What's Happening In Your Life?

Hey everyone. I'd thought I'd give an update on how I'm doing.

I'm doing pretty good from a depression standpoint. I'm not suicidal, and I'm not completely washed out and lifeless. The DBS was a gamechanger for me and more importantly a livesaver. However, my anxiety is still very much a problem and trying to get it regulated is a problem. It's nothing new, it was this bad before the DBS, it's just that it's had no effect on lowering my anxiety, not sure if it's a little worse or the same. I think a lot of it is based on real life experiences. I have a lot of fears about the world and country now, my family, my own health, and it's IMO based in reality rather than just random fears or imagined wild scenarios.

It's exhausting but it's also time-consuming. I worry about my worries. I think the past 4-5 years have not been good ones for me. It started in 2019 and I've been on a rough ride since then. I think because so many bad things happened in my life in a two year span from 2019-2021 that it really started the cascade of mental health decline. I've always had depression and anxiety and OCD, but that put it to an extreme I didn't know existed. I'm just glad that I'm not down and out anymore and my family doesn't have to worry about losing me. I will keep trying new meds for anxiety. I've done therapy of various types for years with no response. I'm a rigid old bird. Meds are my only hope. Autism Spectrum Disorder, OCPD, and OCD make me pretty stuck in a thinking loop and I've been on this planet for 36 years. Some things you just can't change this late in the game (even though I started therapy when I was in my late teens). Couple that with being severly anxious and stuck in fight-or-flight mode 24/7 and just getting over incapacitating depression and it's just not possible to fix me at this point and re-train my brain. All I can do is manage my symptoms and follow coping strategies and try novel treatments that come out with time. But at least I'm a lot better.

I'm so happy to hear about your progress, Austin. Never stop working on yourself. You're worth it!

Thank you, Dreamer.

Hi everybody.

It's been a long time since I posted. Life has been crazy. I just got a job promotion. I'm now branch manager of the library I've been working at the past 3 years. Hope every is doing well, and that the U.S. members have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Congrats, AG!

Good to hear from you, AG, and a BIG congratulations to you on your promotion!

Hi everyone! It's been such a crazy year.

In January I realized that I had feelings for my neighbor. I told him and we tried to date, but in the end I wasn't clingy enough for him. ...so he basically stomped on my heart.

Work was super slow, so I wasn't able to pay rent in full for like three months straight. So I lost my housing. In May, I rented a room from a guy on this Facebook rental group, which failed in fantastic fashion. Stayed at a few co-workers houses. But eventually I was homeless. In July I did a LOT of soul searching and decided to go back home to California permanently. So I got some help from a church program and was able to leave. However, all my things were still in Salt Lake. So I had to come back and get them. So in September I went and was able to, with a little help from my California friends, bring all my things home.
So now I am just trying to find a job here that is similar to the event security job I had in Utah.

So yeah. So done with this year.
Bring it on, 2025. I'm ready.

I'm sorry to hear of all your trouble with jobs and also your neighbor, Elle. Fingers crossed on the job search and I wish you best of luck. It sounds like moving back was a good choice for you.

Personally, I have *totally* given up on trying to bring someone into my life. After an entire childhood from Pre-K to High School of being an outcast and being bullied I have not much of a stable self-image. I am also not a conventionally masculine guy. I mean I like some things most men do, but not all of them. I kinda beat to the sound of my own drum and don't fit gender roles. A stoic ripped lumberjack with charm I am not. :lol: I also have major trust issues with people and I'd rather just not get involved at this point in my life. Do I get lonely sometimes, absolutely. But I was dealt an unfair hand and I've learned it's easier to accept your fate, flip the bird to "the man" for putting me into this life, and go down my own path with family who love me and don't care that I'm *different* or that I cannot provide what most men can. I realize I will likely outlive the family that cares about me and have no friends, and when that happens I'll probably check out of this life but my family really are the main motivator for me to stick it out and in the words of REO Speedwagon - keep pushin' on! It's a combination of feeling comfortable being alone, with occasional times of where I wish things were different but I face the facts. But as I age I'm getting more comfortable with coming to terms with everything. When I was younger I really struggled with the terms of being forever alone and why I couldn't find someone, feeling unwanted, broken goods, etc. I was my own worst enemy. Once I realized it wasn't meant to be and learned to cope with it, the more I liked being a hermit crab after all. I can't break my own heart. And I have learned to fill some of that void with online communication where it's a keep-you-at-a-distance way to connect.

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I just had lower back spinal surgery on Friday. I had a L5-S1 Laminectomy for foraminal stenosis. In one year I've had a neck fusion, a lower back procedure, and then the nerve stimulators for depression. It's been a lot.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by WalshFan88

I'm sorry to hear of all your trouble with jobs and also your neighbor, Elle. Fingers crossed on the job search and I wish you best of luck. It sounds like moving back was a good choice for you.

Personally, I have *totally* given up on trying to bring someone into my life. After an entire childhood from Pre-K to High School of being an outcast and being bullied I have not much of a stable self-image. I am also not a conventionally masculine guy. I mean I like some things most men do, but not all of them. I kinda beat to the sound of my own drum and don't fit gender roles. A stoic ripped lumberjack with charm I am not. :lol: I also have major trust issues with people and I'd rather just not get involved at this point in my life. Do I get lonely sometimes, absolutely. But I was dealt an unfair hand and I've learned it's easier to accept your fate, flip the bird to "the man" for putting me into this life, and go down my own path with family who love me and don't care that I'm *different* or that I cannot provide what most men can. I realize I will likely outlive the family that cares about me and have no friends, and when that happens I'll probably check out of this life but my family really are the main motivator for me to stick it out and in the words of REO Speedwagon - keep pushin' on! It's a combination of feeling comfortable being alone, with occasional times of where I wish things were different but I face the facts. But as I age I'm getting more comfortable with coming to terms with everything. When I was younger I really struggled with the terms of being forever alone and why I couldn't find someone, feeling unwanted, broken goods, etc. I was my own worst enemy. Once I realized it wasn't meant to be and learned to cope with it, the more I liked being a hermit crab after all. I can't break my own heart. And I have learned to fill some of that void with online communication where it's a keep-you-at-a-distance way to connect.

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I just had lower back spinal surgery on Friday. I had a L5-S1 Laminectomy for foraminal stenosis. In one year I've had a neck fusion, a lower back procedure, and then the nerve stimulators for depression. It's been a lot.

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Thanks, I hope it was a good choice to come home. Although right now, family is driving me up the walls. *sigh* ah the holidays. LOL

I hope your recovery time is short and yeah, just like REO said, keep on rolling.

Hey everyone, just a check in.

I had lumbar spine surgery in December. That means I had a neck and a back operation all in the same year. I hope 2025 is less eventful in that regard, lol. I am glad to be out of pain though so I can't complain. Mentally I'm in a better place. I hope that stays that way this year and in the upcoming couple years. I have a lot of fears, but I have a lot of gratitude that I'm fairly stable right now and those last ditch efforts have worked. Am I perfect, no, but I'm definitely safe and am starting to do things I had once stopped. I'm trying to get back on social media more and do things I had stopped doing as I started to struggle more. Now that I've exhausted all of my options, I just hope that this treatment will continue to work. I'm fearful but I will take every day given to me that I am not suicidal or completely miserable. I am definitely one who has been burned so I don't try to assume anything or go in with the idea something will work forever. It's better to wake up and live the day and do it again the next day. Every day since I've had the VNS placed has been a day I wouldn't have had.