMG!! :hilarious: Good catch Austin! I don't ever remember seeing it before when I've been to concerts!

I've never seen it before either, not even in YouTube videos. I wonder if it's a recent addition! LOL! Of course only I would pick up on something like that! :hilarious:

[tequila girl]

Of course only I would pick up on something like that! :hilarious:
Nope, I spotted it too Austin! :blush: :hilarious:

[WalshFan88]

Nope, I spotted it too Austin! :blush: :hilarious:

:hilarious:

Great minds think alike! :twisted: At least you didn't go posting it like I did LOL!

[tequila girl]

The government has advised that due to the extreme weather conditions you should carry..... A Shovel, Torch, Hazard Warning Light, Food, Water, Extra Clothing and a Blanket (Thermal).

I looked a right idiot on the bus this morning :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious:

[Troubadour]

LOL!

[Glennsallnighter]

LOL indeed TG! Sounds like something that might have been said during the war!

[tequila girl]

LOL indeed TG! Sounds like something that might have been said during the war!
Yeah........just shows how far we've come :unimpressed:

[TimothyBFan]

:rofl: Cute!!

[TimothyBFan]

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.


The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"


Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."


The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."


Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.


The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."


Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."


The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."


Bob took the money.

[MikeA]

Well gee-whiz...you'd think the idiot would have learned from the first jump!

[tequila girl]

:hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious:

[TimothyBFan]

:nod: I'm a natural blonde!! :lie: :smile:

[MikeA]

Oh My! :angel:

[TimothyBFan]

Aw--poor little Angel!! :lol:

[tequila girl]

Some of these are hilarious - hope you can get it in the US

http://www.wimp.com/animalvoiceovers/

[Troubadour]

For those of you not on Facebook... My three year old cousin Bea has a cold at the moment, and she was wiping her nose on her sleeve. When her mum told her not to, she replied "But I like it cos it makes my sleeve all sparkly." LOL! So gross, but so cute.

[MikeA]

Reminded me of something Amanda told Verna that Miles had said over the weekend. Miles had been sick with Exorcist type symptoms....green pea soup coming out of every orifice and fighting NOT to have his head swivel in 360^ rotations.

Amanda was in a meeting (working from home because Miles and Megan were both sick). She hears Miles Yelling out of the bathroom, "Mom! Come here and look at what I did!"

Amanda was in a panic! He's 4-yrs old and I wouldn't put ANYTHING past him.

Thank God he'd just plugged in a night light in the bathroom!

[tequila girl]

Reminded me of something Amanda told Verna that Miles had said over the weekend. Miles had been sick with Exorcist type symptoms....green pea soup coming out of every orifice and fighting NOT to have his head swivel in 360^ rotations.

Amanda was in a meeting (working from home because Miles and Megan were both sick). She hears Miles Yelling out of the bathroom, "Mom! Come here and look at what I did!"

Amanda was in a panic! He's 4-yrs old and I wouldn't put ANYTHING past him.

Thank God he'd just plugged in a night light in the bathroom!

:hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious:

[WalshFan88]

A Christmas Story


When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.


Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.



When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.


Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.


Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.


Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.


The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.:hilarious:

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Prettymaid]

Poor Miles. At that age people always think the worst!

Mike, I wanted to tell you that I printed your church bulletin bloopers jokes and told them at a family holiday gathering last week and they were a huge hit! Sometimes I was laughing so hard as I was reading them that I had to repeat myself. There wasn't a dry eye in the house!

[MikeA]

Glad you got some mileage out of it Cathy!

[Brooke]

Get this, last Sunday night was our annual Christmas banquet and our minister read them to us! He thought they were pretty funny, as did everyone else! I don't know where he got them!

[Prettymaid]

Hmmm Brooke, :hmm: Does your minister ever talk about the Eagles? Maybe he's a closet Borderer! :hilarious:

[Koala]

How do you make a slow reindeer fast ?
Don't feed it !

Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
No you can have turkey like everyone else !


A few days before Christmas, two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparent's house. When it was time to go to bed, and anxious to do the right thing, they both knelt down to say their prayers.

Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice.

"Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike and a telescope."

His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

"I know" he replied, "But Grandma is!"

[MikeA]

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back,relax and...... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'


One Irish passenger yelled...

'For f**k's sake ....... you should see the back of mine!!!'

[ticky]

hehehe Mike..l too funny..


Okay, on a more somber note, maybe you should send the kids away from the computer before you see the next picture. It's tragic and we dont want anyone traumatized. Im so sorry to be the barer of bad news but...



http://tickypages.com/picturebin/image1.jpg


Santa may be a little late this year...

[Brooke]

:rofl: Ticky!

[Freypower]

How can I put this diplomatically.... poor Rudolph deserved a better fate than that (will that do)?!:fear: :tonguewag:

[MikeA]

Ya gotta ask yourself, "What did that reindeer to to Sarah Pallin?" Notice how red his nose is!

[tequila girl]

MIKE!!!!! You got your mind in the gutter again! :hilarious: :hilarious:

[MikeA]

All's I'm saying is that SHE does not look particularly MAD at that deer!

[tequila girl]

All's I'm saying is that SHE does not look particularly MAD at that deer!
Oh, ok (sorry).....maybe it's my mind that's in the gutter! :hilarious:

[Troubadour]

Funny stuff!

[Troubadour]

Gotta love kids' artwork. So pure and innocent...

http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs1368.snc4/164090_10150152927058625_756048624_8156768_5601874 _n.jpg

[tequila girl]

Brilliant!! :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious:

[MikeA]

As 2010 nears the end, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Teresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone becausesomeone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy cookies from Woollies since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a penny dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, by the way.....
P.S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. Out of the toilet.

NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A VERY GOOD DAY…………..AND A HEALTHY LIFE.

[MikeA]

My wife asked me , "What are you doing today?"

I said,"Nothing".

She says, "You did that Yesterday!"

I replied, "I wasn't finished!"

######################################

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,

chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly

Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she

ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."


Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,


"Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."

[Ive always been a dreamer]

Those are funny Mike. Love the one about the emails as well. Some of those really hit home! :thumbsup:

[MikeA]

You gotta be careful with them SHROOMS




A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Christian Church wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, No mushrooms, they are too high.

He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms?

There are plenty in the creek bed.'

She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.'

He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.'


So, Janet decided to give it a try She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ole' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful.

Ole' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ole' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played Phase
10 and Mexican train dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear, 'Mrs Williams, Ole' Spot just died'

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible.

We' ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.'

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMT's and the doctor had suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think everything will be fine now.' Then he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, 'You know, that fellow that ran over Ole' Spot never even stopped.

[tequila girl]

:hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious: Brilliant Mike....I might have to borrow that one! :hilarious:

[MikeA]

LOL (see below)

Having just come back from the Doctor's where I had bloodwork done, I thought this might be appropriate

Understanding Senior Texting abbreviations:

ATD: At The Doctor
IJF: I Just Farted
IJSMP: I Just Shit My Pants
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FWIA: Forgot Who I Am
FWYA: Forgot Who You Are
GGPBL: Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
GGLWO: Gotta Go, Lawrence Welk's On
ROFL & CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry Gotta Go Poop
TGFD: Thank God For Depends
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT?: Who Am I Talking To?
WTP?: Where's The Prunes?
WTF?: When's The Funeral?

[tequila girl]

Mike you just crack me up!! :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious:

[MikeA]

I'm over half-way there and proud as hell I made it that far!

[tequila girl]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[MikeA]

As we start the New Year, let's get down on our knees to thank God we're still on our feet. ~Irish blessin

[MikeA]

Not many YouTube videos posted in this thread. This one's pretty good though. Eagles are NOT exempted with a spoof of Hotel California!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnPINGavPP0&feature=player_embedded

[tequila girl]

Hehehe Very Good Mike!....Thanks for that :thumbsup:

[Annabel]

:yay: That was good fun. Thanks for sharing Mike. :)

[TimothyBFan]

That was hilariousMike!! I will be sharing that one.

Received this this morning via email and thought I'd share.

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they
spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay
where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now.
They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape.
Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

[sodascouts]

Not many YouTube videos posted in this thread. This one's pretty good though. Eagles are NOT exempted with a spoof of Hotel California!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnPINGavPP0&feature=player_embedded

LOL!!!!!!!!!!! Like the Eagles bit, too: "I'm a greeter at Walmart, California!"

[Koala]

Not many YouTube videos posted in this thread. This one's pretty good though. Eagles are NOT exempted with a spoof of Hotel California!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnPINGavPP0&feature=player_embedded
GREAT! :hilarious:

TBF, great one too!

[sodascouts]

This one made me LOL!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Axzxe1a78E

[MikeA]

At least you warned me first Nancy! I was able to spew coffee on the carpet instead of the keyboard!

[MikeA]

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[Brooke]

Those are all great! :rofl:

[Troubadour]

LOL!

[Annabel]

:laugh: Love it P47 :yay: :yay: :yay: I'd like the same ;-)

[tequila girl]

:hilarious: :hilarious: Have you been reading my diary Pueb???:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[MikeA]

Could God make a Rock so big that He couldn't Roll it?

Just wondering.

[Koala]

2011 Prayer


HOPE YOUR DAY IS GOING WELL.


Dear God:

For 2011, all I ask for is a big fat bank account and a slim body.
Please do not mix up the two like you did last year.
Amen




Love it!:nod:

[tequila girl]

Could God make a Rock so big that He couldn't Roll it?



Just wondering.


:nod: :hilarious:

[Troubadour]

Haha!

[tequila girl]

Hahaha Love it........i'll have to pass that on to my avian friends! :hilarious: :hilarious:

[MikeA]

That's a keeper and a passer-along-er!:nod:

[Koala]

lol

----------------

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

[Annabel]

:laugh: That's a good one for my BIL. :D

[MikeA]

lol

----------------

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

I'd lower my left shoulder and OPEN my stance a bit.

[Prettymaid]

I enjoyed the vet joke!

[Koala]

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

[MikeA]

Oh Lordy Koala! I'd read one of those tear-jerkers that was a lot like that as it was setting up. I was totally unprepared for the punch-line! :heybaby:

[tequila girl]

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

This one is priceless...A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!

[Prettymaid]

Ha ha ha!

[MikeA]

Note to SELF:

Definitely do NOT read this thread until AFTER first cup of coffee!

[Brooke]

Oh my gosh! :hilarious:

[EaglesFanatic]

Oh man!! That's horrible! lol, "sure is hot down here" :rofl: can't stop laughing!

[sodascouts]

LOL!!!!! That was a good one!

[TimothyBFan]

I just flippin' spit my Diet Coke on my computer screen!! :hilarious: Too funny TG!!

[Troubadour]

This totally brightened up my afternoon. Too funny. (Sorry, I can't seem to embed this video... you'll have to follow the link.)

http://www.wimp.com/animalvoiceovers/

[Prettymaid]

OMG that was hilarious!

[tequila girl]

He he I saw that a while back Lou......hilarious! :hilarious: :hilarious: I thought i'd posted it here, must've been on another site I go on

[EaglesFanatic]

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/

You guys have to read some of these lol...

[tequila girl]

:hilarious: I've only read 2 pages so far and I had to stop.........i've got a pain in my sides and tears running down my face!! :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious: now i've composed myself i'll get back to it! ;-)

[Annabel]

He he I saw that a while back Lou......hilarious! :hilarious: :hilarious: I thought i'd posted it here, must've been on another site I go on

Maybe you saw it when it was on TV ? My kids love watching 'walk on the wild side' :D

[sodascouts]

The "GUM" one was what really made me crack up!

[Koala]

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."

"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"

"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.

"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.

"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"

---------------------------------

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[MikeA]

A "win-win" P47!

[Annabel]

:laugh::laugh: Love it.

[tequila girl]

What are you like?? :D :hilarious: :hilarious:

[WalshFan88]

A woman and a baby came into the doctor's office. She was told to go into the room and wait for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."

"Naturally," she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came."


:shock: :rofl:

[MikeA]

This one is not funny, but may seem so to some of the younger members here. To me, it was very nostalgic.

How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes. (we never had one of these but I knew of them)
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :
Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2.Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8 Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the
last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning.
(there were only 3 channels... [if you were fortunate])
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H greenstamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You' re older than dirt!

The only one in the quiz that I question is the "Blackjack Gum". I knew it existed and had tried it, but didn't like it! And the "peashooter"....we called the bean shooters.

One they didn't include was clothespin match guns. By cutting a notch in the back side of the clothspins (the kind that have that spring like thing holding them together) you could invert the spring, cock it using the coil as a trigger, insert a wooden match with the head of the match toward the trigger, and then shoot the thing. When the spring hit the match it would ignite it and you had a flaming stick blazing through the air ready to catch anything it landed on on fire! We usually shot it at puddles of gasoline.

[Prettymaid]

A guy and his dog walk into a bar. He says to the bartender, "Sir, I have no money for a drink, but I have a talking dog."

The bartender says, "Buddy, if you can get that dog to talk I'll give you a free beer."

The man looks at his dog and says, "What is the top of a house called?"

"Roof! Roof!", says the dog.

The man asks, "How does sandpaper feel?"

"Rough! Rough!", says the dog.

"Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?", the man asks the dog.

"Ruth! Ruth!", the dog answers.

The bartender says, "Get out and take your dog with you!"

