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I hardly ever visit this side of the forum, so I've missed all this. A lot of what Austin wrote was too much for my English skills, but the main points, I believe, I get. You are a brave, stong and considerate (as can be seen in the way you mentioned your fanily) man. Love from Finland.
Thank you, Chaim. That means a lot.
I had my first bilateral/bipolar ECT treatment Monday and I'm doing ok. I did have some serious brain fog yesterday but that is to be expected and things are a little hazy right before my treatment. I also started Auvelity which is a newer novel antidepressant that acts similarly to Ketamine or Spravato. I didn't respond to Ketamine, TMS, and unilateral/unipolar ECT but they wanted me to try it anyway and see if it will help.
I'm just hoping for a last ditch effort because I've been told if this traditional ECT approach doesn't work I am basically out of options and then it comes down to perseverance as long as I can stand it and a hope that one day things will "magically" be better which I know they won't be. And once that clock starts I'm not sure how much I have left in me but I will give it all that I can for my family. I haven't been this low for this long.
In other news, my grandparents (grandma/stepgrandpa) are getting ready to sell their Florida home and have asked me to fly down one last time before they sell it and knowing how fragile things are, I absolutely wanted to do that with them so I will be going to Florida next month after I complete my treatments. It won't be a fix but I'm hoping to put a smile on my face for them and try to have a good time in nice weather.
Thanks for the update, Austin. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with so much. I hope things start looking up soon. We love you!
Thank you, Soda. It means a lot. :heart:
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I wanted to give a bit of an update. I am almost done with my round of traditonal bilateral ECT. I ended up not being able to take Auvelity because of insomnia so they discontinued that med. I have to say I am not that much better than before I'm afraid and I'm told there are no other treatments. So now it's just taking each day as it comes and holding on for as long as I can. I've been in the hospital for this already so that won't do anything other than make me feel like more of a burden to my folks and more alone. I hope a miracle out of the blue happens or some new treatment comes available but until then I'm just trying to hang onto life.
So I have finished my round of bilateral ECT and I'm no better than I was before. But my doctor told me about another center that does an implant in the body to stimulate the vagus nerve to help with depression. It's called VNS or vagal nerve stimulation. Insurance has juat approved me and I will be setting a date soon to have it put in and then another date to turn it on and see if it helps. It's literally my last option and I know I can't sustain what I feel now for much longer so for my family's sake I hope this works. It has been recently approved for being a last line of defense and has some pretty good research backing it. I will keep you all posted.
Best of luck with this, Austin. Ypu know your Border friends are pulling for you to get better.
Thanks Dreamer.
I set a date yesterday and I go July 17th to have the VNS system installed and I go 2 days later to have it turned on in the office and set the strength of it. We will see how it goes. I'm hoping for a miracle.
I’ll be praying for you!Quote:
Originally Posted by WalshFan88
I am dealing with a lot with my elderly mother, and haven't been on much.
Austin, No matter hard things may get, I guarantee your loved ones do not consider you a burden, any more than you would consider them one if your situations were reversed. ":hug:Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things". You're a fighter, or you never would have made it till now. You have reserves you don't know you have. I pray "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your heart and mind". Stay strong, we love you!:grouphug: :heart::heart::heart:
Thank you guys.
It is so hard to keep up a facade of being more ok than you are. Obviously my folks know I'm struggling but I still have to play this role of the happy cheerful guy for extended family and friends....and my parents don't know the full extent either. It's tough. It makes me that much more tired but I don't want to worry them any more than I already am.
I haven't been on here in a while, I have nerve issues in my arm that makes using a computer or phone really hard after being on a computer at work all day.
Austin I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. We're all pulling for you!
Dealing with a lot. I lost dad on July 4th and at this moment. I don’t know how I feel. I really wasn’t close to my dad for many years and part of me wish I had that chance to talk to him again. I always dreaded getting a call from my stepmom saying he had passed. My half brother tried getting me to call him last year. I tried a couple of times and never got a response each time. So I gave up.
Thank you, groupie. Sorry to hear about the nerve in your arm. I know what that's like. I'm glad the neck surgery took care of mine. It really sucks.
Shun, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Oh, Shun! I am so sorry about the loss of your dad! Although your relationship was complicated, it is such a hard thing to lose a parent, and what might have been. Prayers for you and your family.Quote:
Originally Posted by shunlvswx
Hey everybody, just letting you all know I did well with the procedure. I was partially incorrect. I had not only a VNS (vagal nerve) but also a DBS (deep brain) stimulator placed at the same time. I thought it was one or the other. Anywho, what I can say is that it might be too early to call but I think I am starting to feel better. Today I was laughing with family for the first time in a long long time. If it stays consistent and doesn't just dissipate a week later like everything else did and gets even better this will have been worth all the heartache holding strong while I tried so many different things. I'm a bit of a pessimist by nature or at least a skeptic but I think this might be working so I'm holding hope that it will but I have to be prepared for anything.
Oh, I'm so glad for you, Austin!:blueblob: I pray that this is the answer you have been looking for!!! Enjoy this time with your family and know that there are further developments to come!:hug: Hang in there and Rock On!:guitar:
Just an update for everyone -
I've been doing a lot better with the nerve stimulator. I still have blah days but overall I'm happier most days and that dark cloud of suicidal thoughts has been completely lifted which is wonderful.