As the man and his dog walk down the street, the dog looks up at the guy and says, "I knew I should have said 'DiMaggio'."

[Koala]

lol


A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.

"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."

[Annabel]

:hilarious:A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet & have dinner with her parents.Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love for the first time.


The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms & sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head. A minute passes & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass & still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns & whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

[WalshFan88]

:hilarious:A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet & have dinner with her parents.Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love for the first time.


The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms & sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head. A minute passes & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass & still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns & whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'



:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Prettymaid]

Good one Annabel! :hilarious:

[MikeA]

I didn't see that one coming Annabel!

[MikeA]

None of that Sissy Crap. Please tender whatever I might say over in the "What's Happening In Your Life" thread with these thoughts that actually do more or less document my attitude towards all of you here on the Border!

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cute little smiley faces on this ~ Just the stone cold truth of our great friendships.

1. When you are sad ~ I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorryba$tard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue ~ I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile ~ I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared ~ I will rag on you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.

5. When you are worried ~ I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused ~ I will try to use only little words.

7. When you are sick ~ Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall ~ I will laugh at your clumsy butt, but I'll help you up.

9. This is my oath .... I pledge it to the end.

'Why?' you may ask ~ because you are my friend.

[MikeA]

"When you are confused ~ I will try to use only little words."

Only a few in here understand that is the only way to communicate with me and receive a coherent answer....on my good days.....:hilarious:jk

Huh?

You used one word that was 9 letters long and another that was 10! And what does coherent mean? I'm taking a nap.

[MikeA]

I'm only sending this to my 'old' friends.


Wondered there for a while why I didn't get a copy.

[EaglesFanatic]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvWh6PMi9Ek&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57EDxvldLD4

[MikeA]

Subject: Women

Three friends married women from different parts of the country.
The first man married a woman from Wisconsin . He told her that she
was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but
on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed
and put away.

The second man married a woman from Minnesota . He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was
better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were
done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Oklahoma. He ordered her to keep
the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot
meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and
his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load
the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

[GlennLover]

That's a good one! :hilarious:

[Annabel]

:rofl::rofl::rofl::applause: Love it.

[Koala]

:hilarious:LOL

[MikeA]

Thank God we don't have "video conferencing" with the company I work for!

https://www.eaglesonlinecentral.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=14&pictureid=901

[MikeA]

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a young panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to some 'old' friends right away, there will be fewer people laughing in the world.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more 'youthfully challenged'.

You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?

[Annabel]

:laugh::laugh: very good.

[Mrs Frey]

Subject: Women

Three friends married women from different parts of the country.
The first man married a woman from Wisconsin . He told her that she
was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but
on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed
and put away.

The second man married a woman from Minnesota . He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was
better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were
done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Oklahoma. He ordered her to keep
the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot
meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and
his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load
the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

:rofl::applause: Now THAT will teach the chauvinist! :nod:

[Mrs Frey]

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a young panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to some 'old' friends right away, there will be fewer people laughing in the world.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more 'youthfully challenged'.

You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?

Brilliant, Mike! :applause::hilarious:

[tequila girl]

New Wine for Seniors

I kid you not....


California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as





PINO MORE


I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

[tequila girl]

It can't get here quick enough for me! :soda::cheers: :drunk: :hilarious:

[MikeA]

My future got here yesterday. I'll take two cases!

[MikeA]

I don't think they are gonna want the dividends!

[tequila girl]

The Cuckoo Clock


Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married......

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of
humour.


"The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him

'MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem p*ssed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said 'oh sh*t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[Prettymaid]

Dang, I'm going out for a girl's night out tonight. Hope this isn't a bad omen! Oh well, we don't have a cuckoo clock! :thumbsup:

[Annabel]

:hilarious: I love that joke. :thumbsup:

[GlennLover]

That story sounds too familiar. Good thing we don't have a cuckoo clock. LOL

[AzEaglesFan]

Judy, those are so funny. Some of them I can really relate to. Number 15 gets used a lot at our house. We had a dog that when he passed gas could peel paint. He has been gone for years but he still gets the blame.:yuck:

[tequila girl]

How come I knew what #15 was going to be about before I even got there! :fear: :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious:

[tequila girl]

This
I like #15:angel:...... somehow gave me a clue! :laugh:

[MikeA]

ANOTHER CHAPTER OF "THEY WALK AMONG US, THEY VOTE AND REPRODUCE!!


HELLO, OPERATOR

Actual call center conversations!

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through;
Can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
Telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
Number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
Traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
------------------ ----------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
You see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: ‘Wow! How can you see my screen from there?’;
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
The power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall..
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer..'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No..'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'

[MikeA]

Between my In-Laws, My Mother in Arkansas and my Aunts in Arkansas.....I get a LOT of those calls.

I had a note from one of my Aunts informing the World that my Mother had had a problem. She said that something happened while she was working on the Web and someone told her that she needed to unplug her computer and plug it back in.

Well, first of all, that is NOT what you need to do. You need to power it down first before "unplugging it" and seldom is unplugging going to fix it anyway if powering it down doesn't. But WHATEVER....she literally UNPLUGGED it.

Then she plugged it back in and nothing happened. My Aunt said that she called my sister to come over and "fix it". My Aunt was laughing at my Mother because in my Aunt's words "She didn't realize her hard drive was OFF!"

Okay, Mother didn't know that she needed to press the power on button on the "hard drive". To my Aunt, the Computer Case is the "Hard Drive!"

[MikeA]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.

He then addressed the men.

Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered,

Gold Medal-All-Purpose, Isn't it?

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

[AzEaglesFan]

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close
enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the
Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars
mean to you?'

The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
The Lord said "In a minute"

[AzEaglesFan]

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
escorted her down the aisle. They reached the
altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her
father and placed something in his hand. The
guests in the front pews responded with ripples
of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As
her father gave her away in marriage, the bride
gave him back his credit card.

[sodascouts]

Poor aliens!

http://www.theonion.com/articles/aliens-demand-more-positive-portrayal-in-the-media,719/

[Glennsallnighter]

Awwww Soda! Poor Aliens indeed!

Mike and Az! Love those jokes...... And on the subject of happy couples....

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The
shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.




PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex , have money and like beer ..


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[TimothyBFan]

:stunned: Well, I never..... :fight: :hilarious:

[MikeA]

That's a crock of Bull! I learned it on the golf course!

Cow Pasture Billiards!

[jdubfan]

LAST TRIP
TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for

my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a
woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little
to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting
the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up

in
the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it
works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass
and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
Laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
World to think of crazy things to say.

[MikeA]

Great one JDUB!

[Troubadour]

LOL!

[Annabel]

:hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious: :thumbsup:

[Annabel]

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little
old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had
cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about
and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said
she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside..
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was
in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls

He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,'
she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage
was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you,
I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls..'

[tequila girl]

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

[MikeA]

Funny...but look who had the last laugh <LOL> The morale seems to be, "Guys, you're gonna yank their chains no matter what you do or don't do, so might as well hope for a hoarder like the little ole lady in this joke!"

BTW, I'm going to the closet and look through shoe boxes. There should be several million there by now!

[Annabel]

:rofl: at Mike. Good luck.

[Annabel]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.


The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'


The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ...


She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'


To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.


'There's no charge,' she says.


'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.


'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . .. ...


So I just switched the heads.'



(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

[tequila girl]

So I just switched the heads.

Brilliant!!!:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

[tequila girl]

What's hidden under your little X's ???

[Annabel]

:rofl: love it.

[tequila girl]

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y172/carolwayne/animations/acc04.gifhttp://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y172/carolwayne/animations/acc04.gif

[WalshFan88]

Verna probably has it buried deeply in the yard where you will never find it. Might be the same size as your house too....just sayin'(jk too)







Found them - Husband: Whenever I get mad at you, you never seem to get upset. How do you manage to control your temper?

Wife: I just go and clean the toilet.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush......









:hilarious::hilarious::hilarious:

[tequila girl]

:thumbsup: :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious:

[jdubfan]

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a
sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the
reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is
frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.


I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I
stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public. :-)

War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but
you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you
don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an
emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... So I said
"Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and
50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good
ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if
you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they
can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.


I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon...
and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Brigade usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as
when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people
have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[MikeA]

There are some GOOD ones in that list JDubfan! :nod:

[Prettymaid]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


:rofl:

[sodascouts]

LOL Deb! My faves:


Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

[tequila girl]

D'ya think this is how Don started out????? :wink: :hilarious:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Sf_pogZ8jE&feature=fvw

[Annabel]

:hilarious: :hilarious: Love it.

[Ive always been a dreamer]

D'ya think this is how Don started out????? :wink: :hilarious:

Yeah - wonder where Don got his air drum training? :lol:

[WalshFan88]

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.


:hilarious::hilarious::hilarious:

[jdubfan]

Bobbitt Family Update

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago . Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena .

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage . The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable Condition, and Louella has been charged with . . . ?





wait for it....





a misdawweiner....