I'm still going to take it as it comes but I'm hopeful for the future and consider myself lucky to have made it through this because I was truly close to ending it all.
So happy to hear about your progress, Austin. We should never underestimate the power of positive thinking. Hang in there and keep focusing on taking care of yourself. :hug:
Quote:
Originally Posted by WalshFan88
I am so thankful and thrilled with your progress, Austin! Onward and upward, and don't look back! Every day is a new day to start your life over, and nothing is impossible! We can forget in the darkest night, that the sun is always shining, and will shine on us again, thank God! :hug:
Hey everyone. I'd thought I'd give an update on how I'm doing.
I'm doing pretty good from a depression standpoint. I'm not suicidal, and I'm not completely washed out and lifeless. The DBS was a gamechanger for me and more importantly a livesaver. However, my anxiety is still very much a problem and trying to get it regulated is a problem. It's nothing new, it was this bad before the DBS, it's just that it's had no effect on lowering my anxiety, not sure if it's a little worse or the same. I think a lot of it is based on real life experiences. I have a lot of fears about the world and country now, my family, my own health, and it's IMO based in reality rather than just random fears or imagined wild scenarios.
It's exhausting but it's also time-consuming. I worry about my worries. I think the past 4-5 years have not been good ones for me. It started in 2019 and I've been on a rough ride since then. I think because so many bad things happened in my life in a two year span from 2019-2021 that it really started the cascade of mental health decline. I've always had depression and anxiety and OCD, but that put it to an extreme I didn't know existed. I'm just glad that I'm not down and out anymore and my family doesn't have to worry about losing me. I will keep trying new meds for anxiety. I've done therapy of various types for years with no response. I'm a rigid old bird. Meds are my only hope. Autism Spectrum Disorder, OCPD, and OCD make me pretty stuck in a thinking loop and I've been on this planet for 36 years. Some things you just can't change this late in the game (even though I started therapy when I was in my late teens). Couple that with being severly anxious and stuck in fight-or-flight mode 24/7 and just getting over incapacitating depression and it's just not possible to fix me at this point and re-train my brain. All I can do is manage my symptoms and follow coping strategies and try novel treatments that come out with time. But at least I'm a lot better.
I'm so happy to hear about your progress, Austin. Never stop working on yourself. You're worth it!
Thank you, Dreamer.
Hi everybody.
It's been a long time since I posted. Life has been crazy. I just got a job promotion. I'm now branch manager of the library I've been working at the past 3 years. Hope every is doing well, and that the U.S. members have a Happy Thanksgiving.
Congrats, AG!
Good to hear from you, AG, and a BIG congratulations to you on your promotion!
Hi everyone! It's been such a crazy year.
In January I realized that I had feelings for my neighbor. I told him and we tried to date, but in the end I wasn't clingy enough for him. ...so he basically stomped on my heart.
Work was super slow, so I wasn't able to pay rent in full for like three months straight. So I lost my housing. In May, I rented a room from a guy on this Facebook rental group, which failed in fantastic fashion. Stayed at a few co-workers houses. But eventually I was homeless. In July I did a LOT of soul searching and decided to go back home to California permanently. So I got some help from a church program and was able to leave. However, all my things were still in Salt Lake. So I had to come back and get them. So in September I went and was able to, with a little help from my California friends, bring all my things home.
So now I am just trying to find a job here that is similar to the event security job I had in Utah.
So yeah. So done with this year.
Bring it on, 2025. I'm ready.
I'm sorry to hear of all your trouble with jobs and also your neighbor, Elle. Fingers crossed on the job search and I wish you best of luck. It sounds like moving back was a good choice for you.
Personally, I have *totally* given up on trying to bring someone into my life. After an entire childhood from Pre-K to High School of being an outcast and being bullied I have not much of a stable self-image. I am also not a conventionally masculine guy. I mean I like some things most men do, but not all of them. I kinda beat to the sound of my own drum and don't fit gender roles. A stoic ripped lumberjack with charm I am not. :lol: I also have major trust issues with people and I'd rather just not get involved at this point in my life. Do I get lonely sometimes, absolutely. But I was dealt an unfair hand and I've learned it's easier to accept your fate, flip the bird to "the man" for putting me into this life, and go down my own path with family who love me and don't care that I'm *different* or that I cannot provide what most men can. I realize I will likely outlive the family that cares about me and have no friends, and when that happens I'll probably check out of this life but my family really are the main motivator for me to stick it out and in the words of REO Speedwagon - keep pushin' on! It's a combination of feeling comfortable being alone, with occasional times of where I wish things were different but I face the facts. But as I age I'm getting more comfortable with coming to terms with everything. When I was younger I really struggled with the terms of being forever alone and why I couldn't find someone, feeling unwanted, broken goods, etc. I was my own worst enemy. Once I realized it wasn't meant to be and learned to cope with it, the more I liked being a hermit crab after all. I can't break my own heart. And I have learned to fill some of that void with online communication where it's a keep-you-at-a-distance way to connect.
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I just had lower back spinal surgery on Friday. I had a L5-S1 Laminectomy for foraminal stenosis. In one year I've had a neck fusion, a lower back procedure, and then the nerve stimulators for depression. It's been a lot.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WalshFan88
Thanks, I hope it was a good choice to come home. Although right now, family is driving me up the walls. *sigh* ah the holidays. LOL
I hope your recovery time is short and yeah, just like REO said, keep on rolling